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The
itch
was
maddening
at
first
but
eventually
it
just
melded
into
a
general
burning
feeling
and
I
rode
that
heat
to
a
mild
euphoria
I
allowed
the
pain
to
lose
its
specific
associations
and
become
pure
sensation
-
neither
good
nor
bad
,
just
intense
-
and
that
intensity
lifted
me
out
of
myself
and
into
meditation
.
I
sat
there
for
two
hours
.
A
bird
might
very
well
have
landed
on
my
head
;
I
wouldn
’
t
have
noticed
.
Let
me
be
clear
about
one
thing
.
I
recognize
that
this
experiment
wasn
’
t
the
most
stoic
act
of
fortitude
in
the
history
of
mankind
,
and
I
’
m
not
asking
for
a
Congressional
Medal
of
Honor
here
.
But
there
was
something
mildly
thrilling
for
me
about
realizing
that
in
my
thirty
-
four
years
on
earth
I
have
never
not
slapped
at
a
mosquito
when
it
was
biting
me
.
I
’
ve
been
a
puppet
to
this
and
to
millions
of
other
small
and
large
signals
of
pain
or
pleasure
throughout
my
life
.
Whenever
something
happens
,
I
always
react
.
But
here
I
was
-
disregarding
the
reflex
.
I
was
doing
something
I
’
d
never
done
before
.
A
small
thing
,
granted
,
but
how
often
do
I
get
to
say
that
?
And
what
will
I
be
able
to
do
tomorrow
that
I
cannot
yet
do
today
?
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When
it
was
all
over
,
I
stood
up
,
walked
to
my
room
and
assessed
the
damage
.
I
counted
about
twenty
mosquito
bites
.
But
within
a
half
an
hour
,
all
the
bites
had
diminished
.
It
all
goes
away
.
Eventually
,
everything
goes
away
.
The
search
for
God
is
a
reversal
of
the
normal
,
mundane
worldly
order
.
In
the
search
for
God
,
you
revert
from
what
attracts
you
and
swim
toward
that
which
is
difficult
.
You
abandon
your
comforting
and
familiar
habits
with
the
hope
(
the
mere
hope
!
)
that
something
greater
will
be
offered
you
in
return
for
what
you
’
ve
given
up
.
Every
religion
in
the
world
operates
on
the
same
common
understandings
of
what
it
means
to
be
a
good
disciple
-
get
up
early
and
pray
to
your
God
,
hone
your
virtues
,
be
a
good
neighbor
,
respect
yourself
and
others
,
master
your
cravings
.
We
all
agree
that
it
would
be
easier
to
sleep
in
,
and
many
of
us
do
,
but
for
millennia
there
have
been
others
who
choose
instead
to
get
up
before
the
sun
and
wash
their
faces
and
go
to
their
prayers
.
And
then
fiercely
try
to
hold
on
to
their
devotional
convictions
throughout
the
lunacy
of
another
day
.
The
devout
of
this
world
perform
their
rituals
without
guarantee
that
anything
good
will
ever
come
of
it
.
Of
course
there
are
plenty
of
scriptures
and
plenty
of
priests
who
make
plenty
of
promises
as
to
what
your
good
works
will
yield
(
or
threats
as
to
the
punishments
awaiting
you
if
you
lapse
)
,
but
to
even
believe
all
this
is
an
act
of
faith
,
because
nobody
amongst
us
is
shown
the
endgame
.
Devotion
is
diligence
without
assurance
.
Faith
is
a
way
of
saying
,
"
Yes
,
I
pre
-
accept
the
terms
of
the
universe
and
I
embrace
in
advance
what
I
am
presently
incapable
of
understanding
"
There
’
s
a
reason
we
refer
to
"
leaps
of
faith
"
-
because
the
decision
to
consent
to
any
notion
of
divinity
is
a
mighty
jump
from
the
rational
over
to
the
unknowable
,
and
I
don
’
t
care
how
diligently
scholars
of
every
religion
will
try
to
sit
you
down
with
their
stacks
of
books
and
prove
to
you
through
scripture
that
their
faith
is
indeed
rational
;
it
isn
’
t
.
If
faith
were
rational
,
it
wouldn
’
t
be
-
by
definition
-
faith
.
Faith
is
belief
in
what
you
cannot
see
or
prove
or
touch
.
Faith
is
walking
face
-
first
and
full
-
speed
into
the
dark
.
If
we
truly
knew
all
the
answers
in
advance
as
to
the
meaning
of
life
and
the
nature
of
God
and
the
destiny
of
our
souls
,
our
belief
would
not
be
a
leap
of
faith
and
it
would
not
be
a
courageous
act
of
humanity
;
it
would
just
be
…
a
prudent
insurance
policy
.
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I
’
m
not
interested
in
the
insurance
industry
.
I
’
m
tired
of
being
a
skeptic
,
I
’
m
irritated
by
spiritual
prudence
and
I
feel
bored
and
parched
by
empirical
debate
.
I
don
’
t
want
to
hear
it
anymore
.
I
couldn
’
t
care
less
about
evidence
and
proof
and
assurances
.
I
just
want
God
.
I
want
God
inside
me
.
I
want
God
to
play
in
my
bloodstream
the
way
sunlight
amuses
itself
on
water
.
My
prayers
are
becoming
more
deliberate
and
specific
.
It
has
occurred
to
me
that
it
’
s
not
much
use
to
send
prayers
out
to
the
universe
that
are
lazy
.
Every
morning
before
meditation
,
I
kneel
in
the
temple
and
talk
for
a
few
minutes
to
God
.
I
found
during
the
beginning
of
my
stay
here
at
the
Ashram
that
I
was
often
dull
-
witted
during
those
divine
conversations
.
Tired
,
confused
and
bored
,
my
prayers
sounded
the
same
.
I
remember
kneeling
down
one
morning
,
touching
my
forehead
to
the
floor
and
muttering
to
my
creator
,
"
Oh
,
I
dunno
what
I
need
…
but
you
must
have
some
ideas
…
so
just
do
something
about
it
,
would
you
?
"
Similar
to
the
way
I
have
oftentimes
spoken
to
my
hairdresser
.