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"
He
must
be
,
throwing
money
!
"
He
didn
’
t
show
up
the
rest
of
the
week
,
so
that
was
all
right
.
He
’
d
never
gone
away
before
without
telling
me
.
It
was
like
watching
a
parade
go
by
,
just
standing
and
watching
it
go
by
and
knowing
what
the
next
float
would
be
but
watching
for
it
just
the
same
.
I
hadn
’
t
expected
the
Pontiac
.
He
never
loaned
his
car
to
anybody
.
It
was
a
strange
time
.
Some
outside
force
or
design
seemed
to
have
taken
control
of
events
so
that
they
were
crowded
close
the
way
cattle
are
in
a
loading
chute
.
I
know
the
opposite
can
be
true
.
Sometimes
the
force
or
design
deflects
and
destroys
,
no
matter
how
careful
and
deep
the
planning
.
I
guess
that
’
s
why
we
believe
in
luck
and
unluck
.
On
Thursday
,
the
thirtieth
of
June
,
I
awakened
as
usual
in
the
black
pearl
light
of
the
dawn
,
and
that
was
early
now
in
the
lap
of
midsummer
.
Chair
and
bureau
were
dark
blobs
and
pictures
only
lighter
suggestions
.
The
white
window
curtains
seemed
to
sigh
in
and
out
as
though
they
breathed
,
because
it
’
s
a
rare
dawn
that
does
not
wave
a
small
wind
over
the
land
.
Coming
out
of
sleep
,
I
had
the
advantage
of
two
worlds
,
the
layered
firmament
of
dream
and
the
temporal
fixtures
of
the
mind
awake
.
I
stretched
luxuriously
—
a
good
and
tingling
sensation
.
It
’
s
as
though
the
skin
has
shrunk
in
the
night
and
one
must
push
it
out
to
daytime
size
by
bulging
the
muscles
,
and
there
’
s
an
itching
pleasure
in
it
.
First
I
referred
to
my
remembered
dreams
as
I
would
glance
through
a
newspaper
to
see
if
there
was
anything
of
interest
or
import
.
Then
I
explored
the
coming
day
for
events
that
had
not
happened
.
Next
I
followed
a
practice
learned
from
the
best
officer
I
ever
had
.
He
was
Charley
Edwards
,
a
major
of
middling
age
,
perhaps
a
little
too
far
along
to
be
a
combat
officer
but
he
was
a
good
one
.
He
had
a
large
family
,
a
pretty
wife
and
four
children
in
steps
,
and
his
heart
could
ache
with
love
and
longing
for
them
if
he
allowed
it
to
.
He
told
me
about
it
.
In
his
deadly
business
he
could
not
afford
to
have
his
attention
warped
and
split
by
love
,
and
so
he
had
arrived
at
a
method
.
In
the
morning
,
that
is
if
he
were
not
jerked
from
sleep
by
an
alert
,
he
opened
his
mind
and
heart
to
his
family
.
He
went
over
each
one
in
turn
,
how
they
looked
,
what
they
were
like
;
he
caressed
them
and
reassured
them
of
his
love
.
It
was
as
though
he
picked
precious
things
one
by
one
from
a
cabinet
,
looked
at
each
,
felt
it
,
kissed
it
,
and
put
it
back
;
and
last
he
gave
them
a
small
good
-
by
and
shut
the
door
of
the
cabinet
.
The
whole
thing
took
half
an
hour
if
he
could
get
it
and
then
he
didn
’
t
have
to
think
of
them
again
all
day
.
He
could
devote
his
full
capacity
,
untwisted
by
conflicting
thought
and
feeling
,
to
the
job
he
had
to
do
—
the
killing
of
men
.
He
was
the
best
officer
I
ever
knew
.
I
asked
his
permission
to
use
his
method
and
he
gave
it
to
me
.
When
he
was
killed
,
all
I
could
think
was
that
his
had
been
a
good
and
effective
life
.
He
had
taken
his
pleasure
,
savored
his
love
,
and
paid
his
debts
,
and
how
many
people
even
approached
that
?
I
didn
’
t
always
use
Major
Charley
’
s
method
,
but
on
a
day
like
this
Thursday
,
when
I
knew
my
attention
should
be
as
uninterrupted
as
possible
,
I
awakened
when
the
day
opened
its
door
a
crack
and
I
visited
my
family
as
Major
Charley
had
.
I
visited
them
in
chronological
order
,
bowed
to
Aunt
Deborah
.
She
was
named
for
Deborah
the
Judge
of
Israel
and
I
have
read
that
a
judge
was
a
military
leader
.
Perhaps
she
responded
to
her
name
.
My
great
-
aunt
could
have
led
armies
.
She
did
marshal
the
cohorts
of
thought
.
My
joy
in
learning
for
no
visible
profit
came
from
her
.
Stern
though
she
was
,
she
was
charged
with
curiosity
and
had
little
use
for
anyone
who
was
not
.
I
gave
her
my
obeisance
.
I
offered
a
spectral
toast
to
old
Cap
’
n
and
ducked
my
head
to
my
father
.
I
even
made
my
duty
to
the
untenanted
hole
in
the
past
I
knew
as
my
mother
.
I
never
knew
her
.
She
died
before
I
could
,
and
left
only
a
hole
in
the
past
where
she
should
be
.
