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391
To
answer
it
more
thoroughly
and
honestly
-
of
course
,
sometimes
I
do
desperately
want
to
have
some
,
but
I
ve
decided
to
sit
this
particular
game
out
for
a
while
.
I
don
t
want
to
get
involved
with
anybody
.
Of
course
I
do
miss
being
kissed
because
I
love
kissing
.
(
I
complain
about
this
so
much
to
Sofie
that
the
other
day
she
finally
said
in
exasperation
,
"
For
God
s
sake
,
Liz
-
if
it
gets
bad
enough
,
I
ll
kiss
you
.
"
)
But
I
m
not
going
to
do
anything
about
it
for
now
.
When
I
get
lonely
these
days
,
I
think
:
So
be
lonely
,
Liz
.
Learn
your
way
around
loneliness
.
Make
a
map
of
it
.
Sit
with
it
,
for
once
in
your
life
.
Welcome
to
the
human
experience
.
But
never
again
use
another
person
s
body
or
emotions
as
a
scratching
post
for
your
own
unfulfilled
yearnings
.
392
It
s
a
kind
of
emergency
life
-
saving
policy
,
more
than
anything
else
.
I
got
started
early
in
life
with
the
pursuit
of
sexual
and
romantic
pleasure
.
I
barely
had
an
adolescence
before
I
had
my
first
boyfriend
,
and
I
have
consistently
had
a
boy
or
a
man
(
or
sometimes
both
)
in
my
life
ever
since
I
was
fifteen
years
old
.
That
was
-
oh
,
let
s
see
-
about
nineteen
years
ago
,
now
.
That
s
almost
two
solid
decades
I
have
been
entwined
in
some
kind
of
drama
with
some
kind
of
guy
.
Each
overlapping
the
next
,
with
never
so
much
as
a
week
s
breather
in
between
.
And
I
can
t
help
but
think
that
s
been
something
of
a
liability
on
my
path
to
maturity
.
393
Moreover
,
I
have
boundary
issues
with
men
.
Or
maybe
that
s
not
fair
to
say
.
To
have
issues
with
boundaries
,
one
must
have
boundaries
in
the
first
place
,
right
?
But
I
disappear
into
the
person
I
love
.
I
am
the
permeable
membrane
.
If
I
love
you
,
you
can
have
everything
.
You
can
have
my
time
,
my
devotion
,
my
ass
,
my
money
,
my
family
,
my
dog
,
my
dog
s
money
,
my
dog
s
time
-
everything
.
If
I
love
you
,
I
will
carry
for
you
all
your
pain
,
I
will
assume
for
you
all
your
debts
(
in
every
definition
of
the
word
)
,
I
will
protect
you
from
your
own
insecurity
,
I
will
project
upon
you
all
sorts
of
good
qualities
that
you
have
never
actually
cultivated
in
yourself
and
I
will
buy
Christmas
presents
for
your
entire
family
.
I
will
give
you
the
sun
and
the
rain
,
and
if
they
are
not
available
,
I
will
give
you
a
sun
check
and
a
rain
check
.
I
will
give
you
all
this
and
more
,
until
I
get
so
exhausted
and
depleted
that
the
only
way
I
can
recover
my
energy
is
by
becoming
infatuated
with
someone
else
.
Отключить рекламу
394
I
do
not
relay
these
facts
about
myself
with
pride
,
but
this
is
how
it
s
always
been
.
395
Some
time
after
I
d
left
my
husband
,
I
was
at
a
party
and
a
guy
I
barely
knew
said
to
me
,
"
You
know
,
you
seem
like
a
completely
different
person
,
now
that
you
re
with
this
new
boyfriend
.
You
used
to
look
like
your
husband
,
but
now
you
look
like
David
.
You
even
dress
like
him
and
talk
like
him
.
You
know
how
some
people
look
like
their
dogs
?
I
think
maybe
you
always
look
like
your
men
.
"
396
Dear
God
,
I
could
use
a
little
break
from
this
cycle
,
to
give
myself
some
space
to
discover
what
I
look
like
and
talk
like
when
I
m
not
trying
to
merge
with
someone
.
397
And
also
,
let
s
be
honest
-
it
might
be
a
generous
public
service
for
me
to
leave
intimacy
alone
for
a
while
.
When
I
scan
back
on
my
romantic
record
,
it
doesn
t
look
so
good
.
It
s
been
one
catastrophe
after
another
.
How
many
more
different
types
of
men
can
I
keep
trying
to
love
,
and
continue
to
fail
?
Think
of
it
this
way
-
if
you
d
had
ten
serious
traffic
accidents
in
a
row
,
wouldn
t
they
eventually
take
your
driver
s
license
away
?
Wouldn
t
you
kind
of
want
them
to
?
Отключить рекламу
398
There
s
a
final
reason
I
m
hesitant
to
get
involved
with
someone
else
.
I
still
happen
to
be
in
love
with
David
,
and
I
don
t
think
that
s
fair
to
the
next
guy
.
I
don
t
even
know
if
David
and
I
are
totally
broken
up
yet
.
We
were
still
hanging
around
each
other
a
lot
before
I
left
for
Italy
,
though
we
hadn
t
slept
together
in
a
long
time
.
But
we
were
still
admitting
that
we
both
harbored
hopes
that
maybe
someday
399
I
don
t
know
.
400
This
much
I
do
know
-
I
m
exhausted
by
the
cumulative
consequences
of
a
lifetime
of
hasty
choices
and
chaotic
passions
.
By
the
time
I
left
for
Italy
,
my
body
and
my
spirit
were
depleted
.
I
felt
like
the
soil
on
some
desperate
sharecropper
s
farm
,
sorely
overworked
and
needing
a
fallow
season
.
So
that
s
why
I
ve
quit
.