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During
the
journey
back
to
England
I
thought
much
of
Strickland
.
I
tried
to
set
in
order
what
I
had
to
tell
his
wife
.
It
was
unsatisfactory
,
and
I
could
not
imagine
that
she
would
be
content
with
me
;
I
was
not
content
with
myself
.
Strickland
perplexed
me
.
I
could
not
understand
his
motives
.
When
I
had
asked
him
what
first
gave
him
the
idea
of
being
a
painter
,
he
was
unable
or
unwilling
to
tell
me
.
I
could
make
nothing
of
it
.
I
tried
to
persuade
myself
than
an
obscure
feeling
of
revolt
had
been
gradually
coming
to
a
head
in
his
slow
mind
,
but
to
challenge
this
was
the
undoubted
fact
that
he
had
never
shown
any
impatience
with
the
monotony
of
his
life
.
If
,
seized
by
an
intolerable
boredom
,
he
had
determined
to
be
a
painter
merely
to
break
with
irksome
ties
,
it
would
have
been
comprehensible
,
and
commonplace
;
but
commonplace
is
precisely
what
I
felt
he
was
not
.
At
last
,
because
I
was
romantic
,
I
devised
an
explanation
which
I
acknowledged
to
be
far
-
fetched
,
but
which
was
the
only
one
that
in
any
way
satisfied
me
.
It
was
this
:
I
asked
myself
whether
there
was
not
in
his
soul
some
deep
-
rooted
instinct
of
creation
,
which
the
circumstances
of
his
life
had
obscured
,
but
which
grew
relentlessly
,
as
a
cancer
may
grow
in
the
living
tissues
,
till
at
last
it
took
possession
of
his
whole
being
and
forced
him
irresistibly
to
action
.
The
cuckoo
lays
its
egg
in
the
strange
bird
’
s
nest
,
and
when
the
young
one
is
hatched
it
shoulders
its
foster
-
brothers
out
and
breaks
at
last
the
nest
that
has
sheltered
it
.
But
how
strange
it
was
that
the
creative
instinct
should
seize
upon
this
dull
stockbroker
,
to
his
own
ruin
,
perhaps
,
and
to
the
misfortune
of
such
as
were
dependent
on
him
;
and
yet
no
stranger
than
the
way
in
which
the
spirit
of
God
has
seized
men
,
powerful
and
rich
,
pursuing
them
with
stubborn
vigilance
till
at
last
,
conquered
,
they
have
abandoned
the
joy
of
the
world
and
the
love
of
women
for
the
painful
austerities
of
the
cloister
.
Conversion
may
come
under
many
shapes
,
and
it
may
be
brought
about
in
many
ways
.
With
some
men
it
needs
a
cataclysm
,
as
a
stone
may
be
broken
to
fragments
by
the
fury
of
a
torrent
;
but
with
some
it
comes
gradually
,
as
a
stone
may
be
worn
away
by
the
ceaseless
fall
of
a
drop
of
water
.
Strickland
had
the
directness
of
the
fanatic
and
the
ferocity
of
the
apostle
.
But
to
my
practical
mind
it
remained
to
be
seen
whether
the
passion
which
obsessed
him
would
be
justified
of
its
works
.
When
I
asked
him
what
his
brother
-
students
at
the
night
classes
he
had
attended
in
London
thought
of
his
painting
,
he
answered
with
a
grin
:
"
They
thought
it
a
joke
.
"
"
Have
you
begun
to
go
to
a
studio
here
?
"
"
Yes
.
The
blighter
came
round
this
morning
—
the
master
,
you
know
;
when
he
saw
my
drawing
he
just
raised
his
eyebrows
and
walked
on
.
"
Strickland
chuckled
.
He
did
not
seem
discouraged
.
He
was
independent
of
the
opinion
of
his
fellows
.
And
it
was
just
that
which
had
most
disconcerted
me
in
my
dealings
with
him
.
When
people
say
they
do
not
care
what
others
think
of
them
,
for
the
most
part
they
deceive
themselves
.
Generally
they
mean
only
that
they
will
do
as
they
choose
,
in
the
confidence
that
no
one
will
know
their
vagaries
;
and
at
the
utmost
only
that
they
are
willing
to
act
contrary
to
the
opinion
of
the
majority
because
they
are
supported
by
the
approval
of
their
neighbours
.
It
is
not
difficult
to
be
unconventional
in
the
eyes
of
the
world
when
your
unconventionality
is
but
the
convention
of
your
set
.
It
affords
you
then
an
inordinate
amount
of
self
-
esteem
.
You
have
the
self
-
satisfaction
of
courage
without
the
inconvenience
of
danger
.
But
the
desire
for
approbation
is
perhaps
the
most
deeply
seated
instinct
of
civilised
man
.
No
one
runs
so
hurriedly
to
the
cover
of
respectability
as
the
unconventional
woman
who
has
exposed
herself
to
the
slings
and
arrows
of
outraged
propriety
.
I
do
not
believe
the
people
who
tell
me
they
do
not
care
a
row
of
pins
for
the
opinion
of
their
fellows
.
It
is
the
bravado
of
ignorance
.
They
mean
only
that
they
do
not
fear
reproaches
for
peccadillos
which
they
are
convinced
none
will
discover
.
But
here
was
a
man
who
sincerely
did
not
mind
what
people
thought
of
him
,
and
so
convention
had
no
hold
on
him
;
he
was
like
a
wrestler
whose
body
is
oiled
;
you
could
not
get
a
grip
on
him
;
it
gave
him
a
freedom
which
was
an
outrage
.
I
remember
saying
to
him
:
