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October

17

Why

can

’

t

I

remember

?

I

’

ve

got

to

try

to

re

sist

this

slackness

.

Alice

tells

me

I

lie

in

bed

for

days

and

don

’

t

seem

to

know

who

or

where

I

am

.

Then

it

all

comes

back

and

I

recognize

her

and

remember

what

’

s

happening

.

Fugues

of

amnesia

.

Symptoms

of

second

childhood

—

what

do

they

call

it

?

—

senility

?

I

can

watch

it

coming

on

.

All

so

cruelly

logical

,

the

result

of

speeding

up

all

the

processes

of

the

mind

.

I

learned

so

much

so

fast

,

and

now

my

mind

is

deteriorating

rapidly

.

What

if

I

won

’

t

let

it

hap

pen

?

What

if

I

fight

it

?

Think

of

those

people

at

Warren

,

the

empty

smiles

,

the

blank

expressions

,

everyone

laughing

at

them

.

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Little

Charlie

Gordon

staring

at

me

through

the

win

dow

—

waiting

.

Please

,

not

that

again

.

October

18

I

’

m

forgetting

things

I

learned

recently

.

It

seems

to

be

following

the

classic

pattern

,

the

last

things

learned

are

first

things

forgotten

.

Or

is

that

the

pattern

?

Better

look

it

up

again

.

Reread

my

paper

on

the

Algernon

-

Gordon

Effect

and

even

though

I

know

I

wrote

it

,

I

keep

feeling

it

was

writ

ten

by

someone

else

.

Most

of

it

I

don

’

t

even

understand

.

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But

why

am

I

so

irritable

?

Especially

when

Alice

is

so

good

to

me

?

She

keeps

the

place

neat

and

clean

,

always

putting

my

things

away

and

washing

dishes

and

scrubbing

floors

.

I

shouldn

’

t

have

shouted

at

her

the

way

I

did

this

morning

because

it

made

her

cry

,

and

I

didn

’

t

want

that

to

happen

.

But

she

shouldn

’

t

have

picked

up

the

broken

records

and

the

music

and

the

book

and

put

them

all

neatly

into

a

box

.

That

made

me

furious

.

I

don

’

t

want

any

one

to

touch

any

of

those

things

.

I

want

to

see

them

pile

up

.

I

want

them

to

remind

me

of

what

I

’

m

leaving

behind

.

I

kicked

the

box

and

scattered

the

stuff

all

over

the

floor

and

told

her

to

leave

them

just

where

they

were

.

Foolish

.

No

reason

for

it

.

I

guess

I

got

sore

because

I

knew

she

thought

it

was

silly

to

keep

those

things

,

and

she

didn

’

t

tell

me

she

thought

it

was

silly

.

She

just

pretended

it

was

perfectly

normal

.

She

’

s

humoring

me

.

And

when

I

saw

that

box

I

remembered

the

boy

at

Warren

and

the

lousy

lamp

he

made

and

the

way

we

were

all

humoring

him

,

pre

tending

he

had

done

something

wonderful

when

he

hadn

’

t

.

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