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"
I
don
’
t
want
,
"
he
said
,
"
to
bear
hard
on
Bulstrode
,
who
has
lent
me
money
of
which
I
was
in
need
—
though
I
would
rather
have
gone
without
it
now
.
He
is
hunted
down
and
miserable
,
and
has
only
a
poor
thread
of
life
in
him
.
But
I
should
like
to
tell
you
everything
.
It
will
be
a
comfort
to
me
to
speak
where
belief
has
gone
beforehand
,
and
where
I
shall
not
seem
to
be
offering
assertions
of
my
own
honesty
.
You
will
feel
what
is
fair
to
another
,
as
you
feel
what
is
fair
to
me
.
"
"
Do
trust
me
,
"
said
Dorothea
;
"
I
will
not
repeat
anything
without
your
leave
.
But
at
the
very
least
,
I
could
say
that
you
have
made
all
the
circumstances
clear
to
me
,
and
that
I
know
you
are
not
in
any
way
guilty
.
Mr
.
Farebrother
would
believe
me
,
and
my
uncle
,
and
Sir
James
Chettam
.
Nay
,
there
are
persons
in
Middlemarch
to
whom
I
could
go
;
although
they
don
’
t
know
much
of
me
,
they
would
believe
me
.
They
would
know
that
I
could
have
no
other
motive
than
truth
and
justice
.
I
would
take
any
pains
to
clear
you
.
I
have
very
little
to
do
.
There
is
nothing
better
that
I
can
do
in
the
world
.
"
Dorothea
’
s
voice
,
as
she
made
this
childlike
picture
of
what
she
would
do
,
might
have
been
almost
taken
as
a
proof
that
she
could
do
it
effectively
.
The
searching
tenderness
of
her
woman
’
s
tones
seemed
made
for
a
defence
against
ready
accusers
.
Lydgate
did
not
stay
to
think
that
she
was
Quixotic
:
he
gave
himself
up
,
for
the
first
time
in
his
life
,
to
the
exquisite
sense
of
leaning
entirely
on
a
generous
sympathy
,
without
any
check
of
proud
reserve
.
And
he
told
her
everything
,
from
the
time
when
,
under
the
pressure
of
his
difficulties
,
he
unwillingly
made
his
first
application
to
Bulstrode
;
gradually
,
in
the
relief
of
speaking
,
getting
into
a
more
thorough
utterance
of
what
had
gone
on
in
his
mind
—
entering
fully
into
the
fact
that
his
treatment
of
the
patient
was
opposed
to
the
dominant
practice
,
into
his
doubts
at
the
last
,
his
ideal
of
medical
duty
,
and
his
uneasy
consciousness
that
the
acceptance
of
the
money
had
made
some
difference
in
his
private
inclination
and
professional
behavior
,
though
not
in
his
fulfilment
of
any
publicly
recognized
obligation
.
"
It
has
come
to
my
knowledge
since
,
"
he
added
,
"
that
Hawley
sent
some
one
to
examine
the
housekeeper
at
Stone
Court
,
and
she
said
that
she
gave
the
patient
all
the
opium
in
the
phial
I
left
,
as
well
as
a
good
deal
of
brandy
.
But
that
would
not
have
been
opposed
to
ordinary
prescriptions
,
even
of
first
-
rate
men
.
The
suspicions
against
me
had
no
hold
there
:
they
are
grounded
on
the
knowledge
that
I
took
money
,
that
Bulstrode
had
strong
motives
for
wishing
the
man
to
die
,
and
that
he
gave
me
the
money
as
a
bribe
to
concur
in
some
malpractices
or
other
against
the
patient
—
that
in
any
case
I
accepted
a
bribe
to
hold
my
tongue
.
They
are
just
the
suspicions
that
cling
the
most
obstinately
,
because
they
lie
in
people
’
s
inclination
and
can
never
be
disproved
.
How
my
orders
came
to
be
disobeyed
is
a
question
to
which
I
don
’
t
know
the
answer
.
It
is
still
possible
that
Bulstrode
was
innocent
of
any
criminal
intention
—
even
possible
that
he
had
nothing
to
do
with
the
disobedience
,
and
merely
abstained
from
mentioning
it
.
But
all
that
has
nothing
to
do
with
the
public
belief
.
It
is
one
of
those
cases
on
which
a
man
is
condemned
on
the
ground
of
his
character
—
it
is
believed
that
he
has
committed
a
crime
in
some
undefined
way
,
because
he
had
the
motive
for
doing
it
;
and
Bulstrode
’
s
character
has
enveloped
me
,
because
I
took
his
money
.
I
am
simply
blighted
—
like
a
damaged
ear
of
corn
—
the
business
is
done
and
can
’
t
be
undone
.
"
"
Oh
,
it
is
hard
!
"
said
Dorothea
.
"
I
understand
the
difficulty
there
is
in
your
vindicating
yourself
.
And
that
all
this
should
have
come
to
you
who
had
meant
to
lead
a
higher
life
than
the
common
,
and
to
find
out
better
ways
—
I
cannot
bear
to
rest
in
this
as
unchangeable
.
I
know
you
meant
that
.
I
remember
what
you
said
to
me
when
you
first
spoke
to
me
about
the
hospital
.
There
is
no
sorrow
I
have
thought
more
about
than
that
—
to
love
what
is
great
,
and
try
to
reach
it
,
and
yet
to
fail
.
"
"
Yes
,
"
said
Lydgate
,
feeling
that
here
he
had
found
room
for
the
full
meaning
of
his
grief
.
"
I
had
some
ambition
.
I
meant
everything
to
be
different
with
me
.
I
thought
I
had
more
strength
and
mastery
.
But
the
most
terrible
obstacles
are
such
as
nobody
can
see
except
oneself
.
"
"
Suppose
,
"
said
Dorothea
,
meditatively
—
"
suppose
we
kept
on
the
Hospital
according
to
the
present
plan
,
and
you
stayed
here
though
only
with
the
friendship
and
support
of
a
few
,
the
evil
feeling
towards
you
would
gradually
die
out
;
there
would
come
opportunities
in
which
people
would
be
forced
to
acknowledge
that
they
had
been
unjust
to
you
,
because
they
would
see
that
your
purposes
were
pure
.
You
may
still
win
a
great
fame
like
the
Louis
and
Laennec
I
have
heard
you
speak
of
,
and
we
shall
all
be
proud
of
you
,
"
she
ended
,
with
a
smile
.
