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- Джозеф Хеллер
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- Уловка 22
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- Стр. 73/452
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Lieutenant
Scheisskopf
longed
desperately
to
win
parades
and
sat
up
half
the
night
working
on
it
while
his
wife
waited
amorously
for
him
in
bed
thumbing
through
Krafft
-
Ebing
to
her
favorite
passages
.
He
read
books
on
marching
.
He
manipulated
boxes
of
chocolate
soldiers
until
they
melted
in
his
hands
and
then
maneuvered
in
ranks
of
twelve
a
set
of
plastic
cowboys
he
had
bought
from
a
mail
-
order
house
under
an
assumed
name
and
kept
locked
away
from
everyone
’
s
eyes
during
the
day
.
Leonardo
’
s
exercises
in
anatomy
proved
indispensable
.
One
evening
he
felt
the
need
for
a
live
model
and
directed
his
wife
to
march
around
the
room
.
"
Naked
?
"
she
asked
hopefully
.
Lieutenant
Scheisskopf
smacked
his
hands
over
his
eyes
in
exasperation
.
It
was
the
despair
of
Lieutenant
Scheisskopf
’
s
life
to
be
chained
to
a
woman
who
was
incapable
of
looking
beyond
her
own
dirty
,
sexual
desires
to
the
titanic
struggles
for
the
unattainable
in
which
noble
man
could
become
heroically
engaged
.
"
Why
don
’
t
you
ever
whip
me
?
"
she
pouted
one
night
.
"
Because
I
haven
’
t
the
time
,
"
he
snapped
at
her
impatiently
.
"
I
haven
’
t
the
time
.
Don
’
t
you
know
there
’
s
a
parade
going
on
?
"
And
he
really
did
not
have
the
time
.
There
it
was
Sunday
already
,
with
only
seven
days
left
in
the
week
to
get
ready
for
the
next
parade
.
He
had
no
idea
where
the
hours
went
.
Finishing
last
in
three
successive
parades
had
given
Lieutenant
Scheisskopf
an
unsavory
reputation
,
and
he
considered
every
means
of
improvement
,
even
nailing
the
twelve
men
in
each
rank
to
a
long
two
-
by
-
four
beam
of
seasoned
oak
to
keep
them
in
line
.
The
plan
was
not
feasible
,
for
making
a
ninety
-
degree
turn
would
have
been
impossible
without
nickel
-
alloy
swivels
inserted
in
the
small
of
every
man
’
s
back
,
and
Lieutenant
Scheisskopf
was
not
sanguine
at
all
about
obtaining
that
many
nickel
-
alloy
swivels
from
Quartermaster
or
enlisting
the
co
-
operation
of
the
surgeons
at
the
hospital
.
The
week
after
Lieutenant
Scheisskopf
followed
Clevinger
’
s
recommendation
and
let
the
men
elect
their
own
cadet
officers
,
the
squadron
won
the
yellow
pennant
.
Lieutenant
Scheisskopf
was
so
elated
by
this
unexpected
achievement
that
he
gave
his
wife
a
sharp
crack
over
the
head
with
the
pole
when
she
tried
to
drag
him
into
bed
to
celebrate
by
showing
their
contempt
for
the
sexual
mores
of
the
lower
middle
classes
in
Western
civilization
.
The
next
week
the
squadron
won
the
red
flag
,
and
Lieutenant
Scheisskopf
was
beside
himself
with
rapture
.
And
the
week
after
that
his
squadron
made
history
by
winning
the
red
pennant
two
weeks
in
a
row
!
Now
Lieutenant
Scheisskopf
had
confidence
enough
in
his
powers
to
spring
his
big
surprise
.
Lieutenant
Scheisskopf
had
discovered
in
his
extensive
research
that
the
hands
of
marchers
,
instead
of
swinging
freely
,
as
was
then
the
popular
fashion
,
ought
never
to
be
moved
more
than
three
inches
from
the
center
of
the
thigh
,
which
meant
,
in
effect
,
that
they
were
scarcely
to
be
swung
at
all
.
Lieutenant
Scheisskopf
’
s
preparations
were
elaborate
and
clandestine
.
All
the
cadets
in
his
squadron
were
sworn
to
secrecy
and
rehearsed
in
the
dead
of
night
on
the
auxiliary
paradeground
.
They
marched
in
darkness
that
was
pitch
and
bumped
into
each
other
blindly
,
but
they
did
not
panic
,
and
they
were
learning
to
march
without
swinging
their
hands
.
Lieutenant
Scheisskopf
’
s
first
thought
had
been
to
have
a
friend
of
his
in
the
sheet
metal
shop
sink
pegs
of
nickel
alloy
into
each
man
’
s
thighbones
and
link
them
to
the
wrists
by
strands
of
copper
wire
with
exactly
three
inches
of
play
,
but
there
wasn
’
t
time
—
there
was
never
enough
time
—
and
good
copper
wire
was
hard
to
come
by
in
wartime
.
He
remembered
also
that
the
men
,
so
hampered
,
would
be
unable
to
fall
properly
during
the
impressive
fainting
ceremony
preceding
the
marching
and
that
an
inability
to
faint
properly
might
affect
the
unit
’
s
rating
as
a
whole
.
