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- Джозеф Хеллер
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- Уловка 22
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- Стр. 91/452
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From
this
meager
beginning
had
sprung
the
ineffectual
squadron
commander
who
was
now
spending
the
better
part
of
each
working
day
in
Pianosa
forging
Washington
Irving
’
s
name
to
official
documents
.
Major
Major
forged
diligently
with
his
left
hand
to
elude
identification
,
insulated
against
intrusion
by
his
own
undesired
authority
and
camouflaged
in
his
false
mustache
and
dark
glasses
as
an
additional
safeguard
against
detection
by
anyone
chancing
to
peer
in
through
the
dowdy
celluloid
window
from
which
some
thief
had
carved
out
a
slice
.
In
between
these
two
low
points
of
his
birth
and
his
success
lay
thirty
-
one
dismal
years
of
loneliness
and
frustration
.
Major
Major
had
been
born
too
late
and
too
mediocre
.
Some
men
are
born
mediocre
,
some
men
achieve
mediocrity
,
and
some
men
have
mediocrity
thrust
upon
them
.
With
Major
Major
it
had
been
all
three
.
Even
among
men
lacking
all
distinction
he
inevitably
stood
out
as
a
man
lacking
more
distinction
than
all
the
rest
,
and
people
who
met
him
were
always
impressed
by
how
unimpressive
he
was
.
Major
Major
had
three
strikes
on
him
from
the
beginning
—
his
mother
,
his
father
and
Henry
Fonda
,
to
whom
he
bore
a
sickly
resemblance
almost
from
the
moment
of
his
birth
.
Long
before
he
even
suspected
who
Henry
Fonda
was
,
he
found
himself
the
subject
of
unflattering
comparisons
everywhere
he
went
.
Total
strangers
saw
fit
to
deprecate
him
,
with
the
result
that
he
was
stricken
early
with
a
guilty
fear
of
people
and
an
obsequious
impulse
to
apologize
to
society
for
the
fact
that
he
was
not
Henry
Fonda
.
It
was
not
an
easy
task
for
him
to
go
through
life
looking
something
like
Henry
Fonda
,
but
he
never
once
thought
of
quitting
,
having
inherited
his
perseverance
from
his
father
,
a
lanky
man
with
a
good
sense
of
humor
.
Major
Major
’
s
father
was
a
sober
God
-
fearing
man
whose
idea
of
a
good
joke
was
to
lie
about
his
age
.
He
was
a
long
-
limbed
farmer
,
a
God
-
fearing
,
freedom
-
loving
,
law
-
abiding
rugged
individualist
who
held
that
federal
aid
to
anyone
but
farmers
was
creeping
socialism
.
He
advocated
thrift
and
hard
work
and
disapproved
of
loose
women
who
turned
him
down
.
His
specialty
was
alfalfa
,
and
he
made
a
good
thing
out
of
not
growing
any
.
The
government
paid
him
well
for
every
bushel
of
alfalfa
he
did
not
grow
.
The
more
alfalfa
he
did
not
grow
,
the
more
money
the
government
gave
him
,
and
he
spent
every
penny
he
didn
’
t
earn
on
new
land
to
increase
the
amount
of
alfalfa
he
did
not
produce
.
Major
Major
’
s
father
worked
without
rest
at
not
growing
alfalfa
.
On
long
winter
evenings
he
remained
indoors
and
did
not
mend
harness
,
and
he
sprang
out
of
bed
at
the
crack
of
noon
every
day
just
to
make
certain
that
the
chores
would
not
be
done
.
He
invested
in
land
wisely
and
soon
was
not
growing
more
alfalfa
than
any
other
man
in
the
county
.
Neighbors
sought
him
out
for
advice
on
all
subjects
,
for
he
had
made
much
money
and
was
therefore
wise
.
"
As
ye
sow
,
so
shall
ye
reap
,
"
he
counseled
one
and
all
,
and
everyone
said
,
"
Amen
.
"
Major
Major
’
s
father
was
an
outspoken
champion
of
economy
in
government
,
provided
it
did
not
interfere
with
the
sacred
duty
of
government
to
pay
farmers
as
much
as
they
could
get
for
all
the
alfalfa
they
produced
that
no
one
else
wanted
or
for
not
producing
any
alfalfa
at
all
.
He
was
a
proud
and
independent
man
who
was
opposed
to
unemployment
insurance
and
never
hesitated
to
whine
,
whimper
,
wheedle
,
and
extort
for
as
much
as
he
could
get
from
whomever
he
could
.
He
was
a
devout
man
whose
pulpit
was
everywhere
.
"
The
Lord
gave
us
good
farmers
two
strong
hands
so
that
we
could
take
as
much
as
we
could
grab
with
both
of
them
,
"
he
preached
with
ardor
on
the
courthouse
steps
or
in
the
front
of
the
A
&
P
as
he
waited
for
the
bad
-
tempered
gum
-
chewing
young
cashier
he
was
after
to
step
outside
and
give
him
a
nasty
look
.
"
If
the
Lord
didn
’
t
want
us
to
take
as
much
as
we
could
get
,
"
he
preached
,
"
He
wouldn
’
t
have
given
us
two
good
hands
to
take
it
with
.
"
And
the
others
murmured
,
"
Amen
.
"
Major
Major
’
s
father
had
a
Calvinist
’
s
faith
in
predestination
and
could
perceive
distinctly
how
everyone
’
s
misfortunes
but
his
own
were
expressions
of
God
’
s
will
.
He
smoked
cigarettes
and
drank
whiskey
,
and
he
thrived
on
good
wit
and
stimulating
intellectual
conversation
,
particularly
his
own
when
he
was
lying
about
his
age
or
telling
that
good
one
about
God
and
his
wife
’
s
difficulties
in
delivering
Major
Major
.
The
good
one
about
God
and
his
wife
’
s
difficulties
had
to
do
with
the
fact
that
it
had
taken
God
only
six
days
to
produce
the
whole
world
,
whereas
his
wife
had
spent
a
full
day
and
a
half
in
labor
just
to
produce
Major
Major
.
A
lesser
man
might
have
wavered
that
day
in
the
hospital
corridor
,
a
weaker
man
might
have
compromised
on
such
excellent
substitutes
as
Drum
Major
,
Minor
Major
,
Sergeant
Major
,
or
C
Sharp
Major
,
but
Major
Major
’
s
father
had
waited
fourteen
years
for
just
such
an
opportunity
,
and
he
was
not
a
person
to
waste
it
.
Major
Major
’
s
father
had
a
good
joke
about
opportunity
.
"
Opportunity
only
knocks
once
in
this
world
,
"
he
would
say
.
Major
Major
’
s
father
repeated
this
good
joke
at
every
opportunity
.
