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- Альбер Камю
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- Стр. 156/187
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And
I
decided
that
meanwhile
,
at
least
as
far
as
I
was
concerned
,
I
would
refuse
ever
to
concede
a
single
argument
,
a
single
one
,
to
this
disgusting
butchery
.
Yes
,
I
chose
that
obstinate
blindness
until
I
could
see
more
clearly
in
the
matter
.
"
Since
then
I
have
not
changed
.
For
a
long
time
I
have
been
ashamed
,
mortally
ashamed
,
of
having
been
—
even
at
a
distance
,
even
with
the
best
will
in
the
world
—
a
murderer
in
my
turn
.
With
time
I
have
simply
noticed
that
even
those
who
are
better
than
the
rest
cannot
avoid
killing
or
letting
others
be
killed
because
it
is
in
the
logic
of
how
they
live
and
we
cannot
make
a
gesture
in
this
world
without
taking
the
risk
of
bringing
death
.
Yes
,
I
have
continued
to
feel
ashamed
,
and
I
learned
that
we
are
all
in
the
plague
,
and
I
have
lost
my
peace
of
mind
.
I
am
still
looking
for
it
today
,
trying
to
understand
all
of
them
and
not
to
be
the
mortal
enemy
of
anybody
.
All
I
know
is
that
one
must
do
one
’
s
best
not
to
be
a
plague
victim
and
this
is
the
only
thing
that
can
give
us
hope
of
peace
or
,
failing
that
,
a
good
death
.
This
is
what
may
give
relief
to
men
and
,
even
if
it
does
not
save
them
,
does
them
the
least
possible
harm
and
even
sometimes
a
little
good
.
And
this
is
why
I
have
decided
to
reject
everything
that
,
directly
or
indirectly
,
makes
people
die
or
justifies
others
in
making
them
die
.
"
That
is
why
this
epidemic
has
so
far
taught
me
nothing
except
that
it
must
be
fought
at
your
side
.
I
have
absolute
knowledge
of
this
—
yes
Rieux
,
I
know
everything
about
life
,
as
you
can
see
—
that
everyone
has
inside
it
himself
,
this
plague
,
because
no
one
in
the
world
,
no
one
,
is
immune
.
And
I
know
that
we
must
constantly
keep
a
watch
on
ourselves
to
avoid
being
distracted
for
a
moment
and
find
ourselves
breathing
in
another
person
’
s
face
and
infecting
him
.
What
is
natural
is
the
microbe
.
The
rest
—
health
,
integrity
,
purity
,
if
you
like
—
are
an
effect
of
will
and
a
will
that
must
never
relax
.
The
decent
man
,
the
one
who
doesn
’
t
infect
anybody
,
is
the
one
who
concentrates
most
.
And
you
need
will
-
power
and
nervous
tension
not
to
let
your
mind
wander
!
Yes
indeed
,
Rieux
,
it
is
very
tiring
to
be
a
plague
victim
.
But
it
is
still
more
tiring
not
to
want
to
be
one
.
This
is
why
everyone
appears
tired
,
because
nowadays
everyone
is
a
little
infected
.
But
this
is
why
a
few
,
who
want
to
cease
to
be
victims
,
experience
an
extreme
form
of
tiredness
from
which
nothing
except
death
will
deliver
them
.
"
From
now
until
then
,
I
know
that
I
am
worth
nothing
for
this
world
itself
and
that
,
the
moment
I
rejected
killing
,
I
condemned
myself
to
a
definitive
exile
.
Other
men
will
make
history
.
I
know
too
that
I
clearly
cannot
judge
those
others
.
There
is
a
quality
which
is
lacking
in
me
to
make
a
reasonable
murderer
.
So
it
is
not
a
matter
of
superiority
.
But
now
I
accept
being
what
I
am
,
I
have
learned
modesty
.
All
I
say
is
that
on
this
earth
there
are
pestilences
and
there
are
victims
—
and
as
far
as
possible
one
must
refuse
to
be
on
the
side
of
the
pestilence
.
This
may
seem
rather
simple
to
you
,
and
I
don
’
t
know
if
it
is
simple
,
but
I
do
know
that
it
is
true
.
I
have
heard
so
many
arguments
which
nearly
turned
my
head
,
and
which
turned
enough
other
heads
for
them
to
consent
to
murder
,
that
I
understood
that
all
the
misfortunes
of
mankind
came
from
not
stating
things
in
clear
terms
.
So
I
decided
then
to
speak
and
act
clearly
,
to
put
myself
on
the
right
path
.
Consequently
,
I
say
that
there
are
pestilences
and
victims
,
and
nothing
more
.
If
in
saying
this
I
become
a
pestilence
myself
,
at
least
I
am
not
a
consenting
one
.
I
am
trying
to
be
an
innocent
murderer
.
You
see
,
it
’
s
not
a
high
ambition
.
"
Of
course
,
there
should
be
a
third
category
,
that
of
true
healers
,
but
it
’
s
a
fact
that
one
does
not
meet
many
of
those
,
because
it
must
be
hard
to
achieve
.
This
is
why
I
decided
to
place
myself
on
the
side
of
the
victims
,
on
every
occasion
,
to
limit
the
damage
.
Among
them
,
I
can
at
least
seek
how
one
arrives
at
the
third
category
,
that
is
to
say
at
peace
.
"
When
he
had
finished
Tarrou
swung
his
leg
and
gently
tapped
his
foot
against
the
parapet
.
After
a
pause
the
doctor
sat
up
a
little
and
asked
if
Tarrou
had
any
idea
of
the
road
that
one
should
follow
to
arrive
at
peace
.
"
Yes
,
sympathy
.
"
Two
ambulance
sirens
rang
out
in
the
distance
.
