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- Джон Фоулз
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I
can
’
t
just
throw
it
in
the
dustbin
.
"
"
So
you
throw
me
instead
.
"
I
went
behind
her
to
try
to
put
my
hands
on
her
shoulders
,
but
she
jerked
angrily
away
.
"
Fuck
off
.
Just
fuck
off
.
"
I
sat
on
the
bed
and
lit
a
cigarette
.
Down
in
the
street
monotonous
Macedonian
folk
music
skirled
from
some
café
loudspeaker
;
but
we
sat
and
stood
in
a
strange
cocoon
of
remoteness
from
even
the
nearest
outside
things
.
"
I
came
to
Athens
knowing
I
ought
not
to
meet
you
.
I
did
my
damnedest
that
first
evening
and
yesterday
to
prove
to
myself
that
I
don
’
t
have
any
special
feeling
for
you
any
more
.
But
it
didn
’
t
work
.
That
’
s
why
I
talked
.
So
ineptly
.
So
at
the
wrong
time
.
"
She
gave
no
sign
of
listening
;
I
produced
my
trump
.
"
Talked
when
I
could
have
kept
quiet
.
Could
still
be
deceiving
you
.
"
"
I
’
m
not
the
one
who
’
s
deceived
.
"
"
Look
—
"
"
And
what
the
hell
does
’
special
feeling
’
mean
?
"
I
was
silent
.
"
Christ
,
you
’
re
not
just
afraid
of
the
thing
love
.
You
’
re
even
afraid
of
using
the
bloody
word
now
.
"
"
I
don
’
t
know
what
love
is
.
"
She
spun
round
.
"
Well
let
me
tell
you
.
Love
isn
’
t
just
what
I
said
it
was
in
that
letter
.
Not
turning
back
to
look
.
Love
is
pretending
to
go
to
work
but
going
to
Victoria
.
To
give
you
one
last
surprise
,
one
last
kiss
,
one
last
…
it
doesn
’
t
matter
,
I
saw
you
buying
magazines
.
That
morning
I
couldn
’
t
have
laughed
with
anyone
in
the
world
.
And
yet
you
laughed
.
You
fucking
well
stood
with
a
porter
and
laughed
about
something
.
That
’
s
when
I
found
out
what
love
was
.
Seeing
the
one
person
you
want
to
live
with
happy
to
have
escaped
from
you
.
"
"
But
why
didn
’
t
you
—
"
"
You
know
what
I
did
?
I
crept
away
.
And
spent
the
whole
godawful
day
curled
up
on
our
bed
.
Not
because
I
loved
you
.
Because
I
was
so
mad
with
rage
and
shame
that
I
loved
you
.
"
"
I
wasn
’
t
to
know
.
"
She
turned
away
.
"
I
wasn
’
t
to
know
.
Christ
!
"
Silence
hung
in
the
air
like
static
electricity
.
"
Another
thing
.
You
think
love
is
sex
.
Let
me
tell
you
something
.
If
I
’
d
wanted
you
just
for
that
,
I
’
d
have
left
you
straight
after
that
first
night
.
"
"
My
apologies
.
"
She
looked
at
me
,
took
a
breath
,
gave
a
bitter
little
smile
.
"
Oh
God
,
now
he
’
s
hurt
.
I
’
m
trying
to
tell
you
that
I
loved
you
for
you
.
Not
for
your
blasted
prick
.
"
She
stared
back
out
into
the
night
.
"
Of
course
you
’
re
all
right
in
bed
.
But
you
’
re
not
the
…
"
she
couldn
’
t
find
the
words
.
"
Best
you
’
ve
had
.
"
"
If
that
was
what
mattered
.
"
"
One
lives
and
learns
.
"
I
bent
forward
and
stared
at
the
ground
.
To
avoid
her
eyes
.
She
came
to
the
end
of
the
bed
and
leant
against
it
,
looking
down
at
me
.
"
I
think
you
’
re
so
blind
you
probably
don
’
t
even
know
you
don
’
t
love
me
.
You
don
’
t
even
know
you
’
re
a
filthy
selfish
bastard
who
can
’
t
,
can
’
t
like
being
impotent
,
can
’
t
ever
think
of
anything
except
number
one
.
Because
nothing
can
hurt
you
,
Nicko
.
