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Not
unusual
.
"
Slowly
,
disconnectedly
,
prompted
by
him
,
I
told
him
a
bit
about
Alison
;
remembering
his
frankness
the
night
before
,
produced
some
of
my
own
.
Once
again
I
felt
no
real
sympathy
coming
from
him
;
simply
his
obsessive
and
inexplicable
curiosity
.
I
told
him
I
had
recently
written
a
letter
.
"
And
if
she
does
not
answer
?
"
I
shrugged
.
"
She
doesn
’
t
.
"
"
You
think
of
her
,
you
want
to
see
her
—
you
must
write
again
.
"
I
smiled
then
,
briefly
,
at
his
energy
.
"
You
are
leaving
it
to
hazard
.
We
no
more
have
to
leave
everything
to
hazard
than
we
have
to
drown
in
the
sea
.
"
He
shook
my
shoulder
.
"
Swim
!
"
"
It
’
s
not
swimming
.
It
’
s
knowing
in
which
direction
to
swim
.
"
"
Towards
the
girl
.
She
sees
through
you
,
you
say
,
she
understands
you
.
That
is
good
.
"
I
was
silent
.
A
primrose
and
black
butterfly
,
a
swallowtail
,
hovered
over
the
bougainvillea
around
the
Priapus
arbor
,
found
no
honey
,
and
glided
away
through
the
trees
.
I
scuffed
the
gravel
.
"
I
suppose
I
don
’
t
know
what
love
is
,
really
.
If
it
isn
’
t
all
sex
.
And
I
don
’
t
even
really
care
a
damn
any
more
,
anyway
.
"
"
My
dear
young
man
,
you
are
a
disaster
.
So
defeated
.
So
pessimistic
.
"
"
I
was
rather
ambitious
once
.
I
ought
to
have
been
blind
as
well
.
Then
perhaps
I
wouldn
’
t
feel
defeated
.
"
I
looked
at
him
.
"
It
’
s
not
all
me
.
It
’
s
in
the
age
.
In
all
my
generation
.
We
all
feel
the
same
.
"
"
In
the
greatest
age
of
enlightenment
in
the
history
of
this
earth
?
When
we
have
destroyed
more
darkness
in
this
last
fifty
years
than
in
the
last
five
million
?
"
"
As
at
Neuve
Chapelle
?
Hiroshima
?
"
"
But
you
and
I
!
We
live
,
we
are
this
wonderful
age
.
We
are
not
destroyed
.
We
did
not
even
destroy
.
"
"
No
man
is
an
island
.
"
"
Pah
.
Rubbish
.
Every
one
of
us
is
an
island
.
If
it
were
not
so
we
should
go
mad
at
once
.
Between
these
islands
are
ships
,
airplanes
,
telephones
,
television
—
what
you
will
.
But
they
remain
islands
.
Islands
that
can
sink
or
disappear
forever
.
You
are
an
island
that
has
not
sunk
.
You
cannot
be
such
a
pessimist
.
It
is
not
possible
.
"
"
It
seems
possible
.
"
"
Come
with
me
.
"
He
stood
up
,
as
if
time
was
vital
.
"
Come
.
I
will
show
you
the
innermost
secret
of
life
.
Come
.
"
He
walked
quickly
round
to
the
colonnade
.
I
followed
him
upstairs
.
There
he
pushed
me
out
onto
the
terrace
.
"
Go
and
sit
at
the
table
.
With
your
back
to
the
sun
.
"
In
a
minute
he
appeared
,
carrying
something
heavy
draped
in
a
white
towel
.
He
put
it
carefully
on
the
center
of
the
table
.
Then
he
paused
,
made
sure
I
was
looking
,
before
gravely
he
removed
the
cloth
.
It
was
a
stone
head
,
whether
of
a
man
or
a
woman
it
was
difficult
to
say
.
The
nose
had
been
broken
short
.
The
hair
was
done
in
a
fillet
,
with
two
side
-
pieces
.
