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- Джон Фоулз
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What
this
is
all
leading
to
is
I
got
a
bit
drunk
once
or
twice
when
I
was
in
the
Pay
Corps
,
especially
in
Germany
,
but
I
never
had
anything
to
do
with
women
.
I
never
thought
about
women
much
before
Miranda
.
I
know
I
don
’
t
have
what
it
is
girls
look
for
;
I
know
chaps
like
Crutchley
who
just
seem
plain
coarse
to
me
get
on
well
with
them
.
Some
of
the
girls
in
the
Annexe
,
it
was
really
disgusting
,
the
looks
they
’
d
give
him
.
It
’
s
some
crude
animal
thing
I
was
born
without
.
(
And
I
’
m
glad
I
was
,
if
more
people
were
like
me
,
in
my
opinion
,
the
world
would
be
better
.
)
When
you
don
’
t
have
money
,
you
always
think
things
will
be
very
different
after
.
I
didn
’
t
want
more
than
my
due
,
nothing
excessive
,
but
we
could
see
straight
away
at
the
hotel
that
of
course
they
were
respectful
on
the
surface
,
but
that
was
all
,
they
really
despised
us
for
having
all
that
money
and
not
knowing
what
to
do
with
it
.
They
still
treated
me
behind
the
scenes
for
what
I
was
—
a
clerk
.
It
was
no
good
throwing
money
around
.
As
soon
as
we
spoke
or
did
something
we
gave
the
game
away
.
You
could
see
them
saying
,
don
’
t
kid
us
,
we
know
what
you
are
,
why
don
’
t
you
go
back
where
you
came
from
.
I
remember
a
night
we
went
out
and
had
supper
at
a
posh
restaurant
.
It
was
on
a
list
the
pools
people
gave
us
.
It
was
good
food
,
we
ate
it
but
I
didn
’
t
hardly
taste
it
because
of
the
way
people
looked
at
us
and
the
way
the
slimy
foreign
waiters
and
everybody
treated
us
,
and
how
everything
in
the
room
seemed
to
look
down
at
us
because
we
weren
’
t
brought
up
their
way
.
I
read
the
other
day
an
article
about
class
going
—
I
could
tell
them
things
about
that
.
If
you
ask
me
,
London
’
s
all
arranged
for
the
people
who
can
act
like
public
schoolboys
,
and
you
don
’
t
get
anywhere
if
you
don
’
t
have
the
manner
born
and
the
right
la
-
di
-
da
voice
—
I
mean
rich
people
’
s
London
,
the
West
End
,
of
course
.
One
evening
—
it
was
after
the
posh
restaurant
,
I
was
feeling
depressed
—
I
told
Aunt
Annie
I
felt
like
a
walk
,
which
I
did
.
I
walked
and
I
suddenly
felt
I
’
d
like
to
have
a
woman
,
I
mean
to
be
able
to
know
I
’
d
had
a
woman
,
so
I
rang
up
a
telephone
number
a
chap
at
the
cheque
-
giving
ceremony
gave
me
.
If
you
want
a
bit
of
you
-
know
-
what
,
he
said
.
A
woman
said
,
"
I
’
m
engaged
.
"
I
asked
if
she
knew
any
other
number
,
and
she
gave
me
two
.
Well
,
I
took
a
taxi
round
to
the
second
one
’
s
address
.
I
won
’
t
say
what
happened
,
except
that
I
was
no
good
.
I
was
too
nervous
,
I
tried
to
be
as
if
I
knew
all
about
it
and
of
course
she
saw
,
she
was
old
and
she
was
horrible
,
horrible
.
I
mean
,
both
the
filthy
way
she
behaved
and
in
looks
.
She
was
worn
,
common
.
Like
a
specimen
you
’
d
turn
away
from
,
out
collecting
.
I
thought
of
Miranda
seeing
me
there
like
that
.
As
I
said
,
I
tried
to
do
it
but
it
was
no
good
and
I
didn
’
t
try
hardly
.
I
’
m
not
the
crude
pushing
sort
,
I
never
have
been
,
I
always
had
higher
aspirations
,
as
they
say
.