Deep
down
,
where
it
counts
.
You
’
ve
built
your
life
so
that
nothing
can
ever
reach
you
.
So
whatever
you
do
you
can
say
,
I
couldn
’
t
help
it
.
You
can
’
t
lose
.
You
can
always
have
your
next
adventure
.
Your
next
bloody
affaire
.
"
"
You
always
twist
—
"
"
Twist
!
Holy
Jesus
,
don
’
t
you
talk
of
twisting
.
You
can
’
t
even
tell
a
simple
fact
straight
.
"
I
looked
round
at
her
.
"
Meaning
?
"
"
All
that
mystery
balls
.
You
think
I
fall
for
that
?
There
’
s
some
girl
on
your
island
and
you
want
to
lay
her
.
That
’
s
all
.
But
of
course
that
’
s
nasty
,
that
’
s
crude
.
So
you
tart
it
up
.
As
usual
.
Tart
it
up
so
it
makes
you
seem
the
innocent
one
,
the
great
intellectual
who
must
have
his
experience
.
Always
both
ways
.
Always
cake
and
eat
it
.
Always
—
"
"
I
swear
…
"
but
her
impatient
jerk
away
silenced
me
.
She
walked
up
and
down
the
room
.
I
tried
another
excuse
.
"
Because
I
don
’
t
want
to
marry
you
—
or
anyone
—
it
doesn
’
t
mean
I
don
’
t
love
you
.
"
"
That
reminds
me
.
That
child
.
You
thought
I
didn
’
t
notice
.
That
little
girl
with
the
boil
.
It
made
you
furious
.
Alison
showing
how
good
she
is
with
kids
.
Doing
the
mother
act
.
And
shall
I
tell
you
something
?
I
was
doing
the
mother
act
.
Just
for
a
moment
,
when
she
smiled
,
I
did
think
that
.
I
did
think
how
I
’
d
like
to
have
your
children
and
…
have
my
arm
round
them
and
have
you
near
me
.
Isn
’
t
that
terrible
?
I
have
this
filthy
disgusting
stinking
-
taste
thing
called
love
…
God
,
syphilis
is
nice
compared
to
love
…
and
I
’
m
so
depraved
,
so
colonial
,
so
degenerate
that
I
actually
dare
show
you
…
"
"
Alison
.
"
She
took
a
shuddery
breath
;
near
tears
.
"
I
realized
as
soon
as
we
met
on
Friday
.
For
you
I
’
ll
always
be
Alison
who
slept
around
.
That
Australian
girl
who
had
an
abortion
.
The
human
boomerang
.
Throw
her
away
and
she
’
ll
always
come
back
for
another
weekend
of
cheap
knock
.
"
"
That
’
s
a
long
way
below
the
belt
.
"
She
lit
a
cigarette
.
I
went
and
stood
by
the
window
and
she
spoke
at
my
back
,
across
the
bed
and
the
room
,
from
the
door
.
"
All
that
time
,
last
autumn
…
I
didn
’
t
realize
then
.
I
didn
’
t
realize
you
can
get
softer
.
I
thought
you
went
on
getting
harder
.
God
only
knows
why
,
I
felt
closer
to
you
than
I
’
ve
ever
felt
to
any
other
man
.
God
only
knows
why
.
In
spite
of
all
your
smart
-
aleck
Pommie
ways
.
Your
bloody
class
mania
.
So
I
never
really
got
over
your
going
.
I
tried
Pete
,
I
tried
another
man
,
but
it
didn
’
t
work
.
Always
this
stupid
,
pathetic
little
dream
.
That
one
day
you
’
d
write
…
so
I
went
mad
trying
to
organize
these
three
days
.
Betting
everything
on
them
.
Even
though
I
could
see
,
God
how
I
could
see
you
were
just
bored
.
"
"
That
’
s
not
true
.
I
wasn
’
t
bored
.
"
"
Thinking
about
this
bit
on
Phraxos
.
"
"
I
missed
you
too
.
Hellishly
,
those
first
months
.
"
Suddenly
she
switched
the
lights
on
.
"
Turn
round
and
look
at
me
.
"
I
did
.
She
was
standing
by
the
door
,
still
in
her
blue
jeans
and
the
dark
blue
shirt
;
her
face
a
gray
and
white
mask
.
"
I
’
ve
saved
some
money
.
