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Before
anybody
can
turn
to
look
for
me
I
duck
back
in
the
mop
closet
,
jerk
the
door
shut
dark
after
me
,
hold
my
breath
.
Shaving
before
you
get
breakfast
is
the
worst
time
.
When
you
got
something
under
your
belt
you
're
stronger
and
more
wide
awake
,
and
the
bastards
who
work
for
the
Combine
are
n't
so
apt
to
slip
one
of
their
machines
in
on
you
in
place
of
an
electric
shaver
.
But
when
you
shave
before
breakfast
like
she
has
me
do
some
mornings
--
six-thirty
in
the
morning
in
a
room
all
white
walls
and
white
basins
,
and
long-tube-lights
in
the
ceiling
making
sure
there
are
n't
any
shadows
,
and
faces
all
round
you
trapped
screaming
behind
the
mirrors
--
then
what
chance
you
got
against
one
of
their
machines
?
I
hide
in
the
mop
closet
and
listen
,
my
heart
beating
in
the
dark
,
and
I
try
to
keep
from
getting
scared
,
try
to
get
my
thoughts
off
someplace
else
--
try
to
think
back
and
remember
things
about
the
village
and
the
big
Columbia
River
,
think
about
ah
one
time
Papa
and
me
were
hunting
birds
in
a
stand
of
cedar
trees
near
The
Dalles
...
.
But
like
always
when
I
try
to
place
my
thoughts
in
the
past
and
hide
there
,
the
fear
close
at
hand
seeps
in
through
the
memory
.
I
can
feel
that
least
black
boy
out
there
coming
up
the
hall
,
smelling
out
for
my
fear
.
He
opens
out
his
nostrils
like
black
funnels
,
his
outsized
head
bobbing
this
way
and
that
as
he
sniffs
,
and
he
sucks
in
fear
from
all
over
the
ward
.
He
's
smelling
me
now
,
I
can
hear
him
snort
.
He
do
n't
know
where
I
'm
hid
,
but
he
's
smelling
and
he
's
hunting
around
.
I
try
to
keep
still
...
.
(
Papa
tells
me
to
keep
still
,
tells
me
that
the
dog
senses
a
bird
somewheres
right
close
.
We
borrowed
a
pointer
dog
from
a
man
in
The
Dalles
.
All
the
village
dogs
are
no
-
'
count
mongrels
,
Papa
says
,
fish-gut
eaters
and
no
class
a-tall
;
this
here
dog
,
he
got
insteek
!
I
do
n't
say
anything
,
but
I
already
see
the
bird
up
in
a
scrub
cedar
,
hunched
in
a
gray
knot
of
feathers
.
Dog
running
in
circles
underneath
,
too
much
smell
around
for
him
to
point
for
sure
.
The
bird
safe
as
long
as
he
keeps
still
.
He
's
holding
out
pretty
good
,
but
the
dog
keeps
sniffing
and
circling
,
louder
and
closer
.
Then
the
bird
breaks
,
feathers
springing
,
jumps
out
of
the
cedar
into
the
birdshot
from
Papa
's
gun
.
)
The
least
black
boy
and
one
of
the
bigger
ones
catch
me
before
I
get
ten
steps
out
of
the
mop
closet
,
and
drag
me
back
to
the
shaving
room
.
I
do
n't
fight
or
make
any
noise
.
If
you
yell
it
's
just
tougher
on
you
.
I
hold
back
the
yelling
.
I
hold
back
till
they
get
to
my
temples
.
I
'm
not
sure
it
's
one
of
those
substitute
machines
and
not
a
shaver
till
it
gets
to
my
temples
;
then
I
ca
n't
hold
back
.
It
's
not
a
will-power
thing
any
more
when
they
get
to
my
temples
.
It
's
a.
.
.
button
,
pushed
,
says
Air
Raid
Air
Raid
,
turns
me
on
so
loud
it
's
like
no
sound
,
everybody
yelling
at
me
,
hands
over
their
ears
from
behind
a
glass
wall
,
faces
working
around
in
talk
circles
but
no
sound
from
the
mouths
.
My
sound
soaks
up
all
other
sound
.
