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- Стр. 18/57
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Throughout
my
agony
I
never
dreamed
of
resorting
to
a
direct
question
,
much
less
a
reproach
.
Even
during
the
period
of
joyful
anticipation
some
fear
of
breaking
the
spell
had
kept
me
from
any
bald
circus
talk
in
the
presence
of
them
.
But
Harold
,
who
was
built
in
quite
another
way
,
so
soon
as
he
discerned
the
drift
of
their
conversation
and
heard
the
knell
of
all
his
hopes
,
filled
the
room
with
wail
and
clamour
of
bereavement
.
The
grinning
welkin
rang
with
“
Circus
!
”
“
Circus
!
”
shook
the
window
-
panes
;
the
mocking
walls
re
-
echoed
“
Circus
!
”
Circus
he
would
have
,
and
the
whole
circus
,
and
nothing
but
the
circus
.
No
compromise
for
him
,
no
evasions
,
no
fallacious
,
unsecured
promises
to
pay
.
He
had
drawn
his
cheque
on
the
Bank
of
Expectation
,
and
it
had
got
to
be
cashed
then
and
there
;
else
he
would
yell
,
and
yell
himself
into
a
fit
,
and
come
out
of
it
and
yell
again
.
Yelling
should
be
his
profession
,
his
art
,
his
mission
,
his
career
.
He
was
qualified
,
he
was
resolute
,
and
he
was
in
no
hurry
to
retire
from
the
business
.
The
noisy
ones
of
the
world
,
if
they
do
not
always
shout
themselves
into
the
imperial
purple
,
are
sure
at
least
of
receiving
attention
.
If
they
cannot
sell
everything
at
their
own
price
,
one
thing
—
silence
—
must
,
at
any
cost
,
be
purchased
of
them
.
Harold
accordingly
had
to
be
consoled
by
the
employment
of
every
specious
fallacy
and
base
-
born
trick
known
to
those
whose
doom
it
is
to
handle
children
.
For
me
their
hollow
cajolery
had
no
interest
,
I
could
pluck
no
consolation
out
of
their
bankrupt
though
prodigal
pledges
I
only
waited
till
that
hateful
,
well
-
known
“
Some
other
time
,
dear
!
”
told
me
that
hope
was
finally
dead
.
Then
I
left
the
room
without
any
remark
.
It
made
it
worse
—
if
anything
could
—
to
hear
that
stale
,
worn
-
out
old
phrase
,
still
supposed
by
those
dullards
to
have
some
efficacy
.
To
nature
,
as
usual
,
I
drifted
by
instinct
,
and
there
,
out
of
the
track
of
humanity
,
under
a
friendly
hedge
-
row
had
my
black
hour
unseen
.
The
world
was
a
globe
no
longer
,
space
was
no
more
filled
with
whirling
circuses
of
spheres
.
That
day
the
old
beliefs
rose
up
and
asserted
themselves
,
and
the
earth
was
flat
again
—
ditch
-
riddled
,
stagnant
,
and
deadly
flat
.
The
undeviating
roads
crawled
straight
and
white
,
elms
dressed
themselves
stiffly
along
inflexible
hedges
,
all
nature
,
centrifugal
no
longer
,
sprawled
flatly
in
lines
out
to
its
farthest
edge
,
and
I
felt
just
like
walking
out
to
that
terminus
,
and
dropping
quietly
off
.
Then
,
as
I
sat
there
,
morosely
chewing
bits
of
stick
,
the
recollection
came
back
to
me
of
certain
fascinating
advertisements
I
had
spelled
out
in
the
papers
—
advertisements
of
great
and
happy
men
,
owning
big
ships
of
tonnage
running
into
four
figures
,
who
yet
craved
,
to
the
extent
of
public
supplication
,
for
the
sympathetic
co
-
operation
of
youths
as
apprentices
.
I
did
not
rightly
know
what
apprentices
might
be
,
nor
whether
I
was
yet
big
enough
to
be
styled
a
youth
;
but
one
thing
seemed
clear
,
that
,
by
some
such
means
as
this
,
whatever
the
intervening
hardships
,
I
could
eventually
visit
all
the
circuses
of
the
world
—
the
circuses
of
merry
France
and
gaudy
Spain
,
of
Holland
and
Bohemia
,
of
China
and
Peru
.
Here
was
a
plan
worth
thinking
out
in
all
its
bearings
;
for
something
had
presently
to
be
done
to
end
this
intolerable
state
of
things
.
Mid
-
day
,
and
even
feeding
-
time
,
passed
by
gloomily
enough
,
till
a
small
disturbance
occurred
which
had
the
effect
of
releasing
some
of
the
electricity
with
which
the
air
was
charged
.
Harold
,
it
should
be
explained
,
was
of
a
very
different
mental
mould
,
and
never
brooded
,
moped
,
nor
ate
his
heart
out
over
any
disappointment
.
One
wild
outburst
—
one
dissolution
of
a
minute
into
his
original
elements
of
air
and
water
,
of
tears
and
outcry
—
so
much
insulted
nature
claimed
.
Then
he
would
pull
himself
together
,
iron
out
his
countenance
with
a
smile
,
and
adjust
himself
to
the
new
condition
of
things
.
If
the
gods
are
ever
grateful
to
man
for
anything
,
it
is
when
he
is
so
good
as
to
display
a
short
memory
.
The
Olympians
were
never
slow
to
recognize
this
quality
of
Harold
’
s
,
in
which
,
indeed
,
their
salvation
lay
,
and
on
this
occasion
their
gratitude
had
taken
the
practical
form
of
a
fine
fat
orange
,
tough
-
rinded
as
oranges
of
those
days
were
wont
to
be
.
This
he
had
eviscerated
in
the
good
old
-
fashioned
manner
,
by
biting
out
a
hole
in
the
shoulder
,
inserting
a
lump
of
sugar
therein
,
and
then
working
it
cannily
till
the
whole
soul
and
body
of
the
orange
passed
glorified
through
the
sugar
into
his
being
.
Thereupon
,
filled
full
of
orange
-
juice
and
iniquity
,
he
conceived
a
deadly
snare
.
Having
deftly
patted
and
squeezed
the
orange
-
skin
till
it
resumed
its
original
shape
,
he
filled
it
up
with
water
,
inserted
a
fresh
lump
of
sugar
in
the
orifice
,
and
,
issuing
forth
,
blandly
proffered
it
to
me
as
I
sat
moodily
in
the
doorway
dreaming
of
strange
wild
circuses
under
tropic
skies
.
Such
a
stale
old
dodge
as
this
would
hardly
have
taken
me
in
at
ordinary
moments
.
But
Harold
had
reckoned
rightly
upon
the
disturbing
effect
of
ill
-
humour
,
and
had
guessed
,
perhaps
,
that
I
thirsted
for
comfort
and
consolation
,
and
would
not
criticise
too
closely
the
source
from
which
they
came
.
Unthinkingly
I
grasped
the
golden
fraud
,
which
collapsed
at
my
touch
,
and
squirted
its
contents
into
my
eyes
and
over
my
collar
,
till
the
nethermost
parts
of
me
were
damp
with
the
water
that
had
run
down
my
neck
.
In
an
instant
I
had
Harold
down
,
and
,
with
all
the
energy
of
which
I
was
capable
,
devoted
myself
to
grinding
his
head
into
the
gravel
;
while
he
,
realizing
that
the
closure
was
applied
,
and
that
the
time
for
discussion
or
argument
was
past
,
sternly
concentrated
his
powers
on
kicking
me
in
the
stomach
.
