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"
I
overcame
despair
at
the
seminary
,
"
he
said
,
"
yet
what
an
awful
prospect
I
had
then
.
I
was
then
either
going
to
make
my
fortune
or
come
to
grief
just
as
I
am
now
.
I
found
myself
obliged
to
pass
all
my
life
in
intimate
association
with
the
most
contemptible
and
disgusting
things
in
the
whole
world
.
The
following
spring
,
just
eleven
short
months
later
,
I
was
perhaps
the
happiest
of
all
young
people
of
my
own
age
.
"
But
very
often
all
this
fine
logic
proved
unavailing
against
the
awful
reality
.
He
saw
Mathilde
every
day
at
breakfast
and
at
dinner
.
He
knew
from
the
numerous
letters
which
de
la
Mole
dictated
to
him
that
she
was
on
the
eve
of
marrying
de
Croisenois
.
This
charming
man
already
called
twice
a
day
at
the
Hôtel
de
la
Mole
;
the
jealous
eye
of
a
jilted
lover
was
alive
to
every
one
of
his
movements
.
When
he
thought
he
had
noticed
that
mademoiselle
de
la
Mole
was
beginning
to
encourage
her
intended
,
Julien
could
not
help
looking
tenderly
at
his
pistols
as
he
went
up
to
his
room
.
"
Ah
,
"
he
said
to
himself
,
"
would
it
not
be
much
wiser
to
take
the
marks
out
of
my
linen
and
to
go
into
some
solitary
forest
twenty
leagues
from
Paris
to
put
an
end
to
this
atrocious
life
?
I
should
be
unknown
in
the
district
,
my
death
would
remain
a
secret
for
a
fortnight
,
and
who
would
bother
about
me
after
a
fortnight
?
"
This
reasoning
was
very
logical
.
But
on
the
following
day
a
glimpse
of
Mathilde
’
s
arm
between
the
sleeve
of
her
dress
and
her
glove
sufficed
to
plunge
our
young
philosopher
into
memories
which
,
though
agonising
,
none
the
less
gave
him
a
hold
on
life
.
"
Well
,
"
he
said
to
himself
,
"
I
will
follow
this
Russian
plan
to
the
end
.
How
will
it
all
finish
?
"
"
So
far
as
the
maréchale
is
concerned
,
after
I
have
copied
out
these
fifty
-
three
letters
,
I
shall
not
write
any
others
.
"
As
for
Mathilde
,
these
six
weeks
of
painful
acting
will
either
leave
her
anger
unchanged
,
or
will
win
me
a
moment
of
reconciliation
.
Great
God
!
I
should
die
of
happiness
.
"
And
he
could
not
finish
his
train
of
thought
After
a
long
reverie
he
succeeded
in
taking
up
the
thread
of
his
argument
.
"
In
that
case
,
"
he
said
to
himself
,
"
I
should
win
one
day
of
happiness
,
and
after
that
her
cruelties
which
are
based
,
alas
,
on
my
lack
of
ability
to
please
her
will
recommence
.
I
should
have
nothing
left
to
do
,
I
should
be
ruined
and
lost
for
ever
.
With
such
a
character
as
hers
what
guarantee
can
she
give
me
?
Alas
!
My
manners
are
no
doubt
lacking
in
elegance
,
and
my
style
of
speech
is
heavy
and
monotonous
.
Great
God
,
why
am
I
myself
?
"
Sacrificing
one
’
s
self
to
one
’
s
passions
,
let
it
pass
;
but
sacrificing
one
’
s
self
to
passions
which
one
has
not
got
!
Oh
!
melancholy
nineteenth
century
!
Girodet
.
