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He
doesn
’
t
so
much
sit
in
the
chair
as
fall
into
it
,
like
clothes
heaped
onto
the
floor
at
the
end
of
a
long
day
.
He
covers
his
face
with
his
hands
and
takes
deep
breaths
to
steady
himself
.
After
a
minute
,
he
drops
his
hands
into
his
lap
.
"
Just
listen
,
"
he
says
with
a
voice
that
sounds
like
shrapnel
.
I
open
my
eyes
wide
now
.
I
sit
up
as
much
as
I
can
.
And
I
listen
.
"
Stay
.
"
With
that
one
word
,
Adam
’
s
voice
catches
,
but
he
swallows
the
emotion
and
pushes
forward
.
"
There
’
s
no
word
for
what
happened
to
you
.
There
’
s
no
good
side
of
it
.
But
there
is
something
to
live
for
.
And
I
’
m
not
talking
about
me
.
It
’
s
just
.
.
.
I
don
’
t
know
.
Maybe
I
’
m
talking
shit
.
I
know
I
’
m
in
shock
.
I
know
I
haven
’
t
digested
what
happened
to
your
parents
,
to
Teddy
.
.
.
"
When
he
says
Teddy
,
his
voice
cracks
and
an
avalanche
of
tears
tumbles
down
his
face
.
And
I
think
:
I
love
you
.
I
hear
him
take
gulpfuls
of
air
to
steady
himself
.
And
then
he
continues
:
"
All
I
can
think
about
is
how
f
*
*
ked
up
it
would
be
for
your
life
to
end
here
,
now
.
I
mean
,
I
know
that
your
life
is
f
*
*
ked
up
no
matter
what
now
,
forever
.
And
I
’
m
not
dumb
enough
to
think
that
I
can
undo
that
,
that
anyone
can
.
But
I
can
’
t
wrap
my
mind
around
the
notion
of
you
not
getting
old
,
having
kids
,
going
to
Juilliard
,
getting
to
play
that
cello
in
front
of
a
huge
audience
,
so
that
they
can
get
the
chills
the
way
I
do
every
time
I
see
you
pick
up
your
bow
,
every
time
I
see
you
smile
at
me
.
"
If
you
stay
,
I
’
ll
do
whatever
you
want
.
I
’
ll
quit
the
band
,
go
with
you
to
New
York
.
But
if
you
need
me
to
go
away
,
I
’
ll
do
that
,
too
.
I
was
talking
to
Liz
and
she
said
maybe
coming
back
to
your
old
life
would
just
be
too
painful
,
that
maybe
it
’
d
be
easier
for
you
to
erase
us
.
And
that
would
suck
,
but
I
’
d
do
it
.
I
can
lose
you
like
that
if
I
don
’
t
lose
you
today
.
I
’
ll
let
you
go
.
If
you
stay
.
"
Then
it
is
Adam
who
lets
go
.
His
sobs
burst
like
fists
pounding
against
tender
flesh
.
I
close
my
eyes
.
I
cover
my
ears
.
I
cannot
watch
this
.
I
cannot
hear
this
.
But
then
,
it
is
no
longer
Adam
that
I
hear
.
It
’
s
that
sound
,
the
low
moan
that
in
an
instant
takes
flight
and
turns
into
something
sweet
.
It
’
s
the
cello
.
Adam
has
placed
headphones
over
my
lifeless
ears
and
is
laying
an
iPod
down
on
my
chest
.
He
’
s
apologizing
,
saying
that
he
knows
this
isn
’
t
my
favorite
but
it
was
the
best
he
could
do
.
He
turns
up
the
volume
so
I
can
hear
the
music
floating
across
the
morning
air
.
Then
he
takes
my
hand
.
