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For
ten
long
years
I
roved
about
,
living
first
in
one
capital
,
then
another
:
sometimes
in
St.
Petersburg
;
oftener
in
Paris
;
occasionally
in
Rome
,
Naples
,
and
Florence
.
Provided
with
plenty
of
money
and
the
passport
of
an
old
name
,
I
could
choose
my
own
society
:
no
circles
were
closed
against
me
.
I
sought
my
ideal
of
a
woman
amongst
English
ladies
,
French
countesses
,
Italian
signoras
,
and
German
grafinnen
.
I
could
not
find
her
.
Sometimes
,
for
a
fleeting
moment
,
I
thought
I
caught
a
glance
,
heard
a
tone
,
beheld
a
form
,
which
announced
the
realisation
of
my
dream
:
but
I
was
presently
undeserved
.
You
are
not
to
suppose
that
I
desired
perfection
,
either
of
mind
or
person
.
I
longed
only
for
what
suited
me
--
for
the
antipodes
of
the
Creole
:
and
I
longed
vainly
.
Amongst
them
all
I
found
not
one
whom
,
had
I
been
ever
so
free
,
I
--
warned
as
I
was
of
the
risks
,
the
horrors
,
the
loathings
of
incongruous
unions
--
would
have
asked
to
marry
me
.
Disappointment
made
me
reckless
.
I
tried
dissipation
--
never
debauchery
:
that
I
hated
,
and
hate
.
That
was
my
Indian
Messalina
's
attribute
:
rooted
disgust
at
it
and
her
restrained
me
much
,
even
in
pleasure
.
Any
enjoyment
that
bordered
on
riot
seemed
to
approach
me
to
her
and
her
vices
,
and
I
eschewed
it
.
"
Yet
I
could
not
live
alone
;
so
I
tried
the
companionship
of
mistresses
.
The
first
I
chose
was
Celine
Varens
--
another
of
those
steps
which
make
a
man
spurn
himself
when
he
recalls
them
.
You
already
know
what
she
was
,
and
how
my
liaison
with
her
terminated
.
She
had
two
successors
:
an
Italian
,
Giacinta
,
and
a
German
,
Clara
;
both
considered
singularly
handsome
.
What
was
their
beauty
to
me
in
a
few
weeks
?
Giacinta
was
unprincipled
and
violent
:
I
tired
of
her
in
three
months
.
Clara
was
honest
and
quiet
;
but
heavy
,
mindless
,
and
unimpressible
:
not
one
whit
to
my
taste
.
I
was
glad
to
give
her
a
sufficient
sum
to
set
her
up
in
a
good
line
of
business
,
and
so
get
decently
rid
of
her
.
But
,
Jane
,
I
see
by
your
face
you
are
not
forming
a
very
favourable
opinion
of
me
just
now
.
You
think
me
an
unfeeling
,
loose-principled
rake
:
do
n't
you
?
"
"
I
do
n't
like
you
so
well
as
I
have
done
sometimes
,
indeed
,
sir
.
Did
it
not
seem
to
you
in
the
least
wrong
to
live
in
that
way
,
first
with
one
mistress
and
then
another
?
You
talk
of
it
as
a
mere
matter
of
course
.
"
"
It
was
with
me
;
and
I
did
not
like
it
.
It
was
a
grovelling
fashion
of
existence
:
I
should
never
like
to
return
to
it
.
Hiring
a
mistress
is
the
next
worse
thing
to
buying
a
slave
:
both
are
often
by
nature
,
and
always
by
position
,
inferior
:
and
to
live
familiarly
with
inferiors
is
degrading
.
I
now
hate
the
recollection
of
the
time
I
passed
with
Celine
,
Giacinta
,
and
Clara
.
"
I
felt
the
truth
of
these
words
;
and
I
drew
from
them
the
certain
inference
,
that
if
I
were
so
far
to
forget
myself
and
all
the
teaching
that
had
ever
been
instilled
into
me
,
as
--
under
any
pretext
--
with
any
justification
--
through
any
temptation
--
to
become
the
successor
of
these
poor
girls
,
he
would
one
day
regard
me
with
the
same
feeling
which
now
in
his
mind
desecrated
their
memory
.
