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She
tells
me
about
Adam
,
his
determination
to
get
in
to
see
me
,
how
after
he
got
kicked
out
of
the
ICU
,
he
enlisted
the
help
of
his
music
friends
,
who
were
not
at
all
the
snobby
scenesters
she
’
d
imagined
them
to
be
.
Then
she
told
me
that
a
bona
fide
rock
star
had
come
to
the
hospital
on
my
behalf
.
Of
course
,
I
know
almost
everything
that
Kim
is
telling
me
,
but
there
is
no
way
that
she
’
d
know
that
.
Besides
,
I
like
having
her
recount
the
day
to
me
.
I
like
how
Kim
is
talking
to
me
normally
,
like
Gran
did
earlier
,
just
jabbering
on
,
spinning
a
good
yarn
,
as
if
we
were
together
on
my
porch
,
drinking
coffee
(
or
an
iced
caramel
frappuccino
in
Kim
’
s
case
)
and
catching
up
.
I
don
’
t
know
if
once
you
die
you
remember
things
that
happened
to
you
when
you
were
alive
.
It
makes
a
certain
logical
sense
that
you
wouldn
’
t
.
That
being
dead
will
feel
like
before
you
were
born
,
which
is
to
say
,
a
whole
lot
of
nothingness
.
Except
that
for
me
,
at
least
,
my
prebirth
years
aren
’
t
entirely
blank
.
Every
now
and
again
,
Mom
or
Dad
will
be
telling
a
story
about
something
,
about
Dad
catching
his
first
salmon
with
Gramps
,
or
Mom
remembering
the
amazing
Dead
Moon
concert
she
saw
with
Dad
on
their
first
date
,
and
I
’
ll
have
an
overpowering
déjà
vu
.
Not
just
a
sense
that
I
’
ve
heard
the
story
before
,
but
that
I
’
ve
lived
it
.
I
can
picture
myself
sitting
on
the
riverbank
as
Dad
pulls
a
hot
-
pink
coho
out
of
the
water
,
even
though
Dad
was
all
of
twelve
at
the
time
.
Or
I
can
hear
the
feedback
when
Dead
Moon
played
"
D
.
O
.
A
.
"
at
the
X
-
Ray
,
even
though
I
’
ve
never
heard
Dead
Moon
play
live
,
even
though
the
X
-
Ray
Café
shut
down
before
I
was
born
.
But
sometimes
the
memories
feel
so
real
,
so
visceral
,
so
personal
,
that
I
confuse
them
with
my
own
.
I
never
told
anyone
about
these
"
memories
.
"
Mom
probably
would
’
ve
said
that
I
was
there
—
as
one
of
the
eggs
in
her
ovaries
.
Dad
would
’
ve
joked
that
he
and
Mom
had
tortured
me
with
their
stories
one
too
many
times
and
had
inadvertently
brainwashed
me
.
And
Gran
would
’
ve
told
me
that
maybe
I
was
there
as
an
angel
before
I
chose
to
become
Mom
and
Dad
’
s
kid
.
But
now
I
wonder
.
And
now
I
hope
.
Because
when
I
go
,
I
want
to
remember
Kim
.
And
I
want
to
remember
her
like
this
:
telling
a
funny
story
,
fighting
with
her
crazy
mom
,
being
cheered
on
by
punkers
,
rising
to
the
occasion
,
finding
little
pockets
of
strength
in
herself
that
she
had
no
idea
she
possessed
.
Adam
is
a
different
story
.
Remembering
Adam
would
be
like
losing
him
all
over
again
,
and
I
’
m
not
sure
if
I
can
bear
that
on
top
of
everything
else
.
Kim
’
s
up
to
the
part
of
Operation
Distraction
,
when
Brooke
Vega
and
a
dozen
assorted
punks
descended
upon
the
hospital
.
She
tells
me
that
before
they
got
to
the
ICU
,
she
was
so
scared
of
getting
into
trouble
,
but
how
when
she
burst
inside
the
ward
,
she
’
d
felt
exhilarated
.
When
the
guard
had
grabbed
her
,
she
hadn
’
t
been
scared
at
all
.
"
I
kept
thinking
,
what
’
s
the
worst
that
could
happen
?
I
go
to
jail
.
Mom
has
a
conniption
.
I
get
grounded
for
a
year
.
"
She
stops
for
a
minute
.
"
But
after
what
’
s
happened
today
,
that
would
be
nothing
.
Even
going
to
jail
would
be
easy
compared
to
losing
you
.
"
I
know
that
Kim
’
s
telling
me
this
to
try
to
keep
me
alive
.
She
probably
doesn
’
t
realize
that
in
a
weird
way
,
her
remark
frees
me
,
just
like
Gramps
’
s
permission
did
.
I
know
it
will
be
awful
for
Kim
when
I
die
,
but
I
also
think
about
what
she
said
,
about
not
being
scared
,
about
jail
being
easy
compared
to
losing
me
.
And
that
’
s
how
I
know
that
Kim
will
be
okay
.
Losing
me
will
hurt
;
it
will
be
the
kind
of
pain
that
won
’
t
feel
real
at
first
,
and
when
it
does
,
it
will
take
her
breath
away
.
And
the
rest
of
her
senior
year
will
probably
suck
,
what
with
her
getting
all
that
cloying
your
-
best
-
friend
’
s
-
dead
sympathy
that
will
drive
her
so
crazy
,
and
also
because
really
,
we
are
each
other
’
s
only
close
friend
at
school
.
But
she
’
ll
deal
.
She
’
ll
move
on
.
She
’
ll
leave
Oregon
.
She
’
ll
go
to
college
.
She
’
ll
make
new
friends
.
She
’
ll
fall
in
love
.
She
’
ll
become
a
photographer
,
the
kind
who
never
has
to
go
on
a
helicopter
.
And
I
bet
she
’
ll
be
a
stronger
person
because
of
what
she
’
s
lost
today
.
I
have
a
feeling
that
once
you
live
through
something
like
this
,
you
become
a
little
bit
invincible
.