They
start
the
fog
machine
again
and
it
's
snowing
down
cold
and
white
all
over
me
like
skim
milk
,
so
thick
I
might
even
be
able
to
hide
in
it
if
they
did
n't
have
a
hold
on
me
.
I
ca
n't
see
six
inches
in
front
of
me
through
the
fog
and
the
only
thing
I
can
hear
over
the
wail
I
'm
making
is
the
Big
Nurse
whoop
and
charge
up
the
hall
while
she
crashes
patients
outta
her
way
with
that
wicker
bag
.
I
hear
her
coming
but
I
still
ca
n't
hush
my
hollering
.
I
holler
till
she
gets
there
.
They
hold
me
down
while
she
jams
wicker
bag
and
all
into
my
mouth
and
shoves
it
down
with
a
mop
handle
.
(
A
bluetick
hound
bays
out
there
in
the
fog
,
running
scared
and
lost
because
he
ca
n't
see
.
No
tracks
on
the
ground
but
the
ones
he
's
making
,
and
he
sniffs
in
every
direction
with
his
cold
red-rubber
nose
and
picks
up
no
scent
but
his
own
fear
,
fear
burning
down
into
him
like
steam
.
)
It
's
gon
na
burn
me
just
that
way
,
finally
telling
about
all
this
,
about
the
hospital
,
and
her
,
and
the
guys
--
and
about
McMurphy
.
I
been
silent
so
long
now
it
's
gon
na
roar
out
of
me
like
floodwaters
and
you
think
the
guy
telling
this
is
ranting
and
raving
my
God
;
you
think
this
is
too
horrible
to
have
really
happened
,
this
is
too
awful
to
be
the
truth
!
But
,
please
.
It
's
still
hard
for
me
to
have
a
clear
mind
thinking
on
it
.
But
it
's
the
truth
even
if
it
did
n't
happen
.
When
the
fog
clears
to
where
I
can
see
,
I
'm
sitting
in
the
day
room
.
They
did
n't
take
me
to
the
Shock
Shop
this
time
.
I
remember
they
took
me
out
of
the
shaving
room
and
locked
me
in
Seclusion
.
I
do
n't
remember
if
I
got
breakfast
or
not
.
Probably
not
.
I
can
call
to
mind
some
mornings
locked
in
Seclusion
the
black
boys
keep
bringing
seconds
of
everything
--
supposed
to
be
for
me
,
but
they
eat
it
instead
--
till
all
three
of
them
get
breakfast
while
I
lie
there
on
that
pee-stinking
mattress
,
watching
them
wipe
up
egg
with
toast
.
I
can
smell
the
grease
and
hear
them
chew
the
toast
.
Other
mornings
they
bring
me
cold
mush
and
force
me
to
eat
it
without
it
even
being
salted
.
This
morning
I
plain
do
n't
remember
.
They
got
enough
of
those
things
they
call
pills
down
me
so
I
do
n't
know
a
thing
till
I
hear
the
ward
door
open
.
That
ward
door
opening
means
it
's
at
least
eight
o'clock
,
means
there
's
been
maybe
an
hour
and
a
half
I
was
out
cold
in
that
Seclusion
Room
when
the
technicians
could
of
come
in
and
installed
anything
the
Big
Nurse
ordered
and
I
would
n't
have
the
slightest
notion
what
.
I
hear
noise
at
the
ward
door
,
off
up
the
hall
out
of
my
sight
.
That
ward
door
starts
opening
at
eight
and
opens
and
closes
a
thousand
times
a
day
,
kashash
,
click
.
Every
morning
we
sit
lined
up
on
each
side
of
the
day
room
,
mixing
jigsaw
puzzles
after
breakfast
,
listen
for
a
key
to
hit
the
lock
,
and
wait
to
see
what
's
coming
in
.
There
's
not
a
whole
lot
else
to
do
.
Sometimes
,
at
the
door
,
it
's
a
young
resident
in
early
so
he
can
watch
what
we
're
like
Before
Medication
.
BM
,
they
call
it
.
Sometimes
it
's
a
wife
visiting
there
on
high
heels
with
her
purse
held
tight
over
her
belly
.
