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- Джеймс Джойс
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He
had
felt
a
subtle
,
dark
,
and
murmurous
presence
penetrate
his
being
and
fire
him
with
a
brief
iniquitous
lust
:
it
,
too
,
had
slipped
beyond
his
grasp
leaving
his
mind
lucid
and
indifferent
.
This
,
it
seemed
,
was
the
only
love
and
that
the
only
hate
his
soul
would
harbour
.
But
he
could
no
longer
disbelieve
in
the
reality
of
love
,
since
God
Himself
had
loved
his
individual
soul
with
divine
love
from
all
eternity
.
Gradually
,
as
his
soul
was
enriched
with
spiritual
knowledge
,
he
saw
the
whole
world
forming
one
vast
symmetrical
expression
of
God
's
power
and
love
.
Life
became
a
divine
gift
for
every
moment
and
sensation
of
which
,
were
it
even
the
sight
of
a
single
leaf
hanging
on
the
twig
of
a
tree
,
his
soul
should
praise
and
thank
the
Giver
.
The
world
for
all
its
solid
substance
and
complexity
no
longer
existed
for
his
soul
save
as
a
theorem
of
divine
power
and
love
and
universality
.
So
entire
and
unquestionable
was
this
sense
of
the
divine
meaning
in
all
nature
granted
to
his
soul
that
he
could
scarcely
understand
why
it
was
in
any
way
necessary
that
he
should
continue
to
live
.
Yet
that
was
part
of
the
divine
purpose
and
he
dared
not
question
its
use
,
he
above
all
others
who
had
sinned
so
deeply
and
so
foully
against
the
divine
purpose
.
Meek
and
abased
by
this
consciousness
of
the
one
eternal
omnipresent
perfect
reality
his
soul
took
up
again
her
burden
of
pieties
,
masses
and
prayers
and
sacraments
and
mortifications
,
and
only
then
for
the
first
time
since
he
had
brooded
on
the
great
mystery
of
love
did
he
feel
within
him
a
warm
movement
like
that
of
some
newly
born
life
or
virtue
of
the
soul
itself
.
The
attitude
of
rapture
in
sacred
art
,
the
raised
and
parted
hands
,
the
parted
lips
and
eyes
as
of
one
about
to
swoon
,
became
for
him
an
image
of
the
soul
in
prayer
,
humiliated
and
faint
before
her
Creator
.
But
he
had
been
forewarned
of
the
dangers
of
spiritual
exaltation
and
did
not
allow
himself
to
desist
from
even
the
least
or
lowliest
devotion
,
striving
also
by
constant
mortification
to
undo
the
sinful
past
rather
than
to
achieve
a
saintliness
fraught
with
peril
.
Each
of
his
senses
was
brought
under
a
rigorous
discipline
.
In
order
to
mortify
the
sense
of
sight
he
made
it
his
rule
to
walk
in
the
street
with
downcast
eyes
,
glancing
neither
to
right
nor
left
and
never
behind
him
.
His
eyes
shunned
every
encounter
with
the
eyes
of
women
.
From
time
to
time
also
he
balked
them
by
a
sudden
effort
of
the
will
,
as
by
lifting
them
suddenly
in
the
middle
of
an
unfinished
sentence
and
closing
the
book
.
To
mortify
his
hearing
he
exerted
no
control
over
his
voice
which
was
then
breaking
,
neither
sang
nor
whistled
,
and
made
no
attempt
to
flee
from
noises
which
caused
him
painful
nervous
irritation
such
as
the
sharpening
of
knives
on
the
knife
board
,
the
gathering
of
cinders
on
the
fire-shovel
and
the
twigging
of
the
carpet
.
To
mortify
his
smell
was
more
difficult
as
he
found
in
himself
no
instinctive
repugnance
to
bad
odours
whether
they
were
the
odours
of
the
outdoor
world
,
such
as
those
of
dung
or
tar
,
or
the
odours
of
his
own
person
among
which
he
had
made
many
curious
comparisons
and
experiments
.
He
found
in
the
end
that
the
only
odour
against
which
his
sense
of
smell
revolted
was
a
certain
stale
fishy
stink
like
that
of
long-standing
urine
;
and
whenever
it
was
possible
he
subjected
himself
to
this
unpleasant
odour
.
To
mortify
the
taste
he
practised
strict
habits
at
table
,
observed
to
the
letter
all
the
fasts
of
the
church
and
sought
by
distraction
to
divert
his
mind
from
the
savours
of
different
foods
.
But
it
was
to
the
mortification
of
touch
he
brought
the
most
assiduous
ingenuity
of
inventiveness
.
He
never
consciously
changed
his
position
in
bed
,
sat
in
the
most
uncomfortable
positions
,
suffered
patiently
every
itch
and
pain
,
kept
away
from
the
fire
,
remained
on
his
knees
all
through
the
mass
except
at
the
gospels
,
left
part
of
his
neck
and
face
undried
so
that
air
might
sting
them
and
,
whenever
he
was
not
saying
his
beads
,
carried
his
arms
stiffly
at
his
sides
like
a
runner
and
never
in
his
pockets
or
clasped
behind
him
.
He
had
no
temptations
to
sin
mortally
.
It
surprised
him
however
to
find
that
at
the
end
of
his
course
of
intricate
piety
and
self-restraint
he
was
so
easily
at
the
mercy
of
childish
and
unworthy
imperfections
.