I
did
not
give
utterance
to
this
conviction
:
it
was
enough
to
feel
it
.
I
impressed
it
on
my
heart
,
that
it
might
remain
there
to
serve
me
as
aid
in
the
time
of
trial
.
"
Now
,
Jane
,
why
do
n't
you
say
'
Well
,
sir
?
'
I
have
not
done
.
You
are
looking
grave
.
You
disapprove
of
me
still
,
I
see
.
But
let
me
come
to
the
point
.
Last
January
,
rid
of
all
mistresses
--
in
a
harsh
,
bitter
frame
of
mind
,
the
result
of
a
useless
,
roving
,
lonely
life
--
corroded
with
disappointment
,
sourly
disposed
against
all
men
,
and
especially
against
all
womankind
(
for
I
began
to
regard
the
notion
of
an
intellectual
,
faithful
,
loving
woman
as
a
mere
dream
)
,
recalled
by
business
,
I
came
back
to
England
.
"
On
a
frosty
winter
afternoon
,
I
rode
in
sight
of
Thornfield
Hall
.
Abhorred
spot
!
I
expected
no
peace
--
no
pleasure
there
.
On
a
stile
in
Hay
Lane
I
saw
a
quiet
little
figure
sitting
by
itself
.
I
passed
it
as
negligently
as
I
did
the
pollard
willow
opposite
to
it
:
I
had
no
presentiment
of
what
it
would
be
to
me
;
no
inward
warning
that
the
arbitress
of
my
life
--
my
genius
for
good
or
evil
--
waited
there
in
humble
guise
.
I
did
not
know
it
,
even
when
,
on
the
occasion
of
Mesrour
's
accident
,
it
came
up
and
gravely
offered
me
help
.
Childish
and
slender
creature
!
It
seemed
as
if
a
linnet
had
hopped
to
my
foot
and
proposed
to
bear
me
on
its
tiny
wing
.
I
was
surly
;
but
the
thing
would
not
go
:
it
stood
by
me
with
strange
perseverance
,
and
looked
and
spoke
with
a
sort
of
authority
.
I
must
be
aided
,
and
by
that
hand
:
and
aided
I
was
.
"
When
once
I
had
pressed
the
frail
shoulder
,
something
new
--
a
fresh
sap
and
sense
--
stole
into
my
frame
.
It
was
well
I
had
learnt
that
this
elf
must
return
to
me
--
that
it
belonged
to
my
house
down
below
--
or
I
could
not
have
felt
it
pass
away
from
under
my
hand
,
and
seen
it
vanish
behind
the
dim
hedge
,
without
singular
regret
.
I
heard
you
come
home
that
night
,
Jane
,
though
probably
you
were
not
aware
that
I
thought
of
you
or
watched
for
you
.
The
next
day
I
observed
you
--
myself
unseen
--
for
half-an-hour
,
while
you
played
with
Adele
in
the
gallery
.
It
was
a
snowy
day
,
I
recollect
,
and
you
could
not
go
out
of
doors
.
I
was
in
my
room
;
the
door
was
ajar
:
I
could
both
listen
and
watch
.
Adele
claimed
your
outward
attention
for
a
while
;
yet
I
fancied
your
thoughts
were
elsewhere
:
but
you
were
very
patient
with
her
,
my
little
Jane
;
you
talked
to
her
and
amused
her
a
long
time
.
When
at
last
she
left
you
,
you
lapsed
at
once
into
deep
reverie
:
you
betook
yourself
slowly
to
pace
the
gallery
.
Now
and
then
,
in
passing
a
casement
,
you
glanced
out
at
the
thick-falling
snow
;
you
listened
to
the
sobbing
wind
,
and
again
you
paced
gently
on
and
dreamed
.
I
think
those
day
visions
were
not
dark
:
there
was
a
pleasurable
illumination
in
your
eye
occasionally
,
a
soft
excitement
in
your
aspect
,
which
told
of
no
bitter
,
bilious
,
hypochondriac
brooding
:
your
look
revealed
rather
the
sweet
musings
of
youth
when
its
spirit
follows
on
willing
wings
the
flight
of
Hope
up
and
on
to
an
ideal
heaven
.
