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- Федор Достоевский
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- Стр. 368/592
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"
As
it
will
be
absolutely
true
,
without
a
touch
of
falsehood
,
I
am
curious
to
see
what
impression
it
will
make
upon
me
myself
at
the
moment
when
I
read
it
out
.
This
is
my
'
last
and
solemn
'
--
but
why
need
I
call
it
that
?
There
is
no
question
about
the
truth
of
it
,
for
it
is
not
worthwhile
lying
for
a
fortnight
;
a
fortnight
of
life
is
not
itself
worth
having
,
which
is
a
proof
that
I
write
nothing
here
but
pure
truth
.
(
"
N.B.
--
Let
me
remember
to
consider
;
am
I
mad
at
this
moment
,
or
not
?
or
rather
at
these
moments
?
I
have
been
told
that
consumptives
sometimes
do
go
out
of
their
minds
for
a
while
in
the
last
stages
of
the
malady
.
I
can
prove
this
tomorrow
when
I
read
it
out
,
by
the
impression
it
makes
upon
the
audience
.
I
must
settle
this
question
once
and
for
all
,
otherwise
I
ca
n't
go
on
with
anything
.
)
"
I
believe
I
have
just
written
dreadful
nonsense
;
but
there
's
no
time
for
correcting
,
as
I
said
before
.
Besides
that
,
I
have
made
myself
a
promise
not
to
alter
a
single
word
of
what
I
write
in
this
paper
,
even
though
I
find
that
I
am
contradicting
myself
every
five
lines
.
I
wish
to
verify
the
working
of
the
natural
logic
of
my
ideas
tomorrow
during
the
reading
--
whether
I
am
capable
of
detecting
logical
errors
,
and
whether
all
that
I
have
meditated
over
during
the
last
six
months
be
true
,
or
nothing
but
delirium
.
"
If
two
months
since
I
had
been
called
upon
to
leave
my
room
and
the
view
of
Meyer
's
wall
opposite
,
I
verily
believe
I
should
have
been
sorry
.
But
now
I
have
no
such
feeling
,
and
yet
I
am
leaving
this
room
and
Meyer
's
brick
wall
for
ever
.
So
that
my
conclusion
,
that
it
is
not
worth
while
indulging
in
grief
,
or
any
other
emotion
,
for
a
fortnight
,
has
proved
stronger
than
my
very
nature
,
and
has
taken
over
the
direction
of
my
feelings
.
But
is
it
so
?
Is
it
the
case
that
my
nature
is
conquered
entirely
?
If
I
were
to
be
put
on
the
rack
now
,
I
should
certainly
cry
out
.
I
should
not
say
that
it
is
not
worth
while
to
yell
and
feel
pain
because
I
have
but
a
fortnight
to
live
.
"
But
is
it
true
that
I
have
but
a
fortnight
of
life
left
to
me
?
I
know
I
told
some
of
my
friends
that
Doctor
B.
had
informed
me
that
this
was
the
case
;
but
I
now
confess
that
I
lied
;
B.
has
not
even
seen
me
.
However
,
a
week
ago
,
I
called
in
a
medical
student
,
Kislorodoff
,
who
is
a
Nationalist
,
an
Atheist
,
and
a
Nihilist
,
by
conviction
,
and
that
is
why
I
had
him
.
I
needed
a
man
who
would
tell
me
the
bare
truth
without
any
humbug
or
ceremony
--
and
so
he
did
--
indeed
,
almost
with
pleasure
(
which
I
thought
was
going
a
little
too
far
)
.
"
Well
,
he
plumped
out
that
I
had
about
a
month
left
me
;
it
might
be
a
little
more
,
he
said
,
under
favourable
circumstances
,
but
it
might
also
be
considerably
less
.
According
to
his
opinion
I
might
die
quite
suddenly
--
tomorrow
,
for
instance
--
there
had
been
such
cases
.
Only
a
day
or
two
since
a
young
lady
at
Colomna
who
suffered
from
consumption
,
and
was
about
on
a
par
with
myself
in
the
march
of
the
disease
,
was
going
out
to
market
to
buy
provisions
,
when
she
suddenly
felt
faint
,
lay
down
on
the
sofa
,
gasped
once
,
and
died
.
"
Kislorodoff
told
me
all
this
with
a
sort
of
exaggerated
devil-may-care
negligence
,
and
as
though
he
did
me
great
honour
by
talking
to
me
so
,
because
it
showed
that
he
considered
me
the
same
sort
of
exalted
Nihilistic
being
as
himself
,
to
whom
death
was
a
matter
of
no
consequence
whatever
,
either
way
.
"
At
all
events
,
the
fact
remained
--
a
month
of
life
and
no
more
!
That
he
is
right
in
his
estimation
I
am
absolutely
persuaded
.
