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- Даниэл Киз
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- Стр. 150/233
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"
Come
in
the
kitchen
.
I
’
ll
make
some
coffee
.
"
What
have
you
been
doing
?
"
"
Days
—
I
’
ve
been
thinking
,
reading
,
and
writing
;
and
nights
—
wandering
in
search
of
myself
.
And
I
’
ve
discov
ered
that
Charlie
is
watching
me
.
"
"
Don
’
t
talk
like
that
,
"
she
shuddered
.
"
This
business
about
being
watched
isn
’
t
real
.
You
’
ve
built
it
up
in
your
mind
.
"
"
I
can
’
t
help
feeling
that
I
’
m
not
me
.
I
’
ve
usurped
his
place
and
locked
him
out
the
way
they
locked
me
out
of
the
bakery
.
What
I
mean
to
say
is
that
Charlie
Gordon
ex
ists
in
the
past
,
and
the
past
is
real
.
You
can
’
t
put
up
a
new
building
on
a
site
until
you
destroy
the
old
one
,
and
the
old
Charlie
can
’
t
be
destroyed
.
He
exists
.
At
first
I
was
searching
for
him
:
I
went
to
see
his
—
my
—
father
.
All
I
wanted
to
do
was
prove
that
Charlie
existed
as
a
person
in
the
past
,
so
that
I
could
justify
my
own
existence
.
I
was
in
sulted
when
Nemur
said
he
created
me
.
But
I
’
ve
discovered
that
not
only
did
Charlie
exist
in
the
past
,
he
exists
now
.
In
me
and
around
me
.
He
’
s
been
coming
between
us
all
along
.
I
thought
my
intelligence
created
the
barrier
—
my
pompous
,
foolish
pride
,
the
feeling
we
had
nothing
in
common
because
I
had
gone
beyond
you
.
You
put
that
idea
into
my
head
.
But
that
’
s
not
it
.
It
’
s
Charlie
,
the
little
boy
who
’
s
afraid
of
women
because
of
things
his
mother
did
to
him
.
Don
’
t
you
see
?
All
these
months
while
I
’
ve
been
growing
up
intellectually
,
I
’
ve
still
had
the
emotional
wiring
of
the
childlike
Charlie
.
And
every
time
I
came
close
to
you
,
or
thought
about
making
love
to
you
,
there
was
a
short
circuit
.
"
I
was
excited
,
and
my
voice
pounded
at
her
until
she
began
to
quiver
.
Her
face
became
flushed
.
"
Charlie
,
"
she
whispered
,
"
can
’
t
I
do
anything
?
Can
’
t
I
help
?
"
"
I
think
I
’
ve
changed
during
these
weeks
away
from
the
lab
,
"
I
said
.
"
I
couldn
’
t
see
how
to
do
it
at
first
,
but
tonight
,
while
I
was
wandering
around
the
city
,
it
came
to
me
.
The
foolish
thing
was
trying
to
solve
the
problem
all
by
myself
.
But
the
deeper
I
get
tangled
up
in
this
mass
of
dreams
and
memories
the
more
I
realize
that
emotional
problems
can
’
t
be
solved
as
intellectual
problems
are
.
That
’
s
what
I
discovered
about
myself
last
night
.
I
told
my
self
I
was
wandering
around
like
a
lost
soul
,
and
then
I
saw
that
I
was
lost
.
"
Somehow
I
’
ve
become
separated
emotionally
from
everyone
and
everything
.
And
what
I
was
really
searching
for
out
there
in
the
dark
streets
—
the
last
damned
place
I
could
ever
find
it
—
was
a
way
to
make
myself
a
part
of
people
again
emotionally
,
while
still
retaining
my
freedom
intellectually
.
I
’
ve
got
to
grow
up
.
For
me
it
means
every
thing
.
.
.
.
"
I
talked
on
and
on
,
spewing
out
of
myself
every
doubt
and
fear
that
bubbled
to
the
surface
.
She
was
my
sounding
board
and
she
sat
there
hypnotized
.
I
felt
myself
grow
warm
,
feverish
,
until
I
thought
my
body
was
on
fire
.
I
was
burning
out
the
infection
in
front
of
someone
I
cared
about
,
and
that
made
all
the
difference
.
But
it
was
too
much
for
her
.
What
had
started
as
trembling
became
tears
.
