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"
Why
not
?
I
'm
tired
of
living
,
Ralph
,
and
I
'm
going
to
stop
.
"
Her
hard
eyes
mocked
.
"
Do
you
doubt
me
?
For
over
seventy
years
I
've
done
precisely
what
I
wanted
to
do
when
I
wanted
to
do
it
,
so
if
Death
thinks
he
's
the
one
to
choose
the
time
of
my
going
,
he
's
very
much
mistaken
.
I
'll
die
when
I
choose
the
time
,
and
no
suicide
,
either
.
It
's
our
will
to
live
keeps
us
kicking
,
Ralph
;
it
is
n't
hard
to
stop
if
we
really
want
to
.
I
'm
tired
,
and
I
want
to
stop
.
Very
simple
.
"
He
was
tired
,
too
;
not
of
living
,
exactly
,
but
of
the
endless
façade
,
the
climate
,
the
lack
of
friends
with
common
interests
,
himself
.
The
room
was
only
faintly
lit
by
a
tall
kerosene
lamp
of
priceless
ruby
glass
,
and
it
cast
transparent
crimson
shadows
on
Mary
Carson
's
face
,
conjuring
out
of
her
intractable
bones
something
more
diabolical
.
His
feet
and
back
ached
;
it
was
a
long
time
since
he
had
danced
so
much
,
though
he
prided
himself
on
keeping
up
with
whatever
was
the
latest
fad
.
Thirty-five
years
of
age
,
a
country
monsignor
,
and
as
a
power
in
the
Church
?
Finished
before
he
had
begun
.
Oh
,
the
dreams
of
youth
!
And
the
carelessness
of
youth
's
tongue
,
the
hotness
of
youth
's
temper
.
He
had
not
been
strong
enough
to
meet
the
test
.
But
he
would
never
make
that
mistake
again
.
Never
,
never
...
He
moved
restlessly
,
sighed
;
what
was
the
use
?
The
chance
would
not
come
again
.
Time
he
faced
that
fact
squarely
,
time
he
stopped
hoping
and
dreaming
.
"
Do
you
remember
my
saying
,
Ralph
,
that
I
'd
beat
you
,
that
I
'd
hoist
you
with
your
own
petard
?
"
The
dry
old
voice
snapped
him
out
of
the
reverie
his
weariness
had
induced
.
He
looked
across
at
Mary
Carson
and
smiled
.
"
Dear
Mary
,
I
never
forget
anything
you
say
.
What
I
would
have
done
without
you
these
past
seven
years
I
do
n't
know
.
Your
wit
,
your
malice
,
your
perception
...
"
"
If
I
'd
been
younger
I
'd
have
got
you
in
a
different
way
,
Ralph
.
You
'll
never
know
how
I
've
longed
to
throw
thirty
years
of
my
life
out
the
window
.
If
the
Devil
had
come
to
me
and
offered
to
buy
my
soul
for
the
chance
to
be
young
again
,
I
'd
have
sold
it
in
a
second
,
and
not
stupidly
regretted
the
bargain
like
that
old
idiot
Faust
.
But
no
Devil
.
I
really
ca
n't
bring
myself
to
believe
in
God
or
the
Devil
,
you
know
.
I
've
never
seen
a
scrap
of
evidence
to
the
effect
they
exist
.
Have
you
?
"
"
No
.
But
belief
does
n't
rest
on
proof
of
existence
,
Mary
.
It
rests
on
faith
,
and
faith
is
the
touchstone
of
the
Church
.
Without
faith
,
there
is
nothing
.
"
"
A
very
ephemeral
tenet
.
"
