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81

I

edge

closer

and

now

I

know

that

it

’

s

not

Teddy

lying

there

.

It

’

s

me

.

The

blood

from

my

chest

has

seeped

through

my

shirt

,

skirt

,

and

sweater

,

and

is

now

pooling

like

paint

drops

on

the

virgin

snow

.

One

of

my

legs

is

askew

,

the

skin

and

muscle

peeled

away

so

that

I

can

see

white

streaks

of

bone

82

My

eyes

are

closed

,

and

my

dark

brown

hair

is

wet

and

rusty

with

blood

.

83

I

spin

away

.

This

isn

’

t

right

.

This

cannot

be

happening

.

We

are

a

family

,

going

on

a

drive

.

This

isn

’

t

real

.

I

must

have

fallen

asleep

in

the

car

.

No

!

Stop

.

Please

stop

.

Please

wake

up

!

I

scream

into

the

chilly

air

.

It

’

s

cold

.

My

breath

should

smoke

.

It

doesn

’

t

.

I

stare

down

at

my

wrist

,

the

one

that

looks

fine

,

untouched

by

blood

and

gore

,

and

I

pinch

as

hard

as

I

can

.

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84

I

don

’

t

feel

a

thing

.

85

I

have

had

nightmares

before

—

falling

nightmares

,

playing

a

cello

recital

without

knowing

the

music

nightmares

,

breakup

with

Adam

nightmares

—

but

I

have

always

been

able

to

command

myself

to

open

my

eyes

,

to

lift

my

head

from

the

pillow

,

to

halt

the

horror

movie

playing

behind

my

closed

lids

.

I

try

again

.

Wake

up

!

I

scream

.

Wake

up

!

Wakeupwakeupwakeup

!

But

I

can

’

t

.

I

don

’

t

.

86

Then

I

hear

something

.

It

’

s

the

music

.

I

can

still

hear

the

music

.

So

I

concentrate

on

that

.

I

finger

the

notes

of

Beethoven

’

s

Cello

Sonata

no

.

3

with

my

hands

,

as

I

often

do

when

I

listen

to

pieces

I

am

working

on

.

Adam

calls

it

"

air

cello

.

"

He

’

s

always

asking

me

if

one

day

we

can

play

a

duet

,

him

on

air

guitar

,

me

on

air

cello

.

"

When

we

’

re

done

,

we

can

thrash

our

air

instruments

,

"

he

jokes

.

"

You

know

you

want

to

.

"

87

I

play

,

just

focusing

on

that

,

until

the

last

bit

of

life

in

the

car

dies

,

and

the

music

goes

with

it

.

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88

It

isn

’

t

long

after

that

the

sirens

come

.

89

Am

I

dead

?

90

I

actually

have

to

ask

myself

this

.

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