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- Джон Фоулз
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November
22nd
I
am
ashamed
.
I
let
myself
down
vilely
.
I
’
ve
come
to
a
series
of
decisions
.
Thoughts
.
Violence
and
force
are
wrong
.
If
I
use
violence
I
descend
to
his
level
.
It
means
that
I
have
no
real
belief
in
the
power
of
reason
,
and
sympathy
and
humanity
.
That
I
lameduck
people
only
because
it
flatters
me
,
not
because
I
believe
they
need
my
sympathy
.
I
’
ve
been
thinking
back
to
Ladymont
,
to
people
I
lameducked
there
.
Sally
Margison
.
I
lameducked
her
just
to
show
the
Vestal
Virgins
that
I
was
cleverer
than
they
.
That
I
could
get
her
to
do
things
for
me
that
she
wouldn
’
t
do
for
them
.
Donald
and
Piers
(
because
I
’
ve
lameducked
him
in
a
sense
,
too
)
—
but
they
’
re
both
attractive
young
men
.
There
were
probably
hundreds
of
other
people
who
needed
lameducking
,
my
sympathy
,
far
more
than
those
two
.
And
anyway
,
most
girls
would
have
jumped
at
the
chance
of
lameducking
them
.
I
’
ve
given
up
too
soon
with
Caliban
.
I
’
ve
got
to
take
up
a
new
attitude
with
him
.
The
prisoner
-
warder
idea
was
silly
.
I
won
’
t
spit
at
him
any
more
.
I
’
ll
be
silent
when
he
irritates
me
.
I
’
ll
treat
him
as
someone
who
needs
all
my
sympathy
and
understanding
.
I
’
ll
go
on
trying
to
teach
him
things
about
art
.
Other
things
.
There
’
s
only
one
way
to
do
things
.
The
right
way
.
Not
what
they
meant
by
"
the
Right
Way
"
at
Ladymont
.
But
the
way
you
feel
is
right
.
My
own
right
way
.
I
am
a
moral
person
.
I
am
not
ashamed
of
being
moral
.
I
will
not
let
Caliban
make
me
immoral
;
even
though
he
deserves
all
my
hatred
and
bitterness
and
an
axe
in
his
head
.
(
Later
.
)
I
’
ve
been
nice
to
him
.
That
is
,
not
the
cat
I
’
ve
been
lately
.
As
soon
as
he
came
in
I
made
him
let
me
look
at
his
head
,
and
I
dabbed
some
Dettol
on
it
.
He
was
nervous
.
I
make
him
jumpy
.
He
doesn
’
t
trust
me
.
That
is
precisely
the
state
I
shouldn
’
t
have
got
him
into
.