But
the
power
of
the
fragment
was
in
the
face
.
It
was
set
in
a
triumphant
smile
,
a
smile
that
would
have
been
smug
if
it
had
not
been
so
full
of
the
purest
metaphysical
good
humor
.
The
eyes
were
faintly
Oriental
,
long
,
and
as
I
saw
,
for
Conchis
put
a
hand
over
the
mouth
,
also
smiling
.
The
mouth
was
beautifully
modeled
,
timelessly
intelligent
and
timelessly
amused
.
"
That
is
the
truth
.
Not
the
hammer
and
sickle
.
Not
the
stars
and
stripes
.
Not
the
cross
.
Not
the
sun
.
Not
gold
.
Not
yin
and
yang
.
But
the
smile
.
"
"
It
’
s
Cycladic
,
isn
’
t
it
?
"
"
Never
mind
what
it
is
.
Look
at
it
.
Look
into
its
eyes
.
"
He
was
right
.
The
little
sunlit
thing
had
some
numen
—
or
not
so
much
a
divinity
,
as
a
having
known
divinity
—
in
it
;
of
being
ultimately
certain
.
But
as
I
looked
,
I
began
to
feel
something
else
.
"
There
’
s
something
implacable
in
that
smile
.
"
"
Implacable
?
"
He
came
behind
my
chair
and
looked
down
over
my
head
.
"
It
is
the
truth
.
Truth
is
implacable
.
But
the
nature
and
meaning
of
this
truth
is
not
.
"
"
Tell
me
where
it
came
from
.
"
"
From
Didyma
in
Asia
Minor
.
"
"
How
old
is
it
?
"
"
The
sixth
or
seventh
century
before
Christ
.
"
He
sat
on
the
parapet
,
his
arms
folded
.
"
I
wonder
if
it
would
have
that
smile
if
it
knew
of
Belsen
.
"
"
Because
they
died
,
we
know
we
still
live
.
Because
a
star
explodes
and
a
thousand
worlds
like
ours
die
,
we
know
this
world
is
.
That
is
the
smile
:
that
what
might
not
be
,
is
.
"
A
long
silence
.
Then
he
said
,
"
When
I
die
,
I
shall
have
this
by
my
bedside
.
It
is
the
last
face
I
want
to
see
.
"
The
little
head
watched
our
watching
;
bland
,
certain
,
and
almost
maliciously
inscrutable
.
It
flashed
on
me
that
it
was
also
the
smile
that
Conchis
sometimes
wore
;
as
if
he
sat
before
the
head
and
practiced
it
.
At
the
same
time
I
realized
exactly
what
I
disliked
about
it
.
It
was
above
all
the
smile
of
dramatic
irony
,
of
those
who
have
privileged
information
I
looked
back
up
at
Conchis
’
s
face
;
and
knew
I
was
right
.
A
starry
darkness
over
the
house
,
the
forest
,
the
sea
;
the
dinner
cleared
away
,
the
lamp
extinguished
.
I
lay
back
in
the
long
chair
.
He
let
the
night
silently
envelop
and
possess
us
;
time
fall
away
;
then
began
to
draw
me
back
down
the
decades
.
"
April
,
1915
.
I
returned
without
trouble
to
England
.
I
did
not
know
what
I
should
do
.
Except
that
I
had
in
some
way
to
justify
myself
.
At
nineteen
one
is
not
content
simply
to
do
things
.
They
have
to
be
justified
as
well
.
My
mother
fainted
when
she
saw
me
.
For
the
first
and
last
time
in
my
life
I
saw
my
father
in
tears
.
Until
that
moment
of
confrontation
I
had
determined
that
I
would
tell
the
truth
.
That
I
could
not
deceive
them
.
Yet
before
them
,
I
could
not
do
anything
but
deceive
.
Perhaps
it
was
pure
cowardice
,
it
is
not
for
me
to
say
.
But
there
are
some
truths
too
cruel
,
before
the
faces
one
has
to
announce
them
to
,
to
be
told
.
