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- Ешь, молись, люби
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- Стр. 51/229
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If
even
she
wants
what
I
want
,
then
…
?
Continuing
with
this
unprecedented
string
of
intimacies
,
my
mother
said
,
"
You
have
to
understand
how
little
I
was
raised
to
expect
that
I
deserved
in
life
,
honey
.
Remember
-
I
come
from
a
different
time
and
place
than
you
do
.
"
I
closed
my
eyes
and
saw
my
mother
,
ten
years
old
on
the
family
farm
in
Minnesota
,
working
like
a
hired
hand
,
raising
her
younger
brothers
,
wearing
the
clothes
of
her
older
sister
,
saving
dimes
to
get
herself
out
of
there
…
"
And
you
have
to
understand
how
much
I
love
your
father
,
"
she
concluded
.
My
mother
has
made
choices
in
her
life
,
as
we
all
must
,
and
she
is
at
peace
with
them
.
I
can
see
her
peace
.
She
did
not
cop
out
on
herself
.
The
benefits
of
her
choices
are
massive
-
a
long
,
stable
marriage
to
a
man
she
still
calls
her
best
friend
;
a
family
that
has
extended
now
into
grandchildren
who
adore
her
;
a
certainty
in
her
own
strength
.
Maybe
some
things
were
sacrificed
,
and
my
dad
made
his
sacrifices
,
too
-
but
who
amongst
us
lives
without
sacrifice
?
And
the
question
now
for
me
is
,
What
are
my
choices
to
be
?
What
do
I
believe
that
I
deserve
in
this
life
?
Where
can
I
accept
sacrifice
,
and
where
can
I
not
?
It
has
been
so
hard
for
me
to
imagine
living
a
life
without
David
in
it
.
Even
just
to
imagine
that
there
will
never
be
another
road
trip
with
my
favorite
traveling
companion
,
that
I
will
never
again
pull
up
at
his
curb
with
the
windows
down
and
Springsteen
playing
on
the
radio
,
a
lifetime
supply
of
banter
and
snacks
between
us
,
and
an
ocean
destination
looming
down
the
highway
.
But
how
can
I
accept
that
bliss
when
it
comes
with
this
dark
underside
-
bone
-
crushing
isolation
,
corrosive
insecurity
,
insidious
resentment
and
,
of
course
,
the
complete
dismantling
of
self
that
inevitably
occurs
when
David
ceases
to
giveth
,
and
commences
to
taketh
away
.
I
can
’
t
do
it
anymore
.
Something
about
my
recent
joy
in
Naples
has
made
me
certain
that
I
not
only
can
find
happiness
without
David
,
but
must
.
No
matter
how
much
I
love
him
(
and
I
do
love
him
,
in
stupid
excess
)
,
I
have
to
say
goodbye
to
this
person
now
.
And
I
have
to
make
it
stick
.
So
I
write
him
an
e
-
mail
.
It
’
s
November
.
We
haven
’
t
had
any
communication
since
July
.
I
’
d
asked
him
not
to
get
in
touch
with
me
while
I
was
traveling
,
knowing
that
my
attachment
to
him
was
so
strong
it
would
be
impossible
for
me
to
focus
on
my
journey
if
I
were
also
tracking
his
.
But
now
I
’
m
entering
his
life
again
with
this
e
-
mail
.
