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Go
back
to
bed
,
Liz
.
In
a
way
,
this
little
episode
had
all
the
hallmarks
of
a
typical
Christian
conversion
experience
-
the
dark
night
of
the
soul
,
the
call
for
help
,
the
responding
voice
,
the
sense
of
transformation
.
But
I
would
not
say
that
this
was
a
religious
conversion
for
me
,
not
in
that
traditional
manner
of
being
born
again
or
saved
.
Instead
,
I
would
call
what
happened
that
night
the
beginning
of
a
religious
conversation
.
The
first
words
of
an
open
and
exploratory
dialogue
that
would
,
ultimately
,
bring
me
very
close
to
God
,
indeed
.
If
I
’
d
had
any
way
of
knowing
that
things
were
-
as
Lily
Tomlin
once
said
-
going
to
get
a
whole
lot
worse
before
they
got
worse
,
I
’
m
not
sure
how
well
I
would
have
slept
that
night
.
But
seven
very
difficult
months
later
,
I
did
leave
my
husband
.
When
I
finally
made
that
decision
,
I
thought
the
worst
of
it
was
over
.
This
only
shows
how
little
I
knew
about
divorce
.
There
was
once
a
cartoon
in
The
New
Yorker
magazine
.
Two
women
talking
,
one
saying
to
the
other
:
"
If
you
really
want
to
get
to
know
someone
,
you
have
to
divorce
him
.
"
Of
course
,
my
experience
was
the
opposite
.
I
would
say
that
if
you
really
want
to
STOP
knowing
someone
,
you
have
to
divorce
him
.
Or
her
.
Because
this
is
what
happened
between
me
and
my
husband
.
I
believe
that
we
shocked
each
other
by
how
swiftly
we
went
from
being
the
people
who
knew
each
other
best
in
the
world
to
being
a
pair
of
the
most
mutually
incomprehensible
strangers
who
ever
lived
.
At
the
bottom
of
that
strangeness
was
the
abysmal
fact
that
we
were
both
doing
something
the
other
person
would
never
have
conceived
possible
;
he
never
dreamed
I
would
actually
leave
him
,
and
I
never
in
my
wildest
imagination
thought
he
would
make
it
so
difficult
for
me
to
go
.
It
was
my
most
sincere
belief
when
I
left
my
husband
that
we
could
settle
our
practical
affairs
in
a
few
hours
with
a
calculator
,
some
common
sense
and
a
bit
of
goodwill
toward
the
person
we
’
d
once
loved
.
My
initial
suggestion
was
that
we
sell
the
house
and
divide
all
the
assets
fifty
-
fifty
;
it
never
occurred
to
me
we
’
d
proceed
in
any
other
way
.
He
didn
’
t
find
this
suggestion
fair
.
So
I
upped
my
offer
,
even
suggesting
this
different
kind
of
fifty
-
fifty
split
:
What
if
he
took
all
the
assets
and
I
took
all
the
blame
?
But
not
even
that
offer
would
bring
a
settlement
.
Now
I
was
at
a
loss
.
How
do
you
negotiate
once
you
’
ve
offered
everything
?
I
could
do
nothing
now
but
wait
for
his
counterproposal
.
My
guilt
at
having
left
him
forbade
me
from
thinking
I
should
be
allowed
to
keep
even
a
dime
of
the
money
I
’
d
made
in
the
last
decade
.
Moreover
,
my
newfound
spirituality
made
it
essential
to
me
that
we
not
battle
.
So
this
was
my
position
-
I
would
neither
defend
myself
from
him
,
nor
would
I
fight
him
.
For
the
longest
time
,
against
the
counsel
of
all
who
cared
about
me
,
I
resisted
even
consulting
a
lawyer
,
because
I
considered
even
that
to
be
an
act
of
war
.
I
wanted
to
be
all
Gandhi
about
this
.
I
wanted
to
be
all
Nelson
Mandela
about
this
.
Not
realizing
at
the
time
that
both
Gandhi
and
Mandela
were
lawyers
.
Months
passed
.
My
life
hung
in
limbo
as
I
waited
to
be
released
,
waited
to
see
what
the
terms
would
be
.
We
were
living
separately
(
he
had
moved
into
our
Manhattan
apartment
)
,
but
nothing
was
resolved
.
Bills
piled
up
,
careers
stalled
,
the
house
fell
into
ruin
and
my
husband
’
s
silences
were
broken
only
by
his
occasional
communications
reminding
me
what
a
criminal
jerk
I
was
.
And
then
there
was
David
.
All
the
complications
and
traumas
of
those
ugly
divorce
years
were
multiplied
by
the
drama
of
David
-
the
guy
I
fell
in
love
with
as
I
was
taking
leave
of
my
marriage
.
Did
I
say
that
I
"
fell
in
love
"
with
David
?
What
I
meant
to
say
is
that
I
dove
out
of
my
marriage
and
into
David
’
s
arms
exactly
the
same
way
a
cartoon
circus
performer
dives
off
a
high
platform
and
into
a
small
cup
of
water
,
vanishing
completely
.
I
clung
to
David
for
escape
from
marriage
as
if
he
were
the
last
helicopter
pulling
out
of
Saigon
.
I
inflicted
upon
him
my
every
hope
for
my
salvation
and
happiness
.
And
,
yes
,
I
did
love
him
.
But
if
I
could
think
of
a
stronger
word
than
"
desperately
"
to
describe
how
I
loved
David
,
I
would
use
that
word
here
,
and
desperate
love
is
always
the
toughest
way
to
do
it
.
