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I

feel

like

I

can

no

longer

keep

up

with

them

but

they

keep

coming

and

everything

is

colliding

,

until

I

cannot

take

it

anymore

.

Until

I

cannot

be

like

this

one

second

longer

.

There

is

a

blinding

flash

,

a

pain

that

rips

through

me

for

one

searing

instant

,

a

silent

scream

from

my

broken

body

.

For

the

first

time

,

I

can

sense

how

fully

agonizing

staying

will

be

.

But

then

I

feel

Adam

’

s

hand

.

Not

sense

it

,

but

feel

it

.

I

’

m

not

sitting

huddled

in

the

chair

anymore

.

I

’

m

lying

on

my

back

in

the

hospital

bed

,

one

again

with

my

body

.

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Adam

is

crying

and

somewhere

inside

of

me

I

am

crying

,

too

,

because

I

’

m

feeling

things

at

last

.

I

’

m

feeling

not

just

the

physical

pain

,

but

all

that

I

have

lost

,

and

it

is

profound

and

catastrophic

and

will

leave

a

crater

in

me

that

nothing

will

ever

fill

.

But

I

’

m

also

feeling

all

that

I

have

in

my

life

,

which

includes

what

I

have

lost

,

as

well

as

the

great

unknown

of

what

life

might

still

bring

me

.

And

it

’

s

all

too

much

.

The

feelings

pile

up

,

threatening

to

crack

my

chest

wide

open

.

The

only

way

to

survive

them

is

to

concentrate

on

Adam

’

s

hand

.

Grasping

mine

.

And

suddenly

I

just

need

to

hold

his

hand

more

than

I

’

ve

ever

needed

anything

in

this

world

.

Not

just

be

held

by

it

,

but

hold

it

back

.

I

aim

every

remaining

ounce

of

energy

into

my

right

hand

.

I

’

m

weak

,

and

this

is

so

hard

.

It

’

s

the

hardest

thing

I

will

ever

have

to

do

.

I

summon

all

the

love

I

have

ever

felt

,

I

summon

all

the

strength

that

Gran

and

Gramps

and

Kim

and

the

nurses

and

Willow

have

given

me

I

summon

all

the

breath

that

Mom

,

Dad

,

and

Teddy

would

fill

me

with

if

they

could

.

I

summon

all

my

own

strength

,

focus

it

like

a

laser

beam

into

the

fingers

and

palm

of

my

right

hand

.

I

picture

my

hand

stroking

Teddy

’

s

hair

,

grasping

a

bow

poised

above

my

cello

,

interlaced

with

Adam

’

s

.

And

then

I

squeeze

.

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I

slump

back

,

spent

,

unsure

of

whether

I

just

did

what

I

did

.

Of

what

it

means

.

If

it

registered

.

If

it

matters

.

But

then

I

feel

Adam

’

s

grip

tighten

,

so

that

the

grasp

of

his

hand

feels

like

it

is

holding

my

entire

body

.

Like

it

could

lift

me

up

right

out

of

this

bed

.

And

then

I

hear

the

sharp

intake

of

his

breath

followed

by

the

sound

of

his

voice

.

It

’

s

the

first

time

today

I

can

truly

hear

him

.

"

Mia

?

"

he

asks

.

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