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- Мари Корелли
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- Стр. 191/279
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I
can
not
now
trace
the
slow
or
swift
flitting
by
of
phantasmal
events
,
...
wild
ghosts
of
days
or
weeks
that
drifted
past
,
and
brought
me
gradually
and
finally
to
a
time
when
I
found
myself
wandering
,
numb
and
stricken
and
sick
at
heart
,
by
the
shores
of
a
lake
in
Switzerland
--
a
small
lake
,
densely
blue
,
with
apparently
a
thought
in
its
depths
such
as
is
reflected
in
a
child
's
earnest
eye
.
I
gazed
down
at
the
clear
and
glistening
water
almost
unseeingly
--
the
snow-peaked
mountains
surrounding
it
were
too
high
for
the
lifting
of
my
aching
sight
--
loftiness
,
purity
,
and
radiance
were
unbearable
to
my
mind
,
crushed
as
it
was
beneath
a
weight
of
dismal
wreckage
and
ruin
.
What
a
fool
was
I
ever
to
have
believed
that
in
this
world
there
could
be
such
a
thing
as
happiness
!
Misery
stared
me
in
the
face
--
life-long
misery
--
and
no
escape
but
death
.
Misery
!
--
it
was
the
word
which
like
a
hellish
groan
,
had
been
uttered
by
the
three
dreadful
phantoms
that
had
once
,
in
an
evil
vision
,
disturbed
my
rest
.
What
had
I
done
,
I
demanded
indignantly
of
myself
,
to
deserve
this
wretchedness
which
no
wealth
could
cure
?
--
why
was
fate
so
unjust
?
Like
all
my
kind
,
I
was
unable
to
discern
the
small
yet
strong
links
of
the
chain
I
had
myself
wrought
,
and
which
bound
me
to
my
own
undoing
--
I
blamed
fate
,
or
rather
God
--
and
talked
of
injustice
,
merely
because
I
personally
suffered
,
never
realizing
that
what
I
considered
unjust
was
but
the
equitable
measuring
forth
of
that
Eternal
Law
which
is
carried
out
with
as
mathematical
an
exactitude
as
the
movement
of
the
planets
,
notwithstanding
man
's
pigmy
efforts
to
impede
its
fulfilment
.
The
light
wind
blowing
down
from
the
snow
peaks
above
me
ruffled
the
placidity
of
the
little
lake
by
which
I
aimlessly
strolled
--
I
watched
the
tiny
ripples
break
over
its
surface
like
the
lines
of
laughter
on
a
human
face
,
and
wondered
morosely
whether
it
was
deep
enough
to
drown
in
!
For
what
was
the
use
of
living
on
--
knowing
what
I
knew
!
Knowing
that
she
whom
I
had
loved
,
and
whom
I
loved
still
in
a
way
that
was
hateful
to
myself
,
was
a
thing
viler
and
more
shameless
in
character
than
the
veriest
poor
drab
of
the
street
who
sells
herself
for
current
coin
--
that
the
lovely
body
and
angel-face
were
but
an
attractive
disguise
for
the
soul
of
a
harpy
--
a
vulture
of
vice
,
...
my
God
!
--
an
irrepressible
cry
escaped
me
as
my
thoughts
went
on
and
on
in
the
never-ending
circle
and
problem
of
incurable
,
unspeakable
despair
--
and
I
threw
myself
down
on
a
shelving
bank
of
grass
that
sloped
towards
the
lake
and
covered
my
face
in
a
paroxysm
of
tearless
agony
.
Still
inexorable
thought
worked
in
my
brain
,
and
forced
me
to
consider
my
position
.
Was
she
--
was
Sibyl
--
more
to
blame
than
I
myself
for
all
the
strange
havoc
wrought
?
I
had
married
her
of
my
own
free
will
and
choice
--
and
she
had
told
me
beforehand
--
"
I
am
a
contaminated
creature
,
trained
to
perfection
in
the
lax
morals
and
prurient
literature
of
my
day
.
"
Well
--
and
so
it
had
proved
!
My
own
blood
burned
with
shame
as
I
reflected
how
ample
and
convincing
were
the
proofs
!
