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Not
because
we
were
more
immoral
than
other
people
.
But
because
we
were
more
moral
.
We
attempted
to
do
that
in
our
own
lives
.
I
have
attempted
to
do
it
in
the
way
I
have
brought
up
our
children
.
And
I
must
make
you
understand
that
sex
is
for
us
,
for
all
of
us
who
help
Maurice
,
not
an
important
thing
.
Or
not
the
thing
it
is
in
most
people
’
s
lives
.
We
have
more
important
things
to
do
.
"
I
would
not
turn
and
look
at
her
.
"
Before
the
war
I
twice
played
roles
somewhat
similar
to
Lily
’
s
with
you
.
She
is
prepared
to
do
things
that
I
was
not
.
I
had
far
more
inhibitions
to
shed
.
I
also
had
a
husband
whom
I
loved
sexually
as
well
as
in
the
other
more
important
ways
.
But
since
we
have
penetrated
so
deep
into
your
life
,
I
owe
it
to
you
to
say
that
even
when
my
husband
was
living
I
sometimes
gave
myself
,
with
his
full
knowledge
and
consent
,
to
Maurice
.
And
in
the
war
he
in
his
turn
had
an
Indian
mistress
,
with
my
full
knowledge
and
consent
.
Yet
I
believe
ours
was
a
very
complete
marriage
,
a
very
happy
one
,
because
we
kept
to
two
essential
rules
.
We
never
told
each
other
lies
.
And
the
other
one
…
I
will
not
tell
you
until
I
know
you
better
.
"
I
looked
around
then
,
contemptuously
.
I
found
her
calm
vehemence
uncomfortable
;
the
madness
erupting
out
of
calm
.
She
sat
down
again
,
on
her
throne
.
"
Of
course
,
if
you
wish
to
live
in
the
world
of
received
ideas
and
received
manners
,
what
we
did
,
and
what
my
daughter
did
,
is
disgusting
.
Very
well
.
But
remember
that
there
is
another
possible
explanation
.
She
may
have
been
being
very
brave
.
Neither
I
nor
my
children
pretend
to
be
ordinary
people
.
They
were
not
brought
up
to
be
ordinary
.
We
are
rich
and
we
are
intelligent
and
we
mean
to
live
rich
,
intelligent
lives
.
"
I
said
without
turning
.
"
Lucky
you
.
"
"
Of
course
.
Lucky
us
.
And
we
accept
the
responsibility
that
our
good
luck
in
the
lottery
of
existence
puts
upon
us
.
"
"
Responsibility
!
"
I
wheeled
round
on
her
again
.
"
Do
you
really
think
we
do
this
just
for
you
?
Do
you
really
believe
we
are
not
…
charting
the
voyage
?
"
I
stared
back
at
her
,
then
turned
away
.
She
went
on
in
a
milder
yoice
.
"
All
that
we
did
was
to
us
a
necessity
.
"
She
meant
,
not
self
-
indulgence
.
"
With
all
the
necessity
of
gratuitous
obscenity
.
"
"
With
all
the
necessity
of
a
very
complex
experiment
.
"
"
I
like
my
experiments
simple
.
"
"
The
days
of
simple
experiments
are
over
.
"
A
long
silence
fell
between
us
.
I
was
still
full
of
spleen
;
and
in
some
obscure
way
frightened
to
think
of
Alison
in
this
woman
’
s
hands
.
As
one
hears
of
a
countryside
one
has
loved
being
sold
to
building
developers
.
And
I
also
felt
left
behind
,
abandoned
again
.
I
did
not
belong
to
this
other
-
planet
world
.
She
came
behind
me
and
put
her
hand
on
my
shoulder
and
made
me
turn
.
"
Do
I
look
an
evil
woman
?
Did
my
daughters
?
"
"
Actions
.
Not
looks
.
"
My
voice
sounded
raw
;
I
wanted
to
slap
her
arm
down
,
to
get
out
.
"
Are
you
absolutely
sure
our
actions
have
been
nothing
but
evil
?
"
I
looked
down
.
I
wouldn
’
t
answer
.
She
took
her
hand
away
,
but
stayed
close
in
front
of
me
.
