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What
was
it
that
ailed
me
?
Was
the
hand
of
the
Lord
turned
against
me
?
But
why
just
against
me
?
Why
,
for
that
matter
,
not
just
as
well
against
a
man
in
South
America
?
When
I
considered
the
matter
over
,
it
grew
more
and
more
incomprehensible
to
me
that
I
of
all
others
should
be
selected
as
an
experiment
for
a
Creator
's
whims
.
It
was
,
to
say
the
least
of
it
,
a
peculiar
mode
of
procedure
to
pass
over
a
whole
world
of
other
humans
in
order
to
reach
me
.
Why
not
select
just
as
well
Bookseller
Pascha
,
or
Hennechen
the
steam
agent
?
As
I
went
my
way
I
sifted
this
thing
,
and
could
not
get
quit
of
it
.
I
found
the
most
weighty
arguments
against
the
Creator
's
arbitrariness
in
letting
me
pay
for
all
the
others
'
sins
.
Even
after
I
had
found
a
seat
and
sat
down
,
the
query
persisted
in
occupying
me
,
and
prevented
me
from
thinking
of
aught
else
.
From
the
day
in
May
when
my
ill-luck
began
I
could
so
clearly
notice
my
gradually
increasing
debility
;
I
had
become
,
as
it
were
,
too
languid
to
control
or
lead
myself
whither
I
would
go
.
A
swarm
of
tiny
noxious
animals
had
bored
a
way
into
my
inner
man
and
hollowed
me
out
.
Supposing
God
Almighty
simply
intended
to
annihilate
me
?
I
got
up
and
paced
backwards
and
forwards
before
the
seat
.
My
whole
being
was
at
this
moment
in
the
highest
degree
of
torture
,
I
had
pains
in
my
arms
,
and
could
hardly
bear
to
hold
them
in
the
usual
way
.
I
experienced
also
great
discomfort
from
my
last
full
meal
;
I
was
oversated
,
and
walked
backwards
and
forwards
without
looking
up
.
The
people
who
came
and
went
around
me
glided
past
me
like
faint
gleams
.
At
last
my
seat
was
taken
up
by
two
men
,
who
lit
cigars
and
began
to
talk
loudly
together
.
I
got
angry
and
was
on
the
point
of
addressing
them
,
but
turned
on
my
heel
and
went
right
to
the
other
end
of
the
Park
,
and
found
another
seat
.
I
sat
down
.
The
thought
of
God
began
to
occupy
me
.
It
seemed
to
me
in
the
highest
degree
indefensible
of
Him
to
interfere
every
time
I
sought
for
a
place
,
and
to
upset
the
whole
thing
,
while
all
the
time
I
was
but
imploring
enough
for
a
daily
meal
.
I
had
remarked
so
plainly
that
,
whenever
I
had
been
hungry
for
any
length
of
time
,
it
was
just
as
if
my
brains
ran
quite
gently
out
of
my
head
and
left
me
with
a
vacuum
--
my
head
grew
light
and
far
off
,
I
no
longer
felt
its
weight
on
my
shoulders
,
and
I
had
a
consciousness
that
my
eyes
stared
far
too
widely
open
when
I
looked
at
anything
.
I
sat
there
on
the
seat
and
pondered
over
all
this
,
and
grew
more
and
more
bitter
against
God
for
His
prolonged
inflictions
.
If
He
meant
to
draw
me
nearer
to
Him
,
and
make
me
better
by
exhausting
me
and
placing
obstacle
after
obstacle
in
my
way
,
I
could
assure
Him
He
made
a
slight
mistake
.
And
,
almost
crying
with
defiance
,
I
looked
up
towards
Heaven
and
told
Him
so
mentally
,
once
and
for
all
.
Fragments
of
the
teachings
of
my
childhood
ran
through
my
memory
.
The
rhythmical
sound
of
Biblical
language
sang
in
my
ears
,
and
I
talked
quite
softly
to
myself
,
and
held
my
head
sneeringly
askew
.
Wherefore
should
I
sorrow
for
what
I
eat
,
for
what
I
drink
,
or
for
what
I
may
array
this
miserable
food
for
worms
called
my
earthy
body
?
Hath
not
my
Heavenly
Father
provided
for
me
,
even
as
for
the
sparrow
on
the
housetop
,
and
hath
He
not
in
His
graciousness
pointed
towards
His
lowly
servitor
?
The
Lord
stuck
His
finger
in
the
net
of
my
nerves
gently
--
yea
,
verily
,
in
desultory
fashion
--
and
brought
slight
disorder
among
the
threads
.
And
then
the
Lord
withdrew
His
finger
,
and
there
were
fibres
and
delicate
root-like
filaments
adhering
to
the
finger
,
and
they
were
the
nerve-threads
of
the
filaments
.
And
there
was
a
gaping
hole
after
the
finger
,
which
was
God
's
finger
,
and
a
wound
in
my
brain
in
the
track
of
His
finger
.
But
when
God
had
touched
me
with
His
finger
,
He
let
me
be
,
and
touched
me
no
more
,
and
let
no
evil
befall
me
;
but
let
me
depart
in
peace
,
and
let
me
depart
with
the
gaping
hole
.
And
no
evil
hath
befallen
me
from
the
God
who
is
the
Lord
God
of
all
Eternity
.
