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All
day
long
,
I
’
ve
been
imagining
Adam
’
s
arrival
,
and
in
my
fantasy
,
I
rush
to
greet
him
,
even
though
he
can
’
t
see
me
and
even
though
,
from
what
I
can
tell
so
far
,
it
’
s
nothing
like
that
movie
Ghost
,
where
you
can
walk
through
your
loved
ones
so
that
they
feel
your
presence
.
But
now
that
Adam
is
here
,
I
’
m
paralyzed
.
I
’
m
scared
to
see
him
.
To
see
his
face
.
I
’
ve
seen
Adam
cry
twice
.
Once
when
we
watched
It
’
s
a
Wonderful
Life
.
And
another
time
when
we
were
in
the
train
station
in
Seattle
and
we
saw
a
mother
yelling
and
swatting
her
son
who
had
Down
syndrome
.
He
just
got
quiet
and
it
was
only
when
we
were
walking
away
that
I
saw
the
tears
rolling
down
his
cheeks
.
And
it
damn
near
tore
my
heart
out
.
If
he
is
crying
,
it
will
kill
me
.
Forget
this
my
choice
business
.
That
alone
will
do
me
in
.
I
’
m
such
a
chickenshit
.
I
look
at
the
clock
on
the
wall
.
It
’
s
past
seven
now
.
Shooting
Star
will
not
be
opening
for
Bikini
after
all
.
Which
is
a
shame
.
It
was
a
huge
break
for
them
.
For
a
second
,
I
wonder
if
the
rest
of
the
band
will
go
on
without
Adam
.
I
highly
doubt
it
,
though
.
It
’
s
not
just
that
he
is
the
lead
singer
and
the
lead
guitar
player
.
The
band
has
this
kind
of
code
.
Loyalty
to
feelings
is
important
.
Last
summer
,
when
Liz
and
Sarah
broke
up
(
for
what
turned
out
to
be
all
of
a
month
)
and
Liz
was
too
distraught
to
play
,
they
canceled
their
five
-
night
tour
,
even
though
this
guy
Gordon
who
plays
drums
in
another
band
offered
to
sub
for
her
.
I
watch
Adam
make
his
way
to
the
hospital
’
s
main
entrance
,
Kim
trailing
behind
him
.
Just
before
he
comes
to
the
covered
awning
and
the
automatic
doors
,
he
looks
up
into
the
sky
.
He
is
waiting
for
Kim
but
I
also
like
to
think
he
’
s
looking
for
me
.
His
face
,
illuminated
by
the
lights
,
is
blank
,
like
someone
vacuumed
away
all
his
personality
,
leaving
only
a
mask
.
He
doesn
’
t
look
like
him
.
But
at
least
he
’
s
not
crying
.
That
gives
me
the
guts
to
go
to
him
now
.
Or
rather
to
me
,
to
the
ICU
,
which
is
where
I
know
he
will
want
to
go
.
Adam
knows
Gran
and
Gramps
and
the
cousins
,
and
I
imagine
he
’
ll
join
the
waiting
-
room
vigil
later
.
But
right
now
he
’
s
here
for
me
.
Back
in
the
ICU
time
stands
still
as
always
.
One
of
the
surgeons
who
worked
on
me
earlier
—
the
one
who
sweated
a
lot
and
,
when
it
was
his
turn
to
pick
the
music
,
blasted
Weezer
—
is
checking
in
on
me
.
The
light
is
dim
and
artificial
and
kept
to
the
same
level
all
the
time
,
but
even
so
,
the
circadian
rhythms
win
out
and
a
nighttime
hush
has
fallen
over
the
place
.
It
is
less
frenetic
than
it
was
during
the
day
,
like
the
nurses
and
machines
are
all
a
little
tired
and
have
reverted
to
power
-
save
mode
.
