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The
next
morning
’
s
meditation
is
a
disaster
.
Desperate
,
I
beg
my
mind
to
please
step
aside
and
let
me
find
God
,
but
my
mind
stares
at
me
with
steely
power
and
says
,
"
I
will
never
let
you
pass
me
by
.
"
That
whole
next
day
,
in
fact
,
I
’
m
so
hateful
and
angry
that
I
fear
for
the
life
of
anyone
who
crosses
my
path
.
I
snap
at
this
poor
German
woman
because
she
doesn
’
t
speak
English
well
and
she
can
’
t
understand
when
I
tell
her
where
the
bookstore
is
.
I
’
m
so
ashamed
of
my
rage
that
I
go
hide
in
(
yet
another
!
)
bathroom
and
cry
,
and
then
I
’
m
so
mad
at
myself
for
crying
as
I
remember
my
Guru
’
s
counsel
not
to
fall
apart
all
the
time
or
else
it
becomes
a
habit
…
but
what
does
she
know
about
it
?
She
’
s
enlightened
.
She
can
’
t
help
me
.
She
doesn
’
t
understand
me
.
I
don
’
t
want
anyone
to
talk
to
me
.
I
can
’
t
tolerate
anyone
’
s
face
right
now
.
I
even
manage
to
dodge
Richard
from
Texas
for
a
while
,
but
he
eventually
finds
me
at
dinner
and
sits
down
-
brave
man
-
in
my
black
smoke
of
self
-
loathing
.
"
What
’
s
got
you
all
wadded
up
?
"
he
drawls
,
toothpick
in
mouth
,
as
usual
.
"
Don
’
t
ask
,
"
I
say
,
but
then
I
start
talking
and
tell
him
every
bit
of
it
,
concluding
with
,
"
And
worst
of
all
,
I
can
’
t
stop
obsessing
over
David
.
I
thought
I
was
over
him
,
but
it
’
s
all
coming
up
again
.
"
He
says
,
"
Give
it
another
six
months
,
you
’
ll
feel
better
.
"
"
I
’
ve
already
given
it
twelve
months
,
Richard
.
"
"
Then
give
it
six
more
.
Just
keep
throwin
’
six
months
at
it
till
it
goes
away
.
Stuff
like
this
takes
time
.
"
I
exhale
hotly
through
my
nose
,
bull
-
like
.
"
Groceries
,
"
Richard
says
,
"
listen
to
me
.