And
you
can
’
t
be
exactly
broke
.
If
you
say
the
word
,
I
’
ll
walk
out
of
my
job
tomorrow
.
I
’
ll
come
on
your
island
and
live
with
you
.
I
said
a
cottage
in
Ireland
.
But
I
’
ll
take
a
cottage
on
Phraxos
.
You
can
have
that
.
The
dreadful
responsibility
of
having
to
live
with
someone
who
loves
you
.
"
"
Or
?
"
"
You
can
say
no
.
"
"
An
ultimatum
.
"
"
No
sliding
.
Yes
or
no
.
"
"
Alison
,
if
—
"
"
Yes
or
no
.
"
"
You
can
’
t
decide
these
things
…
Her
voice
sharpened
a
pitch
.
"
Yes
or
no
.
"
"
It
’
s
moral
blackmail
.
"
She
came
and
stood
on
the
other
side
of
the
bed
;
gave
me
a
look
of
iron
.
There
was
nothing
gentle
in
her
voice
except
its
volume
.
"
Yes
or
no
.
"
I
stared
at
her
.
She
gave
a
tiny
humorless
twist
of
her
lips
and
answered
for
me
.
"
No
.
"
"
Only
because
…
"
She
ran
straight
to
the
door
and
opened
it
.
I
felt
angry
,
trapped
into
this
ridiculous
either
-
or
choice
,
when
the
reality
was
so
much
more
complex
.
I
went
round
the
bed
towards
her
,
yanked
the
door
away
from
her
grip
and
slammed
it
shut
again
;
then
caught
her
and
tried
to
kiss
her
,
reaching
past
her
at
the
same
time
to
flick
off
the
light
.
The
room
was
plunged
into
darkness
again
,
but
she
struggled
wildly
,
jerking
her
head
from
side
to
side
.
I
pulled
her
back
towards
the
bed
and
fell
with
her
across
it
,
making
it
roll
and
knock
both
lamp
and
ashtray
off
the
bedside
table
.
I
thought
she
would
give
in
,
she
must
give
in
,
but
suddenly
she
screamed
,
so
loud
that
it
must
have
pierced
all
through
the
hotel
and
echoed
over
on
the
other
side
of
the
port
.
"
LET
ME
GO
!
"
I
sat
back
a
little
and
she
hit
at
me
with
her
clubbed
fists
.
I
caught
her
wrists
.
"
For
God
’
s
sake
.
"
"
I
HATE
YOU
!
"
"
Keep
quiet
!
"
I
forced
her
on
her
side
.
There
was
banging
on
the
wall
.
Another
nerve
-
splitting
scream
.
"
I
HATE
YOU
.
"
I
slapped
the
side
of
her
face
.
She
began
to
sob
violently
,
twisted
sideways
against
the
bed
end
,
fragments
of
words
howled
at
me
between
gasps
for
air
and
tears
.
"
Leave
me
alone
…
leave
me
alone
…
you
shit
…
you
fucking
selfish
…
"
explosion
of
sobs
,
her
shoulders
racked
.
I
got
up
and
went
to
the
window
.
She
began
to
bang
the
bedrail
with
her
fists
,
as
if
she
was
beyond
words
.
I
hated
her
then
:
her
lack
of
control
,
her
hysteria
.
I
remembered
that
there
was
a
bottle
of
Scotch
downstairs
in
my
room
—
she
had
brought
it
for
me
as
a
present
,
the
first
day
.
"
Look
,
I
’
m
going
to
get
you
a
drink
.
Now
stop
wailing
.
"
I
hovered
over
her
.
She
took
no
notice
,
went
on
beating
the
bedrail
.
I
got
to
the
door
,
hesitated
,
looked
back
,
then
went
out
.
Three
Greeks
,
a
man
and
woman
and
an
elder
man
,
were
standing
two
open
doors
away
,
staring
at
the
door
of
Alison
’
s
room
.
They
looked
at
me
as
if
I
were
a
murderer
.
I
went
downstairs
,
opened
the
bottle
,
swallowed
a
stiff
shot
straight
out
of
it
,
then
went
back
.
The
door
was
locked
.
The
three
spectators
continued
to
stare
;
watched
me
try
it
,
knock
,
try
it
again
,
knock
,
then
call
her
name
.