"
Will
you
trust
me
a
little
—
just
for
a
little
while
?
"
I
shook
my
head
,
but
she
went
on
.
"
You
can
always
telephone
me
.
If
you
want
to
watch
the
house
,
please
do
.
But
I
warn
you
that
you
will
see
no
one
you
want
to
see
.
Only
Benjie
and
Gunnel
and
my
two
middle
children
when
they
come
home
from
France
next
week
.
Only
one
person
is
making
you
wait
at
the
moment
.
"
"
She
should
tell
me
so
herself
.
"
She
looked
out
of
the
window
,
then
sideways
at
me
.
"
I
should
so
like
to
help
you
.
"
"
I
want
Alison
.
Not
help
.
"
"
May
I
call
you
Nicholas
now
?
"
I
turned
away
from
her
;
went
to
the
sofa
table
,
stared
down
at
the
photos
there
.
"
Very
well
.
I
will
not
ask
again
.
"
We
faced
each
other
.
"
I
could
go
to
a
newspaper
and
sell
them
the
story
.
I
could
ruin
your
whole
blasted
…
"
"
Just
as
you
could
have
brought
that
cat
down
across
my
daughter
’
s
back
.
"
I
looked
sharply
back
at
her
.
"
It
was
you
?
In
the
sedan
?
"
"
No
.
"
"
Alison
?
"
"
You
were
told
.
It
was
empty
.
"
She
met
my
disbelieving
eyes
.
"
I
give
you
my
word
.
It
was
not
Alison
.
Or
myself
.
"
She
smiled
at
my
still
suspicious
look
.
"
Well
.
Perhaps
there
was
someone
there
.
"
"
Who
?
"
"
Someone
…
quite
famous
in
the
world
.
Whose
face
you
might
have
recognized
.
That
is
all
.
"
Tendrils
of
her
sympathy
began
to
sneak
their
way
through
my
anger
.
With
a
curt
look
,
I
wheeled
and
walked
towards
the
door
.
She
came
after
me
,
snatching
up
a
sheet
of
paper
from
the
top
of
the
desk
.
"
Please
take
this
.
"
I
saw
a
list
of
names
;
dates
of
birth
;
Hughes
to
de
Seitas
,
February
22
,
1933
;
the
telephone
number
.
"
It
doesn
’
t
prove
anything
.
"
"
Yes
it
does
.
Go
to
Somerset
House
.
"
I
shrugged
,
pushed
the
list
carelessly
in
my
pocket
and
went
on
without
looking
at
her
I
opened
the
front
door
with
her
just
behind
me
;
and
she
came
down
the
steps
after
me
.
I
got
in
and
she
stood
by
the
car
.
I
gave
her
a
quick
glance
up
and
reached
for
the
ignition
key
,
but
her
hand
stopped
my
arm
.
"
I
shall
be
waiting
.
"
"
You
’
ll
have
to
wait
then
.
"
I
stared
balefully
up
at
her
.
"
Because
I
’
ll
see
Alison
in
hell
before
I
come
to
you
again
.
"
Her
hand
stayed
,
as
if
she
wanted
to
say
something
more
.
I
stared
at
the
dashboard
.
The
moment
her
hand
lifted
I
switched
on
.
As
I
went
out
of
the
gate
I
saw
her
in
the
mirror
.
She
was
standing
there
on
the
step
in
front
of
the
open
door
,
and
her
arms
were
raised
in
the
Ka
gesture
.
Yet
even
then
I
knew
I
was
pretending
to
be
angrier
than
I
really
was
;
that
just
as
she
was
trying
to
break
down
my
hostility
by
charm
,
I
was
trying
to
break
down
her
charm
by
hostility
.
I
didn
’
t
in
the
least
regret
being
ungracious
,
rebuffing
her
overtures
;
and
I
more
than
half
meant
,
at
the
time
,
what
I
said
about
Alison
.
Because
this
was
now
the
active
mystery
:
that
I
was
not
allowed
to
meet
Alison
.
Something
was
expected
of
me
,
some
Orphean
performance
that
would
gain
me
access
to
the
underworld
where
she
was
hidden
…
or
hiding
herself
.
I
was
on
probation
.
