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3rd
December
Awoke
late
,
read
the
Scriptures
but
was
apathetic
.
Afterwards
went
and
paced
up
and
down
the
large
hall
.
I
wished
to
meditate
,
but
instead
my
imagination
pictured
an
occurrence
of
four
years
ago
,
when
Dólokhov
,
meeting
me
in
Moscow
after
our
duel
,
said
he
hoped
I
was
enjoying
perfect
peace
of
mind
in
spite
of
my
wife
's
absence
.
At
the
time
I
gave
him
no
answer
.
Now
I
recalled
every
detail
of
that
meeting
and
in
my
mind
gave
him
the
most
malevolent
and
bitter
replies
.
I
recollected
myself
and
drove
away
that
thought
only
when
I
found
myself
glowing
with
anger
,
but
I
did
not
sufficiently
repent
.
Afterwards
Borís
Drubetskóy
came
and
began
relating
various
adventures
.
His
coming
vexed
me
from
the
first
,
and
I
said
something
disagreeable
to
him
.
He
replied
.
I
flared
up
and
said
much
that
was
unpleasant
and
even
rude
to
him
.
He
became
silent
,
and
I
recollected
myself
only
when
it
was
too
late
.
My
God
,
I
can
not
get
on
with
him
at
all
.
The
cause
of
this
is
my
egotism
.
I
set
myself
above
him
and
so
become
much
worse
than
he
,
for
he
is
lenient
to
my
rudeness
while
I
on
the
contrary
nourish
contempt
for
him
.
O
God
,
grant
that
in
his
presence
I
may
rather
see
my
own
vileness
,
and
behave
so
that
he
too
may
benefit
.
After
dinner
I
fell
asleep
and
as
I
was
drowsing
off
I
clearly
heard
a
voice
saying
in
my
left
ear
,
"
Thy
day
!
"
I
dreamed
that
I
was
walking
in
the
dark
and
was
suddenly
surrounded
by
dogs
,
but
I
went
on
undismayed
.
Suddenly
a
smallish
dog
seized
my
left
thigh
with
its
teeth
and
would
not
let
go
.
I
began
to
throttle
it
with
my
hands
.
Scarcely
had
I
torn
it
off
before
another
,
a
bigger
one
,
began
biting
me
.
I
lifted
it
up
,
but
the
higher
I
lifted
it
the
bigger
and
heavier
it
grew
.
And
suddenly
Brother
A.
came
and
,
taking
my
arm
,
led
me
to
a
building
to
enter
which
we
had
to
pass
along
a
narrow
plank
.
I
stepped
on
it
,
but
it
bent
and
gave
way
and
I
began
to
clamber
up
a
fence
which
I
could
scarcely
reach
with
my
hands
.
After
much
effort
I
dragged
myself
up
,
so
that
my
leg
hung
down
on
one
side
and
my
body
on
the
other
.
I
looked
round
and
saw
Brother
A.
standing
on
the
fence
and
pointing
me
to
a
broad
avenue
and
garden
,
and
in
the
garden
was
a
large
and
beautiful
building
.
I
woke
up
.
O
Lord
,
great
Architect
of
Nature
,
help
me
to
tear
from
myself
these
dogs
--
my
passions
especially
the
last
,
which
unites
in
itself
the
strength
of
all
the
former
ones
,
and
aid
me
to
enter
that
temple
of
virtue
to
a
vision
of
which
I
attained
in
my
dream
.
7th
December
I
dreamed
that
Joseph
Alexéevich
was
sitting
in
my
house
,
and
that
I
was
very
glad
and
wished
to
entertain
him
.
It
seemed
as
if
I
chattered
incessantly
with
other
people
and
suddenly
remembered
that
this
could
not
please
him
,
and
I
wished
to
come
close
to
him
and
embrace
him
.
But
as
soon
as
I
drew
near
I
saw
that
his
face
had
changed
and
grown
young
,
and
he
was
quietly
telling
me
something
about
the
teaching
of
our
order
,
but
so
softly
that
I
could
not
hear
it
.
Then
it
seemed
that
we
all
left
the
room
and
something
strange
happened
.
We
were
sitting
or
lying
on
the
floor
.
He
was
telling
me
something
,
and
I
wished
to
show
him
my
sensibility
,
and
not
listening
to
what
he
was
saying
I
began
picturing
to
myself
the
condition
of
my
inner
man
and
the
grace
of
God
sanctifying
me
.
And
tears
came
into
my
eyes
,
and
I
was
glad
he
noticed
this
.
But
he
looked
at
me
with
vexation
and
jumped
up
,
breaking
off
his
remarks
.
I
felt
abashed
and
asked
whether
what
he
had
been
saying
did
not
concern
me
;
but
he
did
not
reply
,
gave
me
a
kind
look
,
and
then
we
suddenly
found
ourselves
in
my
bedroom
where
there
is
a
double
bed
.
He
lay
down
on
the
edge
of
it
and
I
burned
with
longing
to
caress
him
and
lie
down
too
.
And
he
said
,
"
Tell
me
frankly
what
is
your
chief
temptation
?
Do
you
know
it
?
I
think
you
know
it
already
.
"
Abashed
by
this
question
,
I
replied
that
sloth
was
my
chief
temptation
.
He
shook
his
head
incredulously
;
and
even
more
abashed
,
I
said
that
though
I
was
living
with
my
wife
as
he
advised
,
I
was
not
living
with
her
as
her
husband
.
To
this
he
replied
that
one
should
not
deprive
a
wife
of
one
's
embraces
and
gave
me
to
understand
that
that
was
my
duty
.
But
I
replied
that
I
should
be
ashamed
to
do
it
,
and
suddenly
everything
vanished
.
And
I
awoke
and
found
in
my
mind
the
text
from
the
Gospel
:
"
The
life
was
the
light
of
men
.
And
the
light
shineth
in
darkness
;
and
the
darkness
comprehended
it
not
.
"
Joseph
Alexéevich
's
face
had
looked
young
and
bright
.
That
day
I
received
a
letter
from
my
benefactor
in
which
he
wrote
about
"
conjugal
duties
.
"
9th
December
I
had
a
dream
from
which
I
awoke
with
a
throbbing
heart
.
I
saw
that
I
was
in
Moscow
in
my
house
,
in
the
big
sitting
room
,
and
Joseph
Alexéevich
came
in
from
the
drawing
room
.
I
seemed
to
know
at
once
that
the
process
of
regeneration
had
already
taken
place
in
him
,
and
I
rushed
to
meet
him