The
older
man
came
up
to
me
.
Was
anything
wrong
?
I
grimaced
and
muttered
,
"
The
heat
.
"
He
repeated
it
unnecessarily
back
to
the
other
two
.
Ah
,
the
heat
,
said
the
woman
,
as
if
that
explained
everything
.
They
did
not
move
.
I
tried
once
more
;
called
her
name
through
the
wooden
panels
.
I
could
hear
nothing
.
I
shrugged
for
the
benefit
of
the
Greeks
,
and
went
back
downstairs
.
Ten
minutes
later
I
returned
;
I
returned
four
or
five
times
more
during
the
next
hour
;
and
always
the
door
,
to
my
secret
relief
,
was
shut
.
I
had
asked
to
be
and
was
woken
at
eight
,
and
I
dressed
at
once
and
went
to
her
room
.
I
knocked
;
no
answer
.
When
I
tried
the
handle
,
the
door
opened
.
The
bed
had
been
slept
in
,
but
Alison
and
all
her
belongings
were
gone
.
I
ran
straight
down
to
the
reception
desk
.
A
rabbity
old
man
with
spectacles
,
the
father
of
the
proprietor
,
sat
behind
it
.
He
’
d
been
in
America
,
and
spoke
English
quite
well
.
"
You
know
that
girl
I
was
with
last
night
—
has
she
gone
out
this
morning
?
"
"
Oh
yeah
.
She
wen
’
out
.
"
"
When
?
"
He
looked
up
at
the
clock
.
"
About
one
hour
since
.
She
lef
’
this
.
She
said
give
it
you
when
you
came
down
.
"
An
envelope
.
My
scrawled
name
:
N
.
Urfe
.
"
She
didn
’
t
say
where
she
was
going
?
"
"
Just
paid
her
check
and
went
.
"
I
knew
by
the
way
he
was
watching
me
that
he
had
heard
,
or
heard
about
,
the
screaming
the
evening
before
.
"
But
I
said
I
’
d
pay
.
"
"
I
said
.
I
told
her
.
"
"
Damn
.
"
As
I
turned
to
go
he
said
,
"
Hey
,
you
know
what
they
say
in
the
States
?
Always
plenny
more
fish
in
the
sea
.
Know
that
one
?
Plenny
more
fish
in
the
sea
.
"
I
went
back
to
my
room
and
opened
her
letter
.
It
was
a
scrawl
,
a
last
-
moment
decision
not
to
go
in
silence
.
Think
what
it
would
be
like
if
you
got
back
to
your
island
and
there
was
no
old
man
,
no
girl
any
more
.
No
mysterious
fun
and
games
.
The
whole
placed
locked
up
forever
.
It
’
s
finished
finished
finished
.
About
ten
I
rang
up
the
airport
.
Alison
had
not
returned
,
and
was
not
due
to
return
until
her
flight
to
London
at
five
that
afternoon
.
I
tried
again
at
eleven
thirty
,
just
before
the
boat
sailed
;
the
same
answer
.
As
the
ship
,
which
was
filled
with
returning
boys
,
drew
out
from
the
quay
I
scanned
the
crowds
of
parents
and
relations
and
idlers
.
I
had
some
idea
that
she
was
there
among
them
,
watching
;
but
if
she
was
,
she
was
invisible
The
ugly
industrial
seafront
of
the
Piraeus
receded
and
the
boat
headed
south
for
the
svelte
blue
peak
of
Aegina
.
I
went
to
the
bar
and
ordered
a
large
ouzo
;
it
was
the
only
place
the
boys
were
not
allowed
.
I
drank
a
mouthful
neat
,
and
made
a
sort
of
bitter
inner
toast
.
I
had
chosen
my
own
way
;
the
difficult
,
hazardous
,
poetic
way
;
all
on
one
number
.
Someone
slipped
onto
the
stool
beside
me
.
It
was
Demetriades
.
He
clapped
his
hands
for
the
barman
.
"
Buy
me
a
drink
,
you
perverted
Englishman
.
And
I
will
tell
you
how
I
spent
a
most
amusing
weekend
.
"
Think
what
it
would
be
like
if
you
got
back
to
your
island
and
…
I
had
all
Tuesday
to
think
nothing
but
that
;
to
see
myself
as
Alison
saw
me
.
