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"
I
will
not
deceive
you
.
'
Reality
'
got
me
so
entrapped
in
its
meshes
now
and
again
during
the
past
six
months
,
that
I
forgot
my
'
sentence
'
(
or
perhaps
I
did
not
wish
to
think
of
it
)
,
and
actually
busied
myself
with
affairs
.
"
A
word
as
to
my
circumstances
.
When
,
eight
months
since
,
I
became
very
ill
,
I
threw
up
all
my
old
connections
and
dropped
all
my
old
companions
.
As
I
was
always
a
gloomy
,
morose
sort
of
individual
,
my
friends
easily
forgot
me
;
of
course
,
they
would
have
forgotten
me
all
the
same
,
without
that
excuse
.
My
position
at
home
was
solitary
enough
.
Five
months
ago
I
separated
myself
entirely
from
the
family
,
and
no
one
dared
enter
my
room
except
at
stated
times
,
to
clean
and
tidy
it
,
and
so
on
,
and
to
bring
me
my
meals
.
My
mother
dared
not
disobey
me
;
she
kept
the
children
quiet
,
for
my
sake
,
and
beat
them
if
they
dared
to
make
any
noise
and
disturb
me
.
I
so
often
complained
of
them
that
I
should
think
they
must
be
very
fond
,
indeed
,
of
me
by
this
time
.
I
think
I
must
have
tormented
'
my
faithful
Colia
'
(
as
I
called
him
)
a
good
deal
too
.
He
tormented
me
of
late
;
I
could
see
that
he
always
bore
my
tempers
as
though
he
had
determined
to
'
spare
the
poor
invalid
.
'
This
annoyed
me
,
naturally
.
He
seemed
to
have
taken
it
into
his
head
to
imitate
the
prince
in
Christian
meekness
!
Surikoff
,
who
lived
above
us
,
annoyed
me
,
too
.
He
was
so
miserably
poor
,
and
I
used
to
prove
to
him
that
he
had
no
one
to
blame
but
himself
for
his
poverty
.
I
used
to
be
so
angry
that
I
think
I
frightened
him
eventually
,
for
he
stopped
coming
to
see
me
.
He
was
a
most
meek
and
humble
fellow
,
was
Surikoff
.
(
N.B.
--
They
say
that
meekness
is
a
great
power
.
I
must
ask
the
prince
about
this
,
for
the
expression
is
his
.
)
But
I
remember
one
day
in
March
,
when
I
went
up
to
his
lodgings
to
see
whether
it
was
true
that
one
of
his
children
had
been
starved
and
frozen
to
death
,
I
began
to
hold
forth
to
him
about
his
poverty
being
his
own
fault
,
and
,
in
the
course
of
my
remarks
,
I
accidentally
smiled
at
the
corpse
of
his
child
.
Well
,
the
poor
wretch
's
lips
began
to
tremble
,
and
he
caught
me
by
the
shoulder
,
and
pushed
me
to
the
door
.
'
Go
out
,
'
he
said
,
in
a
whisper
.
I
went
out
,
of
course
,
and
I
declare
I
liked
it
.
I
liked
it
at
the
very
moment
when
I
was
turned
out
.
But
his
words
filled
me
with
a
strange
sort
of
feeling
of
disdainful
pity
for
him
whenever
I
thought
of
them
--
a
feeling
which
I
did
not
in
the
least
desire
to
entertain
.
At
the
very
moment
of
the
insult
(
for
I
admit
that
I
did
insult
him
,
though
I
did
not
mean
to
)
,
this
man
could
not
lose
his
temper
.
His
lips
had
trembled
,
but
I
swear
it
was
not
with
rage
.
He
had
taken
me
by
the
arm
,
and
said
,
'
Go
out
,
'
without
the
least
anger
.
There
was
dignity
,
a
great
deal
of
dignity
,
about
him
,
and
it
was
so
inconsistent
with
the
look
of
him
that
,
I
assure
you
,
it
was
quite
comical
.
But
there
was
no
anger
.
Perhaps
he
merely
began
to
despise
me
at
that
moment
.
"
Since
that
time
he
has
always
taken
off
his
hat
to
me
on
the
stairs
,
whenever
I
met
him
,
which
is
a
thing
he
never
did
before
;
but
he
always
gets
away
from
me
as
quickly
as
he
can
,
as
though
he
felt
confused
.
If
he
did
despise
me
,
he
despised
me
'
meekly
,
'
after
his
own
fashion
.
"
I
dare
say
he
only
took
his
hat
off
out
of
fear
,
as
it
were
,
to
the
son
of
his
creditor
;
for
he
always
owed
my
mother
money
.
I
thought
of
having
an
explanation
with
him
,
but
I
knew
that
if
I
did
,
he
would
begin
to
apologize
in
a
minute
or
two
,
so
I
decided
to
let
him
alone
.
"
Just
about
that
time
,
that
is
,
the
middle
of
March
,
I
suddenly
felt
very
much
better
;
this
continued
for
a
couple
of
weeks
.
I
used
to
go
out
at
dusk
.
I
like
the
dusk
,
especially
in
March
,
when
the
night
frost
begins
to
harden
the
day
's
puddles
,
and
the
gas
is
burning
.
"
Well
,
one
night
in
the
Shestilavochnaya
,
a
man
passed
me
with
a
paper
parcel
under
his
arm
.
I
did
not
take
stock
of
him
very
carefully
,
but
he
seemed
to
be
dressed
in
some
shabby
summer
dust-coat
,
much
too
light
for
the
season
.
When
he
was
opposite
the
lamp-post
,
some
ten
yards
away
,
I
observed
something
fall
out
of
his
pocket
.
I
hurried
forward
to
pick
it
up
,
just
in
time
,
for
an
old
wretch
in
a
long
kaftan
rushed
up
too
.
He
did
not
dispute
the
matter
,
but
glanced
at
what
was
in
my
hand
and
disappeared
.
"
It
was
a
large
old-fashioned
pocket-book
,
stuffed
full
;
but
I
guessed
,
at
a
glance
,
that
it
had
anything
in
the
world
inside
it
,
except
money
.
"
The
owner
was
now
some
forty
yards
ahead
of
me
,
and
was
very
soon
lost
in
the
crowd
.
I
ran
after
him
,
and
began
calling
out
;
but
as
I
knew
nothing
to
say
excepting
'
hey
!
'
he
did
not
turn
round
.
