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- Альбер Камю
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- Стр. 155/187
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I
realized
with
a
shock
that
my
father
must
have
been
present
at
these
murders
on
several
occasions
and
that
those
were
the
same
days
when
he
got
up
very
early
.
Yes
,
on
such
occasions
he
set
his
alarm
.
I
did
not
dare
speak
about
it
to
my
mother
,
but
I
looked
more
closely
at
her
and
realized
that
there
was
no
longer
anything
between
them
and
that
she
led
a
life
of
renunciation
.
This
helped
me
to
forgive
her
,
as
I
said
to
myself
at
the
time
.
Later
,
I
understood
that
there
was
nothing
to
forgive
,
because
she
had
been
poor
all
her
life
until
her
marriage
and
poverty
had
taught
her
resignation
.
"
No
doubt
you
are
expecting
me
to
tell
you
that
I
left
home
at
once
.
No
,
I
stayed
for
several
months
,
almost
a
year
.
But
I
was
sick
at
heart
.
One
evening
my
father
asked
for
his
alarm
clock
because
he
had
to
get
up
early
.
That
night
I
didn
’
t
sleep
,
and
the
following
day
,
when
he
came
home
,
I
’
d
left
.
I
must
say
at
once
that
he
looked
for
me
and
that
I
went
to
see
him
;
without
any
explanation
,
I
told
him
calmly
that
I
’
d
kill
myself
if
he
forced
me
to
come
back
.
Eventually
he
accepted
,
because
he
was
quite
mild
by
nature
;
he
gave
me
a
speech
about
how
silly
it
was
to
want
to
live
one
’
s
own
life
(
this
is
how
he
explained
my
actions
and
I
did
not
try
to
persuade
him
otherwise
)
,
and
lots
of
good
advice
,
while
holding
back
the
genuine
tears
that
came
to
his
eyes
.
Subsequently
,
though
quite
a
long
time
afterwards
,
I
would
go
regularly
to
see
my
mother
and
then
I
would
meet
him
.
I
think
this
relationship
was
all
he
needed
.
As
for
me
,
I
had
no
animosity
against
him
,
just
a
little
sadness
in
my
heart
.
When
he
died
I
took
my
mother
to
live
with
me
and
she
would
be
there
still
if
she
had
not
died
in
her
turn
.
"
I
have
spent
a
long
time
on
this
beginning
to
my
story
,
because
it
was
in
fact
the
start
of
everything
.
I
shall
go
faster
from
now
on
.
I
suffered
poverty
at
eighteen
,
having
been
comfortably
off
.
I
did
dozens
of
jobs
to
earn
a
living
,
and
made
a
reasonable
go
of
it
.
But
what
interested
me
was
the
death
penalty
.
I
had
an
account
to
square
with
the
red
-
headed
owl
.
Consequently
,
I
went
into
politics
,
as
they
say
.
I
did
not
want
to
be
a
victim
of
the
plague
,
that
’
s
all
.
I
thought
the
society
in
which
I
lived
rested
on
the
death
penalty
and
that
,
if
I
fought
against
it
,
I
should
be
fighting
against
murder
.
This
is
what
I
believed
;
other
people
have
told
me
the
same
thing
and
,
when
it
comes
down
to
it
,
it
was
largely
true
.
So
I
joined
with
other
people
I
liked
—
and
still
like
.
I
stayed
with
them
for
a
long
time
and
there
is
no
country
in
Europe
whose
struggle
I
have
not
shared
.
But
,
to
continue
…
"
Of
course
,
I
knew
that
we
too
occasionally
condemn
to
death
.
But
I
was
told
that
these
few
deaths
were
necessary
to
bring
about
a
world
in
which
no
one
would
kill
anyone
anymore
.
This
was
to
some
extent
true
and
,
after
all
,
I
may
not
be
able
to
live
with
such
truths
.
What
is
sure
is
that
I
wavered
;
but
I
thought
of
the
owl
and
I
was
able
to
go
on
.
