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As
for
worries
,
he
had
honestly
seemed
to
be
even
more
upset
at
what
had
happened
to
Hendrick
than
Zim
had
been
.
And
yet
he
had
n't
even
known
Hendrick
by
sight
;
he
had
been
forced
to
ask
his
name
.
I
had
an
unsettling
feeling
that
I
had
been
completely
mistaken
as
to
the
very
nature
of
the
world
I
was
in
,
as
if
every
part
of
it
was
something
wildly
different
from
what
it
appeared
to
be
--
like
discovering
that
your
own
mother
is
n't
anyone
you
've
ever
seen
before
,
but
a
stranger
in
a
rubber
mask
.
But
I
was
sure
of
one
thing
:
I
did
n't
even
want
to
find
out
what
the
M.
I.
really
was
.
If
it
was
so
tough
that
even
the
gods-that-be
--
sergeants
and
officers
--
were
made
unhappy
by
it
,
it
was
certainly
too
tough
for
Johnnie
!
How
could
you
keep
from
making
mistakes
in
an
outfit
you
did
n't
understand
?
I
did
n't
want
to
swing
by
my
neck
till
I
was
dead
,
dead
,
dead
!
I
did
n't
even
want
to
risk
being
flogged
...
even
though
the
doctor
stands
by
to
make
certain
that
it
does
n't
do
you
any
permanent
injury
.
Nobody
in
our
family
had
ever
been
flogged
(
except
paddlings
in
school
,
of
course
,
which
is
n't
at
all
the
same
thing
)
.
There
were
no
criminals
in
our
family
on
either
side
,
none
who
had
even
been
accused
of
crime
.
We
were
a
proud
family
;
the
only
thing
we
lacked
was
citizenship
and
Father
regarded
that
as
no
real
honor
,
a
vain
and
useless
thing
.
But
if
I
were
flogged
--
Well
,
he
'd
probably
have
a
stroke
.
And
yet
Hendrick
had
n't
done
anything
that
I
had
n't
thought
about
doing
a
thousand
times
.
Why
had
n't
I
?
Timid
,
I
guess
.
I
knew
that
those
instructors
,
any
one
of
them
,
could
beat
the
tar
out
of
me
,
so
I
had
buttoned
my
lip
and
had
n't
tried
it
.
No
guts
,
Johnnie
.
At
least
Ted
Hendrick
had
had
guts
.
I
did
n't
have
...
and
a
man
with
no
guts
has
no
business
in
the
Army
in
the
first
place
.
Besides
that
,
Captain
Frankel
had
n't
even
considered
it
to
be
Ted
's
fault
.
Even
if
I
did
n't
buy
a
9080
,
through
lack
of
guts
,
what
day
would
I
do
something
other
than
a
9080
something
not
my
fault
--
and
wind
up
slumped
against
the
whipping
post
anyhow
?
Time
to
get
out
,
Johnnie
,
while
you
're
still
ahead
.
My
mother
's
letter
simply
confirmed
my
decision
.
I
had
been
able
to
harden
my
heart
to
my
parents
as
long
as
they
were
refusing
me
--
but
when
they
softened
,
I
could
n't
stand
it
.
Or
when
Mother
softened
,
at
least
.
She
had
written
:
but
I
am
afraid
I
must
tell
you
that
your
father
will
still
not
permit
your
name
to
be
mentioned
.
But
,
dearest
,
that
is
his
way
of
grieving
,
since
he
can
not
cry
.
You
must
understand
,
my
darling
baby
,
that
he
loves
you
more
than
life
itself
--
more
than
he
does
me
--
and
that
you
have
hurt
him
very
deeply
.
He
tells
the
world
that
you
are
a
grown
man
,
capable
of
making
your
own
decisions
,
and
that
he
is
proud
of
you
.
But
that
is
his
own
pride
speaking
,
the
bitter
hurt
of
a
proud
man
who
has
been
wounded
deep
in
his
heart
by
the
one
he
loves
best
.
You
must
understand
,
Juanito
,
that
he
does
not
speak
of
you
and
has
not
written
to
you
because
he
can
not
--
not
yet
,
not
till
his
grief
becomes
bearable
.
When
it
has
,
I
will
know
it
,
and
then
I
will
intercede
for
you
--
and
we
will
all
be
together
again
.
Myself
?
How
could
anything
her
baby
boy
does
anger
his
mother
?
You
can
hurt
me
,
but
you
can
not
make
me
love
you
the
less
.
Wherever
you
are
,
whatever
you
choose
to
do
,
you
are
always
my
little
boy
who
bangs
his
knee
and
comes
running
to
my
lap
for
comfort
.
My
lap
has
shrunk
,
or
perhaps
you
have
grown
(
though
I
have
never
believed
it
)
,
but
nonetheless
it
will
always
be
waiting
,
when
you
need
it
.
Little
boys
never
get
over
needing
their
mother
's
laps
--
do
they
,
darling
?
I
hope
not
.
I
hope
that
you
will
write
and
tell
me
so
.
But
I
must
add
that
,
in
view
of
the
terribly
long
time
that
you
have
not
written
,
it
is
probably
best
(
until
I
let
you
know
otherwise
)
for
you
to
write
to
me
care
of
your
Aunt
Eleanora
.
She
will
pass
it
on
to
me
at
once
--
and
without
causing
any
more
upset
.
You
understand
?