But
no
one
gave
me
any
real
indication
of
what
I
was
meant
to
be
proving
.
I
had
apparently
found
the
entrance
to
Tartarus
.
But
that
brought
me
no
nearer
Eurydice
.
Just
as
the
things
Lily
de
Seitas
had
told
me
brought
me
no
nearer
the
permanent
mystery
:
what
voyage
,
what
charts
?
My
anger
carried
me
through
the
next
day
;
but
the
day
after
that
I
went
to
Somerset
House
and
found
that
every
fact
Lily
de
Seitas
had
given
me
to
check
was
true
,
and
somehow
this
turned
my
anger
into
a
depression
.
That
evening
I
rang
up
her
number
in
Much
Hadham
.
The
Norwegian
girl
answered
the
phone
.
"
Dinsford
House
.
Please
,
who
is
it
?
"
I
said
nothing
.
Someone
must
have
called
,
because
I
heard
the
girl
say
,
"
There
is
no
one
to
answer
.
"
Then
there
came
another
voice
.
"
Hello
.
Hello
.
"
I
put
down
the
receiver
.
She
was
still
there
.
But
nothing
would
make
me
speak
to
her
.
The
next
day
,
the
third
after
the
visit
,
I
spent
in
getting
drunk
and
in
composing
a
bitter
letter
to
Alison
in
Australia
.
I
had
decided
that
that
was
where
she
was
.
It
said
everything
I
had
to
say
to
her
;
I
must
have
read
it
twenty
times
,
as
if
by
reading
it
enough
I
could
turn
it
into
the
definitive
truth
about
my
innocence
and
her
complicity
.
But
I
kept
on
putting
off
posting
it
,
and
in
the
end
it
spent
the
night
on
the
mantelpiece
.
I
had
got
into
the
habit
of
going
down
and
having
breakfast
with
Kemp
most
mornings
,
though
not
those
last
three
,
when
I
had
carried
with
me
a
scowl
against
the
whole
human
condition
.
Kemp
had
no
time
at
all
for
the
kitchen
,
but
she
could
make
a
good
cup
of
coffee
;
and
on
the
fourth
morning
,
I
badly
needed
it
.
When
I
came
in
she
put
the
Daily
Worker
down
—
she
read
the
Worker
"
for
the
truth
"
and
a
certain
other
paper
"
for
the
fucking
lies
"
—
and
sat
there
smoking
.
Her
mouth
without
a
cigarette
was
like
a
yacht
without
a
mast
;
one
presumed
disaster
.
We
exchanged
a
couple
of
sentences
.
She
fell
silent
.
But
during
the
next
few
minutes
I
became
aware
that
I
was
undergoing
a
prolonged
scrutiny
through
the
smoke
she
wore
like
a
merciful
veil
in
front
of
her
Gorgon
-
like
morning
face
.
I
pretended
to
read
;
but
that
didn
’
t
deceive
her
.
"
What
’
s
up
with
you
,
Nick
?
"
"
Up
with
me
?
"
"
No
friends
.
No
girls
.
Nothing
.
"
"
Not
at
this
time
of
the
morning
.
Please
.
"
She
sat
there
dumpily
,
in
an
old
red
dressing
gown
,
her
hair
uncombed
,
as
old
as
time
.
"
You
’
re
not
looking
for
a
job
.
That
’
s
all
my
fanny
.
"
"
If
you
say
so
.
"
"
I
’
m
trying
to
help
you
.
"
"
I
know
you
are
,
Kemp
.
"
I
looked
up
at
her
.
Her
face
was
a
disaster
.
She
had
long
ago
let
it
go
to
rack
and
ruin
.
It
was
pasty
,
bloated
,
with
the
eyes
permanently
narrowed
against
tobacco
smoke
;
somehow
like
a
mask
in
a
Noh
play
,
which
in
an
odd
way
suited
the
Cockney
resonances
that
loitered
in
her
voice
and
the
hard
anti
-
sentimentality
she
affected
.
But
now
,
in
what
was
for
her
an
extraordinary
gesture
of
affection
,
she
reached
across
the
table
and
patted
my
hand
.
She
was
,
I
knew
,
five
years
younger
than
Lily
de
Seitas
;
and
yet
she
looked
ten
years
older
.