So
I
said
that
I
had
been
lucky
in
a
draw
for
leave
,
and
that
now
Montague
was
dead
I
was
to
rejoin
my
original
battalion
.
A
madness
to
deceive
.
Not
economically
,
but
with
the
utmost
luxury
.
I
invented
a
new
battle
of
Neuve
Chapelle
,
as
if
the
original
had
not
been
bad
enough
.
I
even
told
them
I
had
been
recommended
for
a
commission
.
At
first
fortune
was
on
my
side
.
Two
days
after
I
returned
,
official
notification
came
that
I
was
missing
,
believed
killed
in
action
.
Such
mistakes
occurred
frequently
enough
for
my
parents
to
suspect
nothing
.
The
letter
was
joyously
torn
up
.
"
And
Lily
.
Perhaps
that
waiting
before
the
knowledge
came
that
I
was
safe
had
made
her
see
more
clearly
her
real
feelings
for
me
.
Whatever
it
was
,
I
could
no
longer
complain
that
she
treated
me
more
like
a
brother
than
a
lover
.
You
know
,
Nicholas
,
that
whatever
miseries
the
Great
War
brought
it
destroyed
a
great
deal
that
was
unhealthy
between
the
sexes
.
For
the
first
time
for
a
century
women
discovered
that
man
wanted
something
more
human
from
them
than
a
nunlike
chastity
,
a
bien
pensant
idealism
.
I
do
not
mean
that
Lily
suddenly
lost
all
reserve
.
Or
gave
herself
to
me
.
But
she
gave
as
much
to
me
as
she
could
.
The
time
I
spent
alone
with
her
…
those
hours
allowed
me
to
gather
strength
to
go
on
with
my
deception
.
At
the
same
time
as
they
made
it
more
terrible
.
Again
and
again
I
was
possessed
by
a
desire
to
tell
her
all
,
and
before
justice
caught
up
with
me
.
Every
time
I
returned
home
I
expected
to
find
the
police
waiting
.
My
father
outraged
.
And
worst
of
all
,
Lily
’
s
eyes
on
mine
.
But
when
I
was
with
her
I
refused
to
talk
about
the
war
.
She
misinterpreted
my
nervousness
.
It
touched
her
deeply
and
brought
out
all
her
gentleness
.
Her
warmth
.
I
sucked
on
her
love
like
a
leech
.
A
very
sensual
leech
.
She
had
become
a
very
beautiful
young
woman
.
"
One
day
we
went
for
a
walk
in
woods
to
the
north
of
London
—
near
Barnet
,
I
think
,
I
no
longer
recall
the
name
,
except
that
they
were
in
those
days
very
pretty
and
lonely
woods
for
a
place
so
near
London
.
"
We
lay
on
the
ground
and
kissed
.
Perhaps
you
smile
.
That
we
only
lay
on
the
ground
and
kissed
.
You
young
people
can
lend
your
bodies
now
,
play
with
them
,
give
them
as
we
could
not
.
But
remember
that
you
have
paid
a
price
:
that
of
a
world
rich
in
mystery
and
delicate
emotion
.
It
is
not
only
species
of
animal
that
die
out
.
But
whole
species
of
feeling
.
And
if
you
are
wise
you
will
never
pity
the
past
for
what
it
did
not
know
.
But
pity
yourself
for
what
it
did
.
"
That
afternoon
Lily
said
she
wanted
to
marry
me
.
To
marry
by
special
license
,
and
if
necessary
without
her
parents
’
permission
,
so
that
before
I
went
away
again
we
should
have
become
one
in
body
as
we
were
in
—
dare
I
say
spirit
?
—
at
any
rate
,
in
mind
.
I
longed
to
sleep
with
her
,
I
longed
to
be
joined
to
her
.
But
always
my
dreadful
secret
lay
between
us
.
Like
the
sword
between
Tristan
and
Isolde
.