I
took
the
envelope
out
,
and
looked
at
the
thread
,
and
waited
.
It
was
a
relief
to
teach
hard
,
conscientiously
,
to
get
through
the
suspense
.
On
Wednesday
evening
,
when
I
gut
back
from
post
-
siesta
school
to
my
room
,
I
found
a
note
on
my
desk
.
I
recognized
Conchis
’
s
almost
copperplate
writing
;
and
I
recognized
something
else
in
the
elaborate
star
the
note
had
been
folded
into
.
I
couldn
’
t
imagine
Conchis
wasting
time
on
such
a
business
;
but
I
could
see
Lily
doing
so
.
I
thought
,
as
I
was
no
doubt
meant
to
,
of
idle
convoluted
women
in
Edwardian
country
houses
.
The
note
said
:
We
look
forward
to
seeing
you
on
Saturday
.
I
hope
you
had
a
most
enjoyable
reconciliation
with
your
friend
.
If
I
do
not
hear
I
shall
know
you
are
coming
.
Maurice
Conchis
.
It
was
dated
above
Wednesday
morning
.
My
heart
leapt
.
Everything
during
that
last
weekend
seemed
,
if
not
justified
,
necessary
.
I
had
a
lot
of
marking
to
do
,
but
I
couldn
’
t
stay
in
.
I
walked
up
to
the
main
ridge
,
to
the
inland
cliff
.
I
had
to
see
the
roof
of
Bourani
,
the
south
of
the
island
,
the
sea
,
the
mountains
,
all
the
reality
of
the
unreality
.
There
was
none
of
the
burning
need
to
go
down
and
spy
that
had
possessed
me
the
week
before
,
but
a
balancing
mixture
of
excitement
and
reassurance
,
a
certainty
of
the
health
of
the
symbiosis
.
I
was
theirs
still
;
they
were
mine
.
I
wrote
a
note
to
Alison
as
soon
as
I
got
back
.
Allie
darling
,
you
can
’
t
say
to
someone
"
I
’
ve
decided
I
ought
to
love
you
.
"
I
can
see
a
million
reasons
why
I
ought
to
love
you
,
because
(
as
I
tried
to
explain
)
in
my
fashion
,
my
perfect
-
bastard
fashion
,
I
do
love
you
.
Parnassus
was
beautiful
,
please
don
’
t
think
it
was
nothing
to
me
,
only
the
body
,
or
could
ever
be
anything
but
unforgettable
,
always
,
for
me
.
I
know
you
’
re
angry
,
of
course
you
’
re
angry
,
but
please
write
back
.
It
’
s
so
likely
that
one
day
I
shall
need
you
terribly
,
I
shall
come
crawling
to
you
,
and
you
can
have
all
the
revenge
you
want
then
.
I
thought
it
a
good
letter
;
the
only
conscious
exaggeration
was
in
the
last
sentence
.
At
ten
to
four
on
Saturday
I
was
at
the
gate
of
Bourani
;
and
there
,
walking
along
the
track
towards
me
,
was
Conchis
.
FIe
had
on
a
black
shirt
,
long
khaki
shorts
;
dark
brown
shoes
and
faded
yellow
-
green
stockings
.
He
was
walking
purposefully
,
almost
in
a
hurry
,
as
if
he
had
wanted
to
be
out
of
the
way
before
I
came
.
But
he
raised
his
arm
as
soon
as
he
saw
me
and
appeared
not
put
out
.
"
Nicholas
.
"
"
Hello
.
"
He
stood
in
front
of
me
and
gave
his
little
headshake
.
"
A
pleasant
half
-
term
?
"
"
Yes
,
thanks
.
"
He
seemed
to
have
expected
more
,
but
I
was
determined
to
say
nothing
;
and
showed
so
.
He
murmured
,
"
Good
.
"
"
That
was
an
extraordinary
experience
.
Last
time
.
I
had
no
idea
I
was
so
suggestible
.
"
He
tapped
his
head
.
"
Never
think
of
your
mind
as
a
castle
.
It
is
an
engine
room
.
"
"
Then
you
must
be
a
very
skilled
engineer
.
"
He
bowed
.
"
Am
I
to
believe
all
those
sensations
came
from
other
worlds
?
"
"
It
is
not
for
me
to
tell
you
what
to
believe
.
