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I
wanted
to
think
about
the
I
Love
America
Essay
Contest
my
offspring
were
entering
.
But
behind
these
and
others
,
I
wanted
to
consider
what
was
happening
to
me
and
what
to
do
about
it
,
so
naturally
I
got
out
the
last
thing
first
and
I
found
that
the
dark
jury
of
the
deep
had
already
decided
for
me
.
There
it
was
,
laid
out
and
certain
.
It
was
like
training
for
a
race
and
preparing
and
finally
being
down
at
start
with
your
spikes
set
in
their
holes
.
No
choice
then
.
You
go
when
the
pistol
cracks
.
I
found
I
was
ready
with
my
spikes
set
,
waiting
only
for
the
shot
.
And
apparently
I
was
the
last
to
know
.
All
day
people
had
remarked
that
I
looked
well
,
by
that
meaning
I
looked
different
,
more
confident
,
changed
.
That
drummer
had
a
look
of
shock
in
the
afternoon
.
Marullo
had
inspected
me
uneasily
.
And
Joey
-
boy
felt
the
need
to
apologize
for
something
I
had
done
.
Then
Margie
Young
-
Hunt
—
maybe
she
was
the
sharpest
with
her
rattlesnake
dream
.
Some
way
she
had
penetrated
and
discovered
a
certainty
about
me
before
I
was
certain
of
it
.
And
the
symbol
was
a
rattlesnake
.
I
found
I
was
grinning
in
the
dark
.
And
afterward
,
confused
,
she
used
the
oldest
trick
—
the
threat
of
infidelity
,
a
bait
cast
in
a
flowing
tide
to
find
what
fish
are
feeding
there
.
I
didn
’
t
remember
the
secret
whisper
of
her
hidden
body
—
no
,
the
picture
was
of
her
clawed
hands
that
showed
age
and
nervousness
and
the
cruelty
that
comes
to
one
when
control
of
a
situation
is
lost
.
Sometimes
I
wish
I
knew
the
nature
of
night
thoughts
.
They
’
re
close
kin
to
dreams
.
Sometimes
I
can
direct
them
,
and
other
times
they
take
their
head
and
come
rushing
over
me
like
strong
,
unmanaged
horses
.
Danny
Taylor
came
in
.
I
didn
’
t
want
to
think
about
him
and
be
sad
but
he
came
anyway
.
I
had
to
use
a
trick
a
tough
old
sergeant
taught
me
once
,
and
it
works
.
There
was
a
day
and
a
night
and
a
day
in
the
war
that
was
all
one
piece
,
one
unit
of
which
the
parts
were
just
about
all
the
dirty
dreadfulness
that
can
happen
in
that
sick
business
.
While
it
was
going
on
I
’
m
not
sure
I
knew
its
agony
because
I
was
busy
and
unutterably
tired
,
but
afterward
that
unit
of
a
day
and
a
night
and
a
day
came
back
to
me
over
and
over
again
in
my
night
thoughts
until
it
was
like
that
insanity
they
call
battle
fatigue
and
once
named
shell
-
shock
.
I
used
every
trick
I
could
not
to
think
of
it
,
but
it
crept
back
in
spite
of
me
.
It
waited
through
the
day
to
get
at
me
in
the
dark
.
Once
mawkish
with
whisky
I
told
it
to
my
top
sergeant
,
an
old
pro
who
had
been
in
wars
we
have
forgotten
ever
happened
.
If
he
had
worn
his
ribbons
,
there
’
d
have
been
no
room
for
buttons
—
Mike
Pulaski
,
a
polack
from
Chicago
,
no
relation
to
the
hero
.
By
good
fortune
,
he
was
decently
drunk
or
he
might
have
clammed
up
out
of
a
conditioned
conviction
about
fraternizing
with
an
officer
.
Mike
heard
me
out
,
staring
at
a
spot
between
my
eyes
.
"
Yeah
!
"
he
said
.
"
I
know
about
that
.
Trouble
is
,
a
guy
tries
to
shove
it
out
of
his
head
.
That
don
’
t
work
.
What
you
got
to
do
is
kind
of
welcome
it
.
"
"
How
do
you
mean
,
Mike
?
"
"
Take
it
’
s
something
kind
of
long
—
you
start
at
the
beginning
and
remember
everything
you
can
,
right
to
the
end
.
Every
time
it
comes
back
you
do
that
,
from
the
first
right
through
the
finish
.
Pretty
soon
it
’
ll
get
tired
and
pieces
of
it
will
go
,
and
before
long
the
whole
thing
will
go
.
"
I
tried
it
and
it
worked
.
I
don
’
t
know
whether
the
headshrinkers
know
this
but
they
should
.
When
Danny
Taylor
came
into
my
night
I
gave
him
Sergeant
Mike
’
s
treatment
.
When
we
were
kids
together
,
same
age
,
same
size
,
same
weight
,
we
used
to
go
to
the
grain
and
feed
store
on
High
Street
and
get
on
the
scales
.
One
week
I
’
d
be
half
a
pound
heavier
and
the
next
Danny
would
catch
up
with
me
.
We
used
to
fish
and
hunt
and
swim
together
and
go
out
with
the
same
girls
.
Danny
’
s
family
was
well
fixed
like
most
of
the
old
families
of
New
Baytown
.
The
Taylor
house
is
that
white
one
with
the
tall
fluted
columns
on
Porlock
Street
.
Once
the
Taylors
had
a
country
house
too
—
about
three
miles
from
town
.