Crutchley
used
to
say
you
had
to
push
nowadays
to
get
anywhere
,
and
he
used
to
say
,
look
at
old
Tom
,
look
where
being
slimy
’
s
got
him
.
Crutchley
used
to
be
very
familiar
,
much
too
so
in
yours
truly
’
s
opinion
,
as
I
said
.
Though
he
knew
when
to
be
slimy
when
it
paid
;
to
Mr
.
Williams
,
for
instance
.
A
bit
more
life
,
Clegg
,
Mr
.
Williams
once
said
to
me
,
when
I
was
on
Inquiries
.
The
public
like
a
smile
or
a
small
joke
once
in
a
while
,
he
said
,
we
aren
’
t
all
born
with
a
gift
for
it
,
like
Crutchley
,
but
we
can
try
,
you
know
.
That
really
riled
me
.
I
can
say
I
was
sick
to
death
with
the
Annexe
,
and
I
was
going
to
leave
anyhow
.
I
was
not
different
,
I
can
prove
it
,
one
reason
I
got
fed
up
with
Aunt
Annie
was
I
started
to
get
interested
with
some
of
the
books
you
can
buy
at
shops
in
Soho
,
books
of
stark
women
and
all
that
.
I
could
hide
the
magazines
,
but
there
were
books
I
wanted
to
buy
and
I
couldn
’
t
in
case
she
tumbled
.
I
always
wanted
to
do
photography
,
I
got
a
camera
at
once
of
course
,
a
Leica
,
the
best
,
telephoto
lens
,
the
lot
;
the
main
idea
was
to
take
butterflies
living
like
the
famous
Mr
.
S
.
Beaufoy
;
but
also
often
before
I
used
to
come
on
things
out
collecting
,
you
’
d
be
surprised
the
things
couples
get
up
to
in
places
you
think
they
would
know
better
than
to
do
it
in
,
so
I
had
that
too
.
Of
course
the
business
with
the
woman
upset
me
though
,
on
top
of
all
the
other
things
.
For
instance
,
Aunt
Annie
had
set
her
heart
on
going
on
a
sea
-
cruise
to
Australia
to
see
her
son
Bob
and
Uncle
Steve
her
other
younger
brother
and
his
family
,
and
she
wanted
me
to
go
too
,
but
like
I
say
I
didn
’
t
want
to
be
any
more
with
Aunt
Annie
and
Mabel
.
It
was
not
that
I
hated
them
,
but
you
could
see
what
they
were
at
once
,
even
more
than
me
.
What
they
were
was
obvious
;
I
mean
small
people
who
’
d
never
left
home
.
For
instance
,
they
always
expected
me
to
do
everything
with
them
and
tell
them
what
I
’
d
done
if
by
any
chance
I
had
an
hour
off
on
my
own
.
The
day
after
the
above
-
mentioned
I
told
them
flat
I
wasn
’
t
going
to
Australia
.
They
took
it
not
too
bad
,
I
suppose
they
had
time
to
reckon
it
was
my
money
after
all
.
The
first
time
I
went
to
look
for
Miranda
it
was
a
few
days
after
I
went
down
to
Southampton
to
see
off
Aunt
Annie
;
May
loth
,
to
be
exact
.
I
was
back
in
London
.
I
hadn
’
t
got
any
real
plan
,
and
I
told
Aunt
Annie
and
Mabel
I
might
go
abroad
,
but
I
didn
’
t
truly
know
.
Aunt
Annie
was
scared
,
really
,
the
night
before
they
went
she
had
a
solemn
talk
with
me
about
how
I
wasn
’
t
to
marry
,
she
hoped
—
that
is
,
without
her
meeting
the
bride
.
She
said
a
lot
about
it
being
my
money
and
my
life
and
how
generous
I
was
and
all
that
,
but
I
could
see
she
was
really
scared
I
might
marry
some
girl
and
they
’
d
lose
all
the
money
they
were
so
ashamed
of
,
anyway
.
I
don
’
t
blame
her
,
it
was
natural
,
especially
with
a
daughter
who
’
s
a
cripple
.
I
think
people
like
Mabel
should
be
put
out
painlessly
,
but
that
’
s
beside
the
point
.