--
and
,
starting
up
from
my
recumbent
posture
I
paced
up
and
down
again
restlessly
in
a
fever
of
self-contempt
and
disgust
.
What
could
I
do
with
a
woman
such
as
she
to
whom
I
was
now
bound
for
life
?
Reform
her
?
She
would
laugh
me
to
scorn
for
the
attempt
.
Reform
myself
?
She
would
sneer
at
me
for
an
effeminate
milksop
.
Besides
,
was
not
I
as
willing
to
be
degraded
as
she
was
to
degrade
me
?
--
a
very
victim
to
my
brute
passions
?
Tortured
and
maddened
by
my
feelings
I
roamed
about
wildly
,
and
started
as
if
a
pistol-shot
had
been
fired
near
me
when
the
plash
of
oars
sounded
on
the
silence
and
the
keel
of
a
small
boat
grated
on
the
shore
,
the
boatman
within
it
respectfully
begging
me
in
mellifluous
French
to
employ
him
for
an
hour
.
I
assented
,
and
in
a
minute
or
two
was
out
on
the
lake
in
the
middle
of
the
red
glow
of
sunset
which
turned
the
snow-summits
to
points
of
flame
,
and
the
waters
to
the
hue
of
ruby
wine
.
I
think
the
man
who
rowed
me
saw
that
I
was
in
no
very
pleasant
humour
,
for
he
preserved
a
discreet
silence
--
and
I
,
pulling
my
hat
partly
over
my
eyes
,
lay
back
in
the
stern
,
still
busy
with
my
wretched
musings
.
Only
a
month
married
!
--
and
yet
--
a
sickening
satiety
had
taken
the
place
of
the
so-called
'
deathless
'
lover
's
passion
.
There
were
moments
even
,
when
my
wife
's
matchless
physical
beauty
appeared
hideous
to
me
.
I
knew
her
as
she
was
--
and
no
exterior
charm
could
ever
again
cover
for
me
the
revolting
nature
within
.
And
what
puzzled
me
from
dawn
to
dusk
was
her
polished
,
specious
hypocrisy
--
her
amazing
aptitude
for
lies
!
To
look
at
her
--
to
hear
her
speak
--
one
would
have
deemed
her
a
very
saint
of
purity
--
a
delicate
creature
whom
a
coarse
word
would
startle
and
offend
--
a
very
incarnation
of
the
sweetest
and
most
gracious
womanhood
--
all
heart
and
feeling
and
sympathy
.
Everyone
thought
thus
of
her
--
and
never
was
there
a
greater
error
.
Heart
she
had
none
;
that
fact
was
borne
in
upon
me
two
days
after
our
marriage
while
we
were
in
Paris
,
for
there
a
telegram
reached
us
announcing
her
mother
's
death
.
The
paralysed
Countess
of
Elton
had
,
it
appeared
,
expired
suddenly
on
our
wedding-day
,
or
rather
our
wedding
night
--
but
the
Earl
had
deemed
it
best
to
wait
forty-eight
hours
before
interrupting
our
hymeneal
happiness
with
the
melancholy
tidings
.
He
followed
his
telegram
by
a
brief
letter
to
his
daughter
,
in
which
the
concluding
lines
were
these
--
"
As
you
are
a
bride
and
are
travelling
abroad
,
I
should
advise
you
by
no
means
to
go
into
mourning
.
Under
the
circumstances
it
is
really
not
necessary
.
"
And
Sibyl
had
readily
accepted
his
suggestion
,
keeping
generally
however
to
white
and
pale
mauve
colourings
in
her
numerous
and
wonderful
toilettes
,
in
order
not
to
outrage
the
proprieties
too
openly
in
the
opinions
of
persons
known
to
her
,
whom
she
might
possibly
meet
casually
in
the
foreign
towns
we
visited
.
No
word
of
regret
passed
her
lips
,
and
no
tears
were
shed
for
her
mother
's
loss
.
She
only
said
,
"
What
a
good
thing
her
sufferings
are
over
!
"
Then
,
with
a
little
sarcastic
smile
,
she
had
added
--
"
I
wonder
when
we
shall
receive
the
Elton-Chesney
wedding
cards
!
"