His
prayers
and
fasts
availed
him
little
for
the
suppression
of
anger
at
hearing
his
mother
sneeze
or
at
being
disturbed
in
his
devotions
.
It
needed
an
immense
effort
of
his
will
to
master
the
impulse
which
urged
him
to
give
outlet
to
such
irritation
.
Images
of
the
outbursts
of
trivial
anger
which
he
had
often
noted
among
his
masters
,
their
twitching
mouths
,
close-shut
lips
and
flushed
cheeks
,
recurred
to
his
memory
,
discouraging
him
,
for
all
his
practice
of
humility
,
by
the
comparison
.
To
merge
his
life
in
the
common
tide
of
other
lives
was
harder
for
him
than
any
fasting
or
prayer
and
it
was
his
constant
failure
to
do
this
to
his
own
satisfaction
which
caused
in
his
soul
at
last
a
sensation
of
spiritual
dryness
together
with
a
growth
of
doubts
and
scruples
.
His
soul
traversed
a
period
of
desolation
in
which
the
sacraments
themselves
seemed
to
have
turned
into
dried-up
sources
.
His
confession
became
a
channel
for
the
escape
of
scrupulous
and
unrepented
imperfections
.
His
actual
reception
of
the
eucharist
did
not
bring
him
the
same
dissolving
moments
of
virginal
self-surrender
as
did
those
spiritual
communions
made
by
him
sometimes
at
the
close
of
some
visit
to
the
Blessed
Sacrament
.
The
book
which
he
used
for
these
visits
was
an
old
neglected
book
written
by
saint
Alphonsus
Liguori
,
with
fading
characters
and
sere
foxpapered
leaves
.
A
faded
world
of
fervent
love
and
virginal
responses
seemed
to
be
evoked
for
his
soul
by
the
reading
of
its
pages
in
which
the
imagery
of
the
canticles
was
interwoven
with
the
communicant
's
prayers
.
An
inaudible
voice
seemed
to
caress
the
soul
,
telling
her
names
and
glories
,
bidding
her
arise
as
for
espousal
and
come
away
,
bidding
her
look
forth
,
a
spouse
,
from
Amana
and
from
the
mountains
of
the
leopards
;
and
the
soul
seemed
to
answer
with
the
same
inaudible
voice
,
surrendering
herself
:
INTER
UBERA
MEA
COMMORABITUR
.
This
idea
of
surrender
had
a
perilous
attraction
for
his
mind
now
that
he
felt
his
soul
beset
once
again
by
the
insistent
voices
of
the
flesh
which
began
to
murmur
to
him
again
during
his
prayers
and
meditations
.
It
gave
him
an
intense
sense
of
power
to
know
that
he
could
,
by
a
single
act
of
consent
,
in
a
moment
of
thought
,
undo
all
that
he
had
done
.
He
seemed
to
feel
a
flood
slowly
advancing
towards
his
naked
feet
and
to
be
waiting
for
the
first
faint
timid
noiseless
wavelet
to
touch
his
fevered
skin
.
Then
,
almost
at
the
instant
of
that
touch
,
almost
at
the
verge
of
sinful
consent
,
he
found
himself
standing
far
away
from
the
flood
upon
a
dry
shore
,
saved
by
a
sudden
act
of
the
will
or
a
sudden
ejaculation
;
and
,
seeing
the
silver
line
of
the
flood
far
away
and
beginning
again
its
slow
advance
towards
his
feet
,
a
new
thrill
of
power
and
satisfaction
shook
his
soul
to
know
that
he
had
not
yielded
nor
undone
all
.
When
he
had
eluded
the
flood
of
temptation
many
times
in
this
way
he
grew
troubled
and
wondered
whether
the
grace
which
he
had
refused
to
lose
was
not
being
filched
from
him
little
by
little
.
The
clear
certitude
of
his
own
immunity
grew
dim
and
to
it
succeeded
a
vague
fear
that
his
soul
had
really
fallen
unawares
.
It
was
with
difficulty
that
he
won
back
his
old
consciousness
of
his
state
of
grace
by
telling
himself
that
he
had
prayed
to
God
at
every
temptation
and
that
the
grace
which
he
had
prayed
for
must
have
been
given
to
him
inasmuch
as
God
was
obliged
to
give
it
.
The
very
frequency
and
violence
of
temptations
showed
him
at
last
the
truth
of
what
he
had
heard
about
the
trials
of
the
saints
.
Frequent
and
violent
temptations
were
a
proof
that
the
citadel
of
the
soul
had
not
fallen
and
that
the
devil
raged
to
make
it
fall
.
Often
when
he
had
confessed
his
doubts
and
scruples
--
some
momentary
inattention
at
prayer
,
a
movement
of
trivial
anger
in
his
soul
,
or
a
subtle
wilfulness
in
speech
or
act
--
he
was
bidden
by
his
confessor
to
name
some
sin
of
his
past
life
before
absolution
was
given
him
.
He
named
it
with
humility
and
shame
and
repented
of
it
once
more
.
It
humiliated
and
shamed
him
to
think
that
he
would
never
be
freed
from
it
wholly
,
however
holily
he
might
live
or
whatever
virtues
or
perfections
he
might
attain
.
A
restless
feeling
of
guilt
would
always
be
present
with
him
:
he
would
confess
and
repent
and
be
absolved
,
confess
and
repent
again
and
be
absolved
again
,
fruitlessly
.
