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And
it
’
s
while
contemplating
this
that
I
think
about
what
the
nurse
said
.
She
’
s
running
the
show
.
And
suddenly
I
understand
what
Gramps
was
really
asking
Gran
.
He
had
listened
to
that
nurse
,
too
.
He
got
it
before
I
did
.
If
I
stay
.
If
I
live
.
It
’
s
up
to
me
.
All
this
business
about
medically
induced
comas
is
just
doctor
talk
.
It
’
s
not
up
to
the
doctors
.
It
’
s
not
up
to
the
absentee
angels
.
It
’
s
not
even
up
to
God
who
,
if
He
exists
,
is
nowhere
around
right
now
.
It
’
s
up
to
me
.
How
am
I
supposed
to
decide
this
?
How
can
I
possibly
stay
without
Mom
and
Dad
?
How
can
I
leave
without
Teddy
?
Or
Adam
?
This
is
too
much
.
I
don
’
t
even
understand
how
it
all
works
,
why
I
’
m
here
in
the
state
that
I
’
m
in
or
how
to
get
out
of
it
if
I
wanted
to
.
If
I
were
to
say
,
I
want
to
wake
up
,
would
I
wake
up
right
now
?
I
already
tried
snapping
my
heels
to
find
Teddy
and
trying
to
beam
myself
to
Hawaii
,
and
that
didn
’
t
work
.
This
seems
a
whole
lot
more
complicated
.
But
in
spite
of
that
,
I
believe
it
’
s
true
.
I
hear
the
nurse
’
s
words
again
.
I
am
running
the
show
.
Everyone
is
waiting
on
me
.
I
decide
.
I
know
this
now
.
And
this
terrifies
me
more
than
anything
else
that
has
happened
today
.
Where
the
hell
is
Adam
?
A
week
before
Halloween
of
my
junior
year
,
Adam
showed
up
at
my
door
triumphant
.
He
was
holding
a
dress
bag
and
wearing
a
shit
-
eating
grin
.
