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"
Totally
,
"
Kim
said
Adam
took
my
hand
and
caressed
the
inside
of
my
wrist
with
his
fingers
.
"
Do
it
for
me
.
I
really
want
to
play
with
you
.
Just
once
.
"
I
was
about
to
shake
my
head
,
to
reaffirm
that
my
cello
had
no
place
among
the
jamming
guitars
,
no
place
in
the
punk
-
rock
world
.
But
then
I
looked
out
at
Mom
,
who
was
smirking
at
me
,
as
if
issuing
a
challenge
,
and
Dad
,
who
was
tapping
on
his
pipe
,
pretending
to
be
nonchalant
so
as
not
to
apply
any
pressure
,
and
Teddy
,
who
was
jumping
up
and
down
—
though
I
think
it
was
because
he
was
hopped
up
on
marshmallows
,
not
because
he
had
any
desire
to
hear
me
play
—
and
Kim
and
Willow
and
Henry
all
peering
at
me
like
this
really
mattered
,
and
Adam
,
looking
as
awed
and
proud
as
he
always
did
when
he
listened
to
me
play
.
And
I
was
a
little
scared
of
falling
on
my
face
,
of
not
blending
,
of
making
bad
music
.
But
everyone
was
looking
at
me
so
intently
,
wanting
me
to
join
in
so
much
,
and
I
realized
that
sounding
bad
wasn
’
t
the
worst
thing
in
the
world
that
could
happen
.
So
I
played
.
And
even
though
you
wouldn
’
t
think
it
,
the
cello
didn
’
t
sound
half
bad
with
all
those
guitars
.
In
fact
,
it
sounded
pretty
amazing
.
It
’
s
morning
.
And
inside
the
hospital
,
there
’
s
a
different
kind
of
dawn
,
a
rustling
of
covers
,
a
clearing
of
the
eyes
.
In
some
ways
,
the
hospital
never
goes
to
sleep
.
The
lights
stay
on
and
the
nurses
stay
awake
,
but
even
though
it
’
s
still
dark
outside
,
you
can
tell
that
things
are
waking
up
.
The
doctors
are
back
,
yanking
on
my
eyelids
,
shining
their
lights
at
me
,
frowning
as
they
scribble
notes
in
my
chart
as
though
I
’
ve
let
them
down
.
I
don
’
t
care
anymore
.
I
’
m
tired
of
this
all
,
and
it
will
be
over
soon
.
The
social
worker
is
back
on
duty
again
,
too
.
It
looks
like
the
night
’
s
sleep
had
little
impact
on
her
.
Her
eyes
are
still
heavy
,
her
hair
a
kinky
mess
.
She
reads
my
chart
and
listens
to
updates
from
the
nurses
on
my
bumpy
night
,
which
seems
to
make
her
even
more
tired
.
The
nurse
with
the
blue
-
black
skin
is
also
back
.
She
greeted
me
by
telling
me
how
glad
she
was
to
see
me
this
morning
,
how
she
’
d
been
thinking
about
me
last
night
,
hoping
I
’
d
be
here
.
Then
she
noticed
the
bloodstain
on
my
blanket
and
tsked
tsked
before
hustling
off
to
get
me
a
new
one
.
After
Kim
left
,
there
haven
’
t
been
any
more
visitors
.
I
guess
Willow
has
run
out
of
people
to
lobby
me
with
.
I
wonder
if
this
deciding
business
is
something
that
all
the
nurses
are
aware
of
.
Nurse
Ramirez
sure
knew
about
it
.
And
I
think
the
nurse
with
me
now
knows
it
,
too
,
judging
by
how
congratulatory
she
’
s
acting
that
I
made
it
through
the
night
.
And
Willow
seems
like
she
knows
it
,
too
,
with
the
way
she
’
s
been
marching
everyone
through
here
.
I
like
these
nurses
so
much
.
I
hope
they
will
not
take
my
decision
personally
.
I
am
so
tired
now
that
I
can
barely
blink
my
eyes
.
It
’
s
all
just
a
matter
of
time
,
and
part
of
me
wonders
why
I
’
m
delaying
the
inevitable
.
But
I
know
why
.
I
’
m
waiting
for
Adam
to
come
back
.
Though
it
seems
like
he
has
been
gone
for
an
eternity
,
it
’
s
probably
only
been
an
hour
.
And
he
asked
me
to
wait
,
so
I
will
.
That
’
s
the
least
I
can
do
for
him
.
My
eyes
are
closed
so
I
hear
him
before
I
see
him
.
I
hear
the
raspy
,
quick
rushes
of
his
lungs
.
He
is
panting
like
he
just
ran
a
marathon
.
Then
I
smell
the
sweat
on
him
,
a
clean
musky
scent
that
I
’
d
bottle
and
wear
as
perfume
if
I
could
.
I
open
my
eyes
.
Adam
has
closed
his
.
But
the
lids
are
puffy
and
pink
,
so
I
know
what
he
’
s
been
doing
.
Is
that
why
he
went
away
?
To
cry
without
my
seeing
?
