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Отмена
201
I
was
simply
biding
my
time
before
I
could
invest
the
proper
amount
of
energy
and
effort
into
getting
out
there
and
making
my
mark
.
First
I
needed
to
finish
school
.
Then
I
needed
to
make
some
extra
money
to
buy
gear
.
Then
I
needed
to
find
enough
free
time
to
practice
.
Then
I
had
to
network
and
plan
my
first
project
.
Then
.
.
.
and
then
nothing
.
202
Despite
my
fantasizing
about
this
for
over
half
my
lifetime
,
the
reality
never
came
to
fruition
.
And
it
took
me
a
long
time
and
a
lot
of
struggle
to
finally
figure
out
why
:
I
didn
t
actually
want
it
.
203
I
was
in
love
with
the
result
the
image
of
me
on
stage
,
people
cheering
,
me
rocking
out
,
pouring
my
heart
into
what
I
was
playing
but
I
wasn
t
in
love
with
the
process
.
And
because
of
that
,
I
failed
at
it
.
Repeatedly
.
Hell
,
I
didn
t
even
try
hard
enough
to
fail
at
it
.
I
hardly
tried
at
all
.
The
daily
drudgery
of
practicing
,
the
logistics
of
finding
a
group
and
rehearsing
,
the
pain
of
finding
gigs
and
actually
getting
people
to
show
up
and
give
a
shit
,
the
broken
strings
,
the
blown
tube
amp
,
hauling
forty
pounds
of
gear
to
and
from
rehearsals
with
no
car
.
It
s
a
mountain
of
a
dream
and
a
mile
-
high
climb
to
the
top
.
And
what
it
took
me
a
long
time
to
discover
is
that
I
didn
t
like
to
climb
much
.
I
just
liked
to
imagine
the
summit
.
Отключить рекламу
204
The
common
cultural
narratives
would
tell
me
that
I
somehow
failed
myself
,
that
I
m
a
quitter
or
a
loser
,
that
I
just
didn
t
have
it
,
that
I
gave
up
on
my
dream
and
that
maybe
I
let
myself
succumb
to
the
pressures
of
society
205
But
the
truth
is
far
less
interesting
than
any
of
these
explanations
.
The
truth
is
,
I
thought
I
wanted
something
,
but
it
turns
out
I
didn
t
.
End
of
story
.
206
I
wanted
the
reward
and
not
the
struggle
.
I
wanted
the
result
and
not
the
process
.
I
was
in
love
with
not
the
fight
but
only
the
victory
.
207
And
life
doesn
t
work
that
way
.
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208
Who
you
are
is
defined
by
what
you
re
willing
to
struggle
for
.
People
who
enjoy
the
struggles
of
a
gym
are
the
ones
who
run
triathlons
and
have
chiseled
abs
and
can
bench
-
press
a
small
house
.
People
who
enjoy
long
workweeks
and
the
politics
of
the
corporate
ladder
are
the
ones
who
fly
to
the
top
of
it
.
People
who
enjoy
the
stresses
and
uncertainties
of
the
starving
artist
lifestyle
are
ultimately
the
ones
who
live
it
and
make
it
.
209
This
is
not
about
willpower
or
grit
.
This
is
not
another
admonishment
of
no
pain
,
no
gain
.
This
is
the
most
simple
and
basic
component
of
life
:
our
struggles
determine
our
successes
.
Our
problems
birth
our
happiness
,
along
with
slightly
better
,
slightly
upgraded
problems
.
210
See
:
it
s
a
never
-
ending
upward
spiral
.
And
if
you
think
at
any
point
you
re
allowed
to
stop
climbing
,
I
m
afraid
you
re
missing
the
point
.
Because
the
joy
is
in
the
climb
itself
.