That
is
,
until
the
day
when
I
saw
an
execution
—
it
was
in
Hungary
—
and
felt
the
same
horror
sweep
over
me
now
I
was
a
man
as
I
had
previously
felt
as
a
child
.
"
You
’
ve
never
seen
a
man
shot
?
No
,
of
course
,
it
’
s
by
invitation
only
and
the
audience
is
handpicked
in
advance
.
Consequently
,
you
know
from
pictures
and
books
—
a
blindfold
,
a
stake
and
,
in
the
distance
,
a
few
soldiers
.
Well
,
no
!
Do
you
realize
that
,
on
the
contrary
,
the
firing
squad
stands
at
one
and
a
half
metres
from
the
condemned
man
?
Do
you
know
that
if
the
condemned
man
took
two
steps
forward
,
the
rifles
would
hit
him
in
the
chest
?
Do
you
know
that
at
this
short
distance
the
members
of
the
firing
squad
concentrate
their
fire
on
the
region
of
the
heart
and
that
all
of
them
with
their
large
-
calibre
bullets
make
a
hole
big
enough
to
put
your
fist
in
?
No
,
you
don
’
t
know
,
because
these
are
details
that
people
don
’
t
speak
about
.
The
sleep
of
men
is
more
sacred
than
life
for
plague
sufferers
.
One
must
not
keep
these
good
people
awake
at
nights
.
That
would
be
in
bad
taste
and
good
taste
is
a
matter
of
not
harping
on
about
it
,
as
everyone
knows
.
But
I
have
not
slept
well
since
that
time
.
The
bad
taste
stayed
in
my
mouth
and
I
haven
’
t
stopped
harping
on
about
it
,
that
is
to
say
,
thinking
.
"
This
is
when
I
at
last
realized
that
I
had
continued
to
be
a
plague
victim
for
all
those
long
years
in
which
,
with
my
heart
and
soul
,
I
thought
I
was
struggling
against
the
plague
.
I
learned
that
I
had
indirectly
supported
the
deaths
of
thousands
of
men
,
that
I
had
even
caused
their
deaths
by
approving
the
actions
and
principles
that
inevitably
led
to
them
.
Other
people
did
not
seem
to
be
bothered
by
this
,
or
at
least
they
did
not
speak
about
it
spontaneously
.
But
it
stuck
in
my
throat
.
I
was
with
them
,
yet
I
was
alone
.
When
I
did
happen
to
express
my
misgivings
,
they
told
me
that
I
had
to
consider
what
was
at
stake
and
often
gave
me
impressive
reasons
for
swallowing
something
that
I
could
not
swallow
.
But
I
replied
that
the
big
plague
sufferers
,
those
who
wear
the
red
robes
,
also
have
excellent
reasons
in
such
cases
,
and
that
if
I
accepted
the
arguments
of
force
majeure
and
other
necessities
put
forward
by
the
little
plague
sufferers
,
then
I
could
not
reject
those
of
the
big
ones
.
They
pointed
out
to
me
that
the
best
way
to
prove
the
red
robes
right
was
to
leave
them
a
monopoly
on
condemnation
.
But
I
decided
that
if
one
gave
way
once
,
there
was
no
reason
to
stop
.
It
seems
that
history
has
shown
that
I
was
right
;
nowadays
it
’
s
a
free
-
for
-
all
in
killing
.
They
are
all
carried
away
by
a
fury
of
killing
and
cannot
do
otherwise
.
"
In
any
case
,
my
business
was
not
argument
.
My
business
was
the
red
-
headed
owl
,
that
dirty
occasion
in
which
dirty
,
plague
-
ridden
mouths
told
a
man
in
chains
that
he
was
to
die
and
arranged
everything
so
that
he
would
,
indeed
,
die
,
after
many
long
nights
of
agony
in
which
he
waited
to
be
killed
with
his
eyes
open
.
My
business
was
the
hole
in
the
chest
.
