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But
then
,
when
he
turned
from
life
itself
to
glance
at
it
again
,
it
fell
away
too
,
and
proved
to
be
the
same
muslin
garment
with
no
warmth
in
it
.
His
brother
Sergey
Ivanovitch
advised
him
to
read
the
theological
works
of
Homiakov
.
Levin
read
the
second
volume
of
Homiakov
’
s
works
,
and
in
spite
of
the
elegant
,
epigrammatic
,
argumentative
style
which
at
first
repelled
him
,
he
was
impressed
by
the
doctrine
of
the
church
he
found
in
them
.
He
was
struck
at
first
by
the
idea
that
the
apprehension
of
divine
truths
had
not
been
vouchsafed
to
man
,
but
to
a
corporation
of
men
bound
together
by
love
—
to
the
church
.
What
delighted
him
was
the
thought
how
much
easier
it
was
to
believe
in
a
still
existing
living
church
,
embracing
all
the
beliefs
of
men
,
and
having
God
at
its
head
,
and
therefore
holy
and
infallible
,
and
from
it
to
accept
the
faith
in
God
,
in
the
creation
,
the
fall
,
the
redemption
,
than
to
begin
with
God
,
a
mysterious
,
far
-
away
God
,
the
creation
,
etc
.
But
afterwards
,
on
reading
a
Catholic
writer
’
s
history
of
the
church
,
and
then
a
Greek
orthodox
writer
’
s
history
of
the
church
,
and
seeing
that
the
two
churches
,
in
their
very
conception
infallible
,
each
deny
the
authority
of
the
other
,
Homiakov
’
s
doctrine
of
the
church
lost
all
its
charm
for
him
,
and
this
edifice
crumbled
into
dust
like
the
philosophers
’
edifices
.
All
that
spring
he
was
not
himself
,
and
went
through
fearful
moments
of
horror
.
“
Without
knowing
what
I
am
and
why
I
am
here
,
life
’
s
impossible
;
and
that
I
can
’
t
know
,
and
so
I
can
’
t
live
,
”
Levin
said
to
himself
“
In
infinite
time
,
in
infinite
matter
,
in
infinite
space
,
is
formed
a
bubble
-
organism
,
and
that
bubble
lasts
a
while
and
bursts
,
and
that
bubble
is
Me
.
”
It
was
an
agonizing
error
,
but
it
was
the
sole
logical
result
of
ages
of
human
thought
in
that
direction
.
This
was
the
ultimate
belief
on
which
all
the
systems
elaborated
by
human
thought
in
almost
all
their
ramifications
rested
.
It
was
the
prevalent
conviction
,
and
of
all
other
explanations
Levin
had
unconsciously
,
not
knowing
when
or
how
,
chosen
it
,
as
anyway
the
clearest
,
and
made
it
his
own
.
But
it
was
not
merely
a
falsehood
,
it
was
the
cruel
jeer
of
some
wicked
power
,
some
evil
,
hateful
power
,
to
whom
one
could
not
submit
.
He
must
escape
from
this
power
.
And
the
means
of
escape
every
man
had
in
his
own
hands
.
He
had
but
to
cut
short
this
dependence
on
evil
.
And
there
was
one
means
—
death
.
And
Levin
,
a
happy
father
and
husband
,
in
perfect
health
,
was
several
times
so
near
suicide
that
he
hid
the
cord
that
he
might
not
be
tempted
to
hang
himself
,
and
was
afraid
to
go
out
with
his
gun
for
fear
of
shooting
himself
.