She
was
by
ordinary
standards
foulmouthed
;
a
blatant
member
of
what
had
been
my
father
’
s
most
hated
regiment
,
one
he
used
to
consign
far
lower
even
than
the
Damned
Socialists
and
the
Blasted
Whitehall
Airy
Fairies
—
the
Longhaired
Brigade
.
I
had
a
moment
’
s
vision
of
his
standing
,
his
aggressive
blue
eyes
,
his
bushy
colonel
’
s
moustache
,
in
the
door
of
the
studio
;
the
unmade
divan
,
the
stinking
old
rusty
oilstove
,
the
mess
on
the
table
,
the
garish
sexual
-
fetal
abstract
oils
that
littered
the
walls
;
a
tat
of
old
pottery
,
old
clothes
,
old
newspapers
.
But
in
that
short
gesture
of
hers
,
and
the
look
that
accompanied
it
,
I
knew
there
was
more
real
humanity
than
I
had
ever
known
in
my
own
home
.
Yet
still
that
home
,
those
years
,
governed
me
;
I
had
to
repress
the
natural
response
.
Our
eyes
met
across
a
gap
I
could
not
bridge
;
her
offer
of
a
rough
temporary
motherhood
,
my
ffight
to
what
I
had
to
be
,
the
lonely
son
.
She
withdrew
her
hand
.
I
said
,
"
It
’
s
too
complicated
.
"
"
I
’
ve
got
all
day
.
"
Her
face
peered
at
me
through
the
blue
smoke
,
and
suddenly
it
seemed
as
blank
,
as
menacing
,
as
an
interrogator
’
s
.
I
liked
her
,
I
liked
her
,
yet
I
felt
her
curiosity
like
a
net
drawn
round
me
.
I
was
like
some
freakish
parasitic
species
that
could
establish
itself
only
in
one
rare
kind
of
situation
,
by
one
precarious
symbiosis
.
They
had
been
wrong
,
at
the
trial
.
It
was
not
that
I
preyed
on
girls
;
but
the
fact
that
my
only
access
to
normal
humanity
,
to
social
decency
,
to
any
openness
of
heart
,
lay
through
girls
,
preyed
on
me
.
It
was
in
that
that
I
was
the
real
victim
.
There
was
only
one
person
I
wanted
to
talk
with
.
Till
then
I
could
not
move
,
advance
,
plan
,
progress
,
become
a
better
human
being
,
anything
;
and
till
then
,
I
carried
my
mystery
,
my
secret
,
around
with
me
like
a
defense
;
as
my
only
companion
.
"
One
day
,
Kemp
.
Not
now
.
"
She
shrugged
;
gave
me
a
stonily
sibylline
look
,
auguring
the
worst
.
The
old
char
who
cleaned
the
stairs
once
a
fortnight
bawled
through
the
door
.
My
phone
was
ringing
.
I
raced
up
the
stairs
,
lifting
the
receiver
on
what
seemed
the
dying
ring
.
"
Hello
.
Nicholas
Urfe
.
"
"
Oh
,
good
morning
,
Urfe
.
It
’
s
me
.
Sandy
Mitford
.
"
"
You
’
re
back
!
"
"
What
’
s
left
of
me
,
old
man
.
What
’
s
left
of
me
.
"
He
cleared
his
throat
.
"
Got
your
note
.
Wondered
if
you
were
free
for
a
spot
of
lunchington
.
"
A
minute
later
,
a
time
and
place
fixed
,
I
was
reading
once
more
my
letter
to
Alison
.
The
injured
Malvolio
stalked
through
every
line
.
In
another
minute
there
was
no
letter
;
but
,
as
with
every
other
relationship
in
my
life
,
pounded
ashes
.
Mitford
hadn
’
t
changed
at
all
,
in
fact
I
could
have
sworn
that
he
was
wearing
the
same
clothes
,
the
same
dark
blue
blazer
,
dark
gray
flannels
,
club
tie
.
They
looked
a
little
more
worn
out
,
like
their
wearer
;
he
was
far
less
jaunty
than
I
remembered
,
though
after
a
few
gins
he
got
back
some
of
his
old
guerrilla
cockiness
.
