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- Даниэл Киз
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I
realize
now
that
my
feeling
for
Alice
had
been
mov
ing
backward
against
the
current
of
my
learning
,
from
worship
,
to
love
,
to
fondness
,
to
a
feeling
of
gratitude
and
responsibility
.
My
confused
feeling
for
her
had
been
hold
ing
me
back
,
and
I
had
clung
to
her
out
of
my
fear
of
being
forced
out
on
my
own
,
and
cut
adrift
.
But
with
the
freedom
came
a
sadness
.
I
wanted
to
be
in
love
with
her
.
I
wanted
to
overcome
my
emotional
and
sexual
fears
,
to
marry
,
have
children
,
settle
down
.
Now
it
’
s
impossible
.
I
am
just
as
far
away
from
Alice
with
an
I
.
Q
.
of
185
as
I
was
when
I
had
an
I
.
Q
.
of
70
.
And
this
time
we
both
know
it
.
June
8
What
drives
me
out
of
the
apartment
to
prowl
through
the
city
?
I
wander
through
the
streets
alone
—
not
the
relaxing
stroll
of
a
summer
night
,
but
the
tense
hurry
to
get
—
where
?
Down
alleyways
,
looking
into
doorways
,
peering
into
half
-
shuttered
windows
,
wanting
someone
to
talk
to
and
yet
afraid
to
meet
anyone
.
Up
one
street
,
and
down
another
,
through
the
endless
labyrinth
,
hurling
myself
against
the
neon
cage
of
the
city
.
Searching
.
.
.
for
what
?
I
met
a
woman
in
Central
Park
.
She
was
sitting
on
a
bench
near
the
lake
,
with
a
coat
clutched
around
her
de
spite
the
heat
.
She
smiled
and
motioned
for
me
to
sit
be
side
her
.
We
looked
at
the
bright
skyline
on
Central
Park
South
,
the
honeycomb
of
lighted
cells
against
the
black
ness
,
and
I
wished
I
could
absorb
them
all
.
Yes
,
I
told
her
,
I
was
from
New
York
.
No
,
I
had
never
been
to
Newport
News
,
Virginia
.
That
’
s
where
she
was
from
,
and
where
she
had
married
this
sailor
who
was
at
sea
now
,
and
she
hadn
’
t
seen
him
in
two
and
a
half
years
.
She
twisted
and
knotted
a
handkerchief
,
using
it
from
time
to
time
to
wipe
the
beaded
sweat
from
her
forehead
.
Even
in
the
dim
light
reflected
from
the
lake
,
I
could
see
that
she
wore
a
great
deal
of
make
-
up
,
but
she
looked
at
tractive
with
her
straight
dark
hair
loose
to
her
shoul
ders
—
except
that
her
face
was
puffy
and
swollen
as
if
she
had
just
gotten
up
from
sleep
.
She
wanted
to
talk
about
herself
,
and
I
wanted
to
listen
.
Her
father
had
given
her
a
good
home
,
an
education
,
everything
a
wealthy
shipbuilder
could
give
his
only
daughter
—
but
not
forgiveness
.
He
would
never
forgive
her
elopement
with
the
sailor
.
