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- Авторы
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- Джозеф Хеллер
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- Уловка 22
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- Стр. 92/452
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Being
born
with
a
sickly
resemblance
to
Henry
Fonda
was
the
first
of
a
long
series
of
practical
jokes
of
which
destiny
was
to
make
Major
Major
the
unhappy
victim
throughout
his
joyless
life
.
Being
born
Major
Major
Major
was
the
second
.
The
fact
that
he
had
been
born
Major
Major
Major
was
a
secret
known
only
to
his
father
.
Not
until
Major
Major
was
enrolling
in
kindergarten
was
the
discovery
of
his
real
name
made
,
and
then
the
effects
were
disastrous
.
The
news
killed
his
mother
,
who
just
lost
her
will
to
live
and
wasted
away
and
died
,
which
was
just
fine
with
his
father
,
who
had
decided
to
marry
the
bad
-
tempered
girl
at
the
A
&
P
if
he
had
to
and
who
had
not
been
optimistic
about
his
chances
of
getting
his
wife
off
the
land
without
paying
her
some
money
or
flogging
her
.
On
Major
Major
himself
the
consequences
were
only
slightly
less
severe
.
It
was
a
harsh
and
stunning
realization
that
was
forced
upon
him
at
so
tender
an
age
,
the
realization
that
he
was
not
,
as
he
had
always
been
led
to
believe
,
Caleb
Major
,
but
instead
was
some
total
stranger
named
Major
Major
Major
about
whom
he
knew
absolutely
nothing
and
about
whom
nobody
else
had
ever
heard
before
.
What
playmates
he
had
withdrew
from
him
and
never
returned
,
disposed
,
as
they
were
,
to
distrust
all
strangers
,
especially
one
who
had
already
deceived
them
by
pretending
to
be
someone
they
had
known
for
years
.
Nobody
would
have
anything
to
do
with
him
.
He
began
to
drop
things
and
to
trip
.
He
had
a
shy
and
hopeful
manner
in
each
new
contact
,
and
he
was
always
disappointed
.
Because
he
needed
a
friend
so
desperately
,
he
never
found
one
.
He
grew
awkwardly
into
a
tall
,
strange
,
dreamy
boy
with
fragile
eyes
and
a
very
delicate
mouth
whose
tentative
,
groping
smile
collapsed
instantly
into
hurt
disorder
at
every
fresh
rebuff
.
He
was
polite
to
his
elders
,
who
disliked
him
.
Whatever
his
elders
told
him
to
do
,
he
did
.
They
told
him
to
look
before
he
leaped
,
and
he
always
looked
before
he
leaped
.
They
told
him
never
to
put
off
until
the
next
day
what
he
could
do
the
day
before
,
and
he
never
did
.
He
was
told
to
honor
his
father
and
his
mother
,
and
he
honored
his
father
and
his
mother
.
He
was
told
that
he
should
not
kill
,
and
he
did
not
kill
,
until
he
got
into
the
Army
.
Then
he
was
told
to
kill
,
and
he
killed
.
He
turned
the
other
cheek
on
every
occasion
and
always
did
unto
others
exactly
as
he
would
have
had
others
do
unto
him
.
When
he
gave
to
charity
,
his
left
hand
never
knew
what
his
right
hand
was
doing
.
He
never
once
took
the
name
of
the
Lord
his
God
in
vain
,
committed
adultery
or
coveted
his
neighbor
’
s
ass
.
In
fact
,
he
loved
his
neighbor
and
never
even
bore
false
witness
against
him
.
Major
Major
’
s
elders
disliked
him
because
he
was
such
a
flagrant
nonconformist
.
Since
he
had
nothing
better
to
do
well
in
,
he
did
well
in
school
.
At
the
state
university
he
took
his
studies
so
seriously
that
he
was
suspected
by
the
homosexuals
of
being
a
Communist
and
suspected
by
the
Communists
of
being
a
homosexual
.
He
majored
in
English
history
,
which
was
a
mistake
.
"
English
history
!
"
roared
the
silver
-
maned
senior
Senator
from
his
state
indignantly
.
"
What
’
s
the
matter
with
American
history
?
American
history
is
as
good
as
any
history
in
the
world
!
"
Major
Major
switched
immediately
to
American
literature
,
but
not
before
the
F
.
B
.
I
.
had
opened
a
file
on
him
.
There
were
six
people
and
a
Scotch
terrier
inhabiting
the
remote
farmhouse
Major
Major
called
home
,
and
five
of
them
and
the
Scotch
terrier
turned
out
to
be
agents
for
the
F
.
B
.
I
.
Soon
they
had
enough
derogatory
information
on
Major
Major
to
do
whatever
they
wanted
to
with
him
.
The
only
thing
they
could
find
to
do
with
him
,
however
,
was
take
him
into
the
Army
as
a
private
and
make
him
a
major
four
days
later
so
that
Congressmen
with
nothing
else
on
their
minds
could
go
trotting
back
and
forth
through
the
streets
of
Washington
,
D
.
C
.
,
chanting
,
"
Who
promoted
Major
Major
?
Who
promoted
Major
Major
?
"
Actually
,
Major
Major
had
been
promoted
by
an
I
.
B
.
M
.
machine
with
a
sense
of
humor
almost
as
keen
as
his
father
’
s
.
When
war
broke
out
,
he
was
still
docile
and
compliant
.
They
told
him
to
enlist
,
and
he
enlisted
.
They
told
him
to
apply
for
aviation
cadet
training
,
and
he
applied
for
aviation
cadet
training
,
and
the
very
next
night
found
himself
standing
barefoot
in
icy
mud
at
three
o
’
clock
in
the
morning
before
a
tough
and
belligerent
sergeant
from
the
Southwest
who
told
them
he
could
beat
hell
out
of
any
man
in
his
outfit
and
was
ready
to
prove
it
.
The
recruits
in
his
squadron
had
all
been
shaken
roughly
awake
only
minutes
before
by
the
sergeant
’
s
corporals
and
told
to
assemble
in
front
of
the
administration
tent
.
It
was
still
raining
on
Major
Major
.
They
fell
into
ranks
in
the
civilian
clothes
they
had
brought
into
the
Army
with
them
three
days
before
.
Those
who
had
lingered
to
put
shoes
and
socks
on
were
sent
back
to
their
cold
,
wet
,
dark
tents
to
remove
them
,
and
they
were
all
barefoot
in
the
mud
as
the
sergeant
ran
his
stony
eyes
over
their
faces
and
told
them
he
could
beat
hell
out
of
any
man
in
his
outfit
.
No
one
was
inclined
to
dispute
him
.
