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More
I
did
n't
say
I
crushed
her
in
my
arms
,
stepped
back
,
rushed
to
the
door
,
and
went
out
backwards
.
She
remained
in
there
behind
me
.
Winter
had
set
in
--
a
raw
,
wet
winter
,
almost
without
snow
.
A
foggy
,
dark
,
and
everlasting
night
,
without
a
single
blast
of
fresh
wind
the
whole
week
through
.
The
gas
was
lighted
almost
all
the
day
in
the
streets
,
and
yet
people
jostled
one
another
in
the
fog
.
Every
sound
,
the
clang
of
the
church
bells
,
the
jingling
of
the
harness
of
the
droske
horses
,
the
people
's
voices
,
the
beat
of
the
hoofs
,
everything
,
sounded
choked
and
jangling
through
the
close
air
,
that
penetrated
and
muffled
everything
.
Week
followed
week
,
and
the
weather
was
,
and
remained
,
still
the
same
.
And
I
stayed
steadily
down
in
Vaterland
.
I
grew
more
and
more
closely
bound
to
this
inn
,
this
lodging-house
for
travellers
,
where
I
had
found
shelter
,
in
spite
of
my
starving
condition
.
My
money
was
exhausted
long
since
;
and
yet
I
continued
to
come
and
go
in
this
place
as
if
I
had
a
right
to
it
,
and
was
at
home
there
.
The
landlady
had
,
as
yet
,
said
nothing
;
but
it
worried
me
all
the
same
that
I
could
not
pay
her
.
In
this
way
three
weeks
went
by
.
I
had
already
,
many
days
ago
,
taken
to
writing
again
;
but
I
could
not
succeed
in
putting
anything
together
that
satisfied
me
.
I
had
not
longer
any
luck
,
although
I
was
very
painstaking
,
and
strove
early
and
late
;
no
matter
what
I
attempted
,
it
was
useless
.
Good
fortune
had
flown
;
and
I
exerted
myself
in
vain
.
It
was
in
a
room
on
the
second
floor
,
the
best
guest-room
,
that
I
sat
and
made
these
attempts
.
I
had
been
undisturbed
up
there
since
the
first
evening
when
I
had
money
and
was
able
to
settle
for
what
I
got
.
All
the
time
I
was
buoyed
up
by
the
hope
of
at
last
succeeding
in
getting
together
an
article
on
some
subject
or
another
,
so
that
I
could
pay
for
my
room
,
and
for
whatever
else
I
owed
.
That
was
the
reason
I
worked
on
so
persistently
.
I
had
,
in
particular
,
commenced
a
piece
from
which
I
expected
great
things
--
an
allegory
about
a
fire
--
a
profound
thought
upon
which
I
intended
to
expend
all
my
energy
,
and
bring
it
to
the
"
Commandor
"
in
payment
.
The
"
Commandor
"
should
see
that
he
had
helped
a
talent
this
time
.
I
had
no
doubt
but
that
he
would
eventually
see
that
;
it
only
was
a
matter
of
waiting
till
the
spirit
moved
me
;
and
why
should
n't
the
spirit
move
me
?
Why
should
it
not
come
over
me
even
now
,
at
a
very
early
date
?
There
was
no
longer
anything
the
matter
with
me
.
My
landlady
gave
me
a
little
food
every
day
,
some
bread
and
butter
,
mornings
and
evenings
,
and
my
nervousness
had
almost
flown
.
I
no
longer
used
cloths
round
my
hands
when
I
wrote
;
and
I
could
stare
down
into
the
street
from
my
window
on
the
second
floor
without
getting
giddy
.
I
was
much
better
in
every
way
,
and
it
was
becoming
a
matter
of
astonishment
to
me
that
I
had
not
already
finished
my
allegory
.
I
could
n't
understand
why
it
was
...
.
But
a
day
came
when
I
was
at
last
to
get
a
clear
idea
of
how
weak
I
had
really
become
;
with
what
incapacity
my
dull
brain
acted
.
Namely
,
on
this
day
my
landlady
came
up
to
me
with
a
reckoning
which
she
asked
me
to
look
over
.
There
must
be
something
wrong
in
this
reckoning
,
she
said
;
it
did
n't
agree
with
her
own
book
;
but
she
had
not
been
able
to
find
out
the
mistake
.
I
set
to
work
to
add
up
.
My
landlady
sat
right
opposite
and
looked
at
me
.
I
added
up
these
score
of
figures
first
once
down
,
and
found
the
total
right
;
then
once
up
again
,
and
arrived
at
the
same
result
.
I
looked
at
the
woman
sitting
opposite
me
,
waiting
on
my
words
.
I
noticed
at
the
same
time
that
she
was
pregnant
;
it
did
not
escape
my
attention
,
and
yet
I
did
not
stare
in
any
way
scrutinizingly
at
her
.
