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"
But
it
was
all
horrible
.
I
had
not
expected
the
suffering
.
A
night
of
racking
anguish
,
sickness
and
fainting
.
I
set
my
teeth
,
though
my
skin
was
presently
afire
,
all
my
body
afire
;
but
I
lay
there
like
grim
death
.
I
understood
now
how
it
was
the
cat
had
howled
until
I
chloroformed
it
.
Lucky
it
was
I
lived
alone
and
untended
in
my
room
.
There
were
times
when
I
sobbed
and
groaned
and
talked
.
But
I
stuck
to
it
...
I
became
insensible
and
woke
languid
in
the
darkness
.
"
The
pain
had
passed
.
I
thought
I
was
killing
myself
and
I
did
not
care
.
I
shall
never
forget
that
dawn
,
and
the
strange
horror
of
seeing
that
my
hands
had
become
as
clouded
glass
,
and
watching
them
grow
clearer
and
thinner
as
the
day
went
by
,
until
at
last
I
could
see
the
sickly
disorder
of
my
room
through
them
,
though
I
closed
my
transparent
eyelids
.
My
limbs
became
glassy
,
the
bones
and
arteries
faded
,
vanished
,
and
the
little
white
nerves
went
last
.
I
gritted
my
teeth
and
stayed
there
to
the
end
.
At
last
only
the
dead
tips
of
the
fingernails
remained
,
pallid
and
white
,
and
the
brown
stain
of
some
acid
upon
my
fingers
.
"
I
struggled
up
.
At
first
I
was
as
incapable
as
a
swathed
infant
--
stepping
with
limbs
I
could
not
see
.
I
was
weak
and
very
hungry
.
I
went
and
stared
at
nothing
in
my
shaving-glass
,
at
nothing
save
where
an
attenuated
pigment
still
remained
behind
the
retina
of
my
eyes
,
fainter
than
mist
.
I
had
to
hang
on
to
the
table
and
press
my
forehead
against
the
glass
.
"
It
was
only
by
a
frantic
effort
of
will
that
I
dragged
myself
back
to
the
apparatus
and
completed
the
process
.
"
I
slept
during
the
forenoon
,
pulling
the
sheet
over
my
eyes
to
shut
out
the
light
,
and
about
midday
I
was
awakened
again
by
a
knocking
.
My
strength
had
returned
.
I
sat
up
and
listened
and
heard
a
whispering
.
I
sprang
to
my
feet
and
as
noiselessly
as
possible
began
to
detach
the
connections
of
my
apparatus
,
and
to
distribute
it
about
the
room
,
so
as
to
destroy
the
suggestions
of
its
arrangement
.
Presently
the
knocking
was
renewed
and
voices
called
,
first
my
landlord
's
,
and
then
two
others
.
To
gain
time
I
answered
them
.
The
invisible
rag
and
pillow
came
to
hand
and
I
opened
the
window
and
pitched
them
out
on
to
the
cistern
cover
.
As
the
window
opened
,
a
heavy
crash
came
at
the
door
.
Someone
had
charged
it
with
the
idea
of
smashing
the
lock
.
But
the
stout
bolts
I
had
screwed
up
some
days
before
stopped
him
.
That
startled
me
,
made
me
angry
.
I
began
to
tremble
and
do
things
hurriedly
.
"
I
tossed
together
some
loose
paper
,
straw
,
packing
paper
and
so
forth
,
in
the
middle
of
the
room
,
and
turned
on
the
gas
.
Heavy
blows
began
to
rain
upon
the
door
.
I
could
not
find
the
matches
.
I
beat
my
hands
on
the
wall
with
rage
.
I
turned
down
the
gas
again
,
stepped
out
of
the
window
on
the
cistern
cover
,
very
softly
lowered
the
sash
,
and
sat
down
,
secure
and
invisible
,
but
quivering
with
anger
,
to
watch
events
.
They
split
a
panel
,
I
saw
,
and
in
another
moment
they
had
broken
away
the
staples
of
the
bolts
and
stood
in
the
open
doorway
.
It
was
the
landlord
and
his
two
step-sons
,
sturdy
young
men
of
three
or
four
and
twenty
.
Behind
them
fluttered
the
old
hag
of
a
woman
from
downstairs
.
"
You
may
imagine
their
astonishment
to
find
the
room
empty
.
One
of
the
younger
men
rushed
to
the
window
at
once
,
flung
it
up
and
stared
out
.
His
staring
eyes
and
thick-lipped
bearded
face
came
a
foot
from
my
face
.
I
was
half
minded
to
hit
his
silly
countenance
,
but
I
arrested
my
doubled
fist
.
He
stared
right
through
me
.
So
did
the
others
as
they
joined
him
.
The
old
man
went
and
peered
under
the
bed
,
and
then
they
all
made
a
rush
for
the
cupboard
.
They
had
to
argue
about
it
at
length
in
Yiddish
and
Cockney
English
.
They
concluded
I
had
not
answered
them
,
that
their
imagination
had
deceived
them
.
A
feeling
of
extraordinary
elation
took
the
place
of
my
anger
as
I
sat
outside
the
window
and
watched
these
four
people
--
for
the
old
lady
came
in
,
glancing
suspiciously
about
her
like
a
cat
,
trying
to
understand
the
riddle
of
my
behaviour
.
"
The
old
man
,
so
far
as
I
could
understand
his
patois
,
agreed
with
the
old
lady
that
I
was
a
vivisectionist
.
The
sons
protested
in
garbled
English
that
I
was
an
electrician
,
and
appealed
to
the
dynamos
and
radiators
.
They
were
all
nervous
about
my
arrival
,
although
I
found
subsequently
that
they
had
bolted
the
front
door
.
The
old
lady
peered
into
the
cupboard
and
under
the
bed
,
and
one
of
the
young
men
pushed
up
the
register
and
stared
up
the
chimney
.
One
of
my
fellow
lodgers
,
a
coster-monger
who
shared
the
opposite
room
with
a
butcher
,
appeared
on
the
landing
,
and
he
was
called
in
and
told
incoherent
things
.