He
had
spent
the
summer
"
carting
bands
of
Americans
"
round
Spain
;
no
,
he
’
d
received
no
letter
from
Phraxos
from
me
.
They
must
have
destroyed
it
.
There
was
something
they
hadn
’
t
wanted
him
to
tell
.
Over
sandwiches
we
had
a
talk
about
the
school
.
Bourani
wasn
’
t
mentioned
.
He
kept
on
saying
that
he
’
d
warned
me
,
and
I
said
,
yes
,
he
’
d
warned
me
.
I
waited
for
a
chance
to
broach
the
only
subject
that
interested
me
.
Eventually
,
as
I
’
d
been
hoping
,
he
made
the
opening
himself
.
"
Ever
get
over
to
the
waiting
room
?
"
I
knew
at
once
that
the
question
was
not
as
casual
as
he
tried
to
make
it
sound
;
that
he
was
both
afraid
and
curious
;
that
in
fact
we
both
had
the
same
secret
reason
for
meeting
.
"
Oh
God
,
now
I
meant
to
ask
you
about
that
.
Do
you
remember
,
just
as
we
said
goodbye
…
"
"
Yes
.
"
He
gave
me
a
tightly
cautious
look
.
"
Never
went
to
a
bay
called
Moutsa
?
Rather
jolly
,
over
on
the
south
side
?
"
"
Of
course
.
I
know
it
.
"
"
Ever
notice
the
villa
on
the
cape
to
the
east
?
"
"
Yes
.
It
was
always
shut
up
.
I
was
told
.
"
"
Ah
.
Interesting
.
Very
interesting
.
"
He
looked
reminiscently
across
the
lounge
;
left
me
in
suspense
.
I
watched
him
lift
,
an
infuriating
upward
arc
,
his
cigarette
to
his
lips
;
the
gentleman
connoisseur
of
fine
Virginia
;
then
fume
smoke
through
his
nostrils
.
"
Well
that
was
it
,
old
boy
.
Nothing
really
.
"
"
But
why
beware
?
"
"
Oh
it
’
s
nothing
.
No
-
thing
at
all
.
"
"
Then
you
can
tell
me
.
"
"
I
did
,
actually
.
"
"
You
did
!
"
"
Row
with
collaborationist
.
Remember
?
"
"
Yes
.
"
"
Same
man
who
has
the
villa
.
"
"
Oh
,
but
…
"
I
flicked
my
fingers
…
"
wait
a
moment
.
What
was
his
name
?
"
"
Conchis
.
"
He
had
an
amused
smile
on
his
face
,
as
if
he
knew
what
I
was
going
to
say
.
He
touched
his
moustache
;
always
preening
his
moustache
.
"
That
’
s
right
.
But
I
thought
he
did
something
rather
fine
during
the
Resistance
.
"
"
Not
on
your
nelly
.
Actually
he
did
a
deal
with
the
Germans
.
Personally
organized
the
shooting
of
eighty
villagers
.
Then
got
his
kraut
chums
to
line
him
up
with
them
.
See
.
As
if
he
was
all
brave
and
innocent
.
"
"
But
wasn
’
t
he
badly
wounded
,
or
something
?
"
He
blew
out
smoke
,
despising
my
innocence
.
"
You
don
’
t
survive
a
German
execution
,
old
boy
.
No
,
the
bugger
pulled
a
very
fast
one
.
Acted
like
a
traitor
and
got
treated
like
a
bloody
hero
.
Even
forged
a
phony
German
report
on
the
incident
.
One
of
the
neatest
little
cover
-
up
jobs
of
the
war
.
"
I
looked
sharply
at
him
.
A
dreadful
new
suspicion
crossed
my
mind
.
New
corridors
in
the
labyrinth
.
"
But
hasn
’
t
anyone
…
?
"
Mitford
made
the
Greek
corruption
gesture
;
thumb
and
forefinger
.
I
said
,
"
You
still
haven
’
t
explained
the
waiting
-
room
business
.
"
"
His
name
for
the
villa
.
Waiting
for
death
or
something
.
Had
it
nailed
up
on
a
tree
in
Frog
.
