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And
then
I
remember
a
story
my
friend
Deborah
the
psychologist
told
me
once
.
Back
in
the
1980s
,
she
was
asked
by
the
city
of
Philadelphia
if
she
could
volunteer
to
offer
psychological
counseling
to
a
group
of
Cambodian
refugees
-
boat
people
-
who
had
recently
arrived
in
the
city
.
Deborah
is
an
exceptional
psychologist
,
but
she
was
terribly
daunted
by
this
task
.
These
Cambodians
had
suffered
the
worst
of
what
humans
can
inflict
on
each
other
-
genocide
,
rape
,
torture
,
starvation
,
the
murder
of
their
relatives
before
their
eyes
,
then
long
years
in
refugee
camps
and
dangerous
boat
trips
to
the
West
where
people
died
and
corpses
were
fed
to
sharks
-
what
could
Deborah
offer
these
people
in
terms
of
help
?
How
could
she
possibly
relate
to
their
suffering
?
"
But
don
’
t
you
know
,
"
Deborah
reported
to
me
,
"
what
all
these
people
wanted
to
talk
about
,
once
they
could
see
a
counselor
?
"
It
was
all
:
I
met
this
guy
when
I
was
living
in
the
refugee
camp
,
and
we
fell
in
love
.
I
thought
he
really
loved
me
,
but
then
we
were
separated
on
different
boats
,
and
he
took
up
with
my
cousin
.
Now
he
’
s
married
to
her
,
but
he
says
he
really
loves
me
,
and
he
keeps
calling
me
,
and
I
know
I
should
tell
him
to
go
away
,
but
I
still
love
him
and
I
can
’
t
stop
thinking
about
him
.
And
I
don
’
t
know
what
to
do
…
This
is
what
we
are
like
.
Collectively
,
as
a
species
,
this
is
our
emotional
landscape
.
I
met
an
old
lady
once
,
almost
one
hundred
years
old
,
and
she
told
me
,
"
There
are
only
two
questions
that
human
beings
have
ever
fought
over
,
all
through
history
.
How
much
do
you
love
me
?
And
Who
’
s
in
charge
?
"
Everything
else
is
somehow
manageable
.
But
these
two
questions
of
love
and
control
undo
us
all
,
trip
us
up
and
cause
war
,
grief
and
suffering
.
And
both
of
them
,
unfortunately
(
or
maybe
obviously
)
,
are
what
I
’
m
dealing
with
at
this
Ashram
.
When
I
sit
in
my
silence
and
look
at
my
mind
,
it
is
only
questions
of
longing
and
control
that
emerge
to
agitate
me
,
and
this
agitation
is
what
keeps
me
from
evolving
forward
.
When
I
tried
this
morning
,
after
an
hour
or
so
of
unhappy
thinking
,
to
dip
back
into
my
meditation
,
I
took
a
new
idea
with
me
:
compassion
.
I
asked
my
heart
if
it
could
please
infuse
my
soul
with
a
more
generous
perspective
on
my
mind
’
s
workings
.
Instead
of
thinking
that
I
was
a
failure
,
could
I
perhaps
accept
that
I
am
only
a
human
being
-
and
a
normal
one
,
at
that
?
The
thoughts
came
up
as
usual
-
OK
,
so
it
will
be
-
and
then
the
attendant
emotions
rose
,
too
.
I
began
feeling
frustrated
and
judgmental
about
myself
,
lonely
and
angry
.
But
then
a
fierce
response
boiled
up
from
somewhere
in
the
deepest
caverns
of
my
heart
,
and
I
told
myself
,
"
I
will
not
judge
you
for
these
thoughts
.
"
My
mind
tried
to
protest
,
said
,
"
Yeah
,
but
you
’
re
such
a
failure
,
you
’
re
such
a
loser
,
you
’
ll
never
amount
to
anything
-
"
But
suddenly
it
was
like
a
lion
was
roaring
from
within
my
chest
,
drowning
all
this
claptrap
out
.
A
voice
bellowed
in
me
like
nothing
I
had
ever
heard
before
.
It
was
so
internally
,
eternally
loud
that
I
actually
clamped
my
hand
over
my
mouth
because
I
was
afraid
that
if
I
opened
my
mouth
and
let
this
sound
out
,
it
would
shake
the
foundations
of
buildings
as
far
away
as
Detroit
.
And
this
is
what
it
roared
:
YOU
HAVE
NO
IDEA
HOW
STRONG
MY
LOVE
IS
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
