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- Джон Фоулз
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I
think
about
G
.
P
.
holding
me
and
caressing
me
.
There
’
s
a
sort
of
nasty
perverted
curiosity
in
me
—
I
mean
,
all
the
women
he
’
s
had
and
all
the
things
he
must
know
about
being
in
bed
.
I
can
imagine
his
making
love
to
me
and
it
doesn
’
t
disgust
me
.
Very
expert
and
gentle
.
Fun
.
All
sorts
of
things
,
but
not
the
thing
.
If
it
’
s
to
be
for
life
.
Then
there
’
s
his
weakness
.
The
feeling
that
he
would
probably
betray
me
.
And
I
’
ve
always
thought
of
marriage
as
a
sort
of
young
adventure
,
two
people
of
the
same
age
setting
out
together
,
discovering
together
,
growing
together
.
But
I
would
have
nothing
to
tell
him
,
nothing
to
show
him
.
All
the
helping
would
be
on
his
side
.
I
’
ve
seen
so
little
of
the
world
.
I
know
that
G
.
P
.
in
many
ways
represents
a
sort
of
ideal
now
.
His
sense
of
what
counts
,
his
independence
,
his
refusal
to
do
what
the
others
do
.
His
standing
apart
.
It
has
to
be
someone
with
those
qualities
.
And
no
one
else
I
’
ve
met
has
them
as
he
has
.
People
at
the
Slade
seem
to
have
them
—
but
they
’
re
so
young
.
It
’
s
easy
to
be
frank
and
to
hell
with
convention
when
you
’
re
our
age
.
Once
or
twice
I
’
ve
wondered
whether
it
wasn
’
t
all
a
trap
.
Like
a
sacrifice
in
chess
.
Supposing
I
had
said
on
the
stairs
,
do
what
you
like
with
me
,
but
don
’
t
send
me
away
?
No
,
I
won
’
t
believe
that
of
him
.
Time
-
lag
.
Two
years
ago
I
couldn
’
t
have
dreamed
of
falling
in
love
with
an
older
man
.
I
was
always
the
one
who
argued
for
equal
ages
at
Ladymont
.
I
remember
being
one
of
the
most
disgusted
when
Susan
Grillet
married
a
Beastly
Baronet
nearly
three
times
her
age
.
Minny
and
I
used
to
talk
about
guarding
against
being
"
father
"
types
(
because
of
M
)
and
marrying
father
-
husbands
.
I
don
’
t
feel
that
any
more
.
I
think
I
need
a
man
older
than
myself
because
I
always
seem
to
see
through
the
boys
I
meet
.
And
I
don
’
t
feel
G
.
P
.
is
a
father
-
husband
.