So
I
had
to
assume
,
among
the
flowers
,
the
innocent
birds
and
silent
trees
,
an
even
falser
nobility
.
How
could
I
refuse
her
except
by
saying
my
death
was
so
probable
that
I
could
not
allow
such
a
sacrifice
?
She
argued
.
She
cried
.
She
took
my
faltering
,
my
tortured
refusals
for
something
far
finer
than
they
really
were
.
At
the
end
of
the
afternoon
,
before
we
left
the
wood
,
and
with
a
solemnity
and
sincerity
,
a
complete
dedication
of
herself
that
I
cannot
describe
to
you
because
such
unconditional
promising
is
another
extinct
mystery
…
she
said
,
Whatever
happens
I
shall
never
marry
anyone
but
you
.
"
He
stopped
speaking
for
a
moment
,
like
a
man
walking
who
comes
to
a
brink
;
perhaps
it
was
an
artful
pause
,
but
it
made
the
stars
,
the
night
seem
to
wait
,
as
if
story
,
narration
,
history
lay
imbricated
in
the
nature
of
things
;
and
the
cosmos
was
for
the
story
,
not
the
story
for
the
cosmos
.
"
My
fortnight
’
s
supposed
leave
drew
to
an
end
.
I
had
no
plan
,
or
rather
a
hundred
plans
,
which
is
worse
than
having
none
at
all
.
There
were
moments
when
I
considered
returning
to
France
.
But
then
I
saw
ghastly
yellow
figures
staggering
like
drunkards
out
of
the
wall
of
smoke
…
I
saw
the
war
and
the
world
and
why
I
was
in
it
.
I
tried
to
be
blind
,
but
I
could
not
.
"
I
put
on
my
uniform
and
let
my
father
and
mother
and
Lily
see
me
off
at
Victoria
.
They
believed
I
had
to
report
to
a
camp
near
Dover
.
The
train
was
full
of
soldiers
.
I
once
again
felt
the
great
current
of
war
,
the
European
deathwish
,
pulling
me
along
.
When
the
train
stopped
at
some
town
in
Kent
I
got
off
.
For
two
or
three
days
I
stayed
there
in
a
commercial
travelers
’
hotel
.
I
was
hopeless
.
And
purposeless
.
One
could
not
escape
the
war
.
It
was
all
one
saw
,
all
one
heard
.
In
the
end
I
went
back
to
London
to
the
one
person
in
England
where
I
thought
there
might
be
refuge
.
To
my
grandfather
’
s
—
my
great
-
uncle
in
fact
.
I
knew
he
was
Greek
,
that
he
loved
me
because
I
was
my
mother
’
s
child
,
and
that
a
Greek
will
put
family
above
every
other
consideration
.
He
listened
to
me
.
Then
he
stood
up
and
came
to
me
.
I
knew
what
he
was
going
to
do
.
He
struck
me
hard
,
very
hard
,
so
hard
that
I
still
feel
it
,
across
the
face
.
Then
he
said
,
That
is
what
I
think
.
"
I
knew
very
well
that
when
he
said
that
he
tacitly
meant
’
in
spite
of
whatever
help
I
shall
give
you
.
’
He
was
furious
with
me
,
he
poured
every
insult
in
the
Greek
language
over
my
head
.
But
he
hid
me
.
Perhaps
because
I
said
that
even
if
I
returned
I
should
now
be
shot
.
The
next
day
he
went
to
see
my
mother
.
I
think
that
he
may
have
given
her
the
choice
.
Of
doing
her
duty
as
a
citizen
or
as
a
mother
.
She
came
to
see
me
,
with
a
lack
of
spoken
reproach
that
was
worse
to
me
than
o
Pappous
’
s
anger
.
I
knew
what
she
would
suffer
when
my
father
heard
the
truth
.
She
and
o
Pappous
came
to
a
decision
.
I
would
have
to
be
smuggled
out
of
England
to
our
family
in
the
Argentine
.
Fortunately
o
Pappous
had
both
the
money
and
the
necessary
relations
in
the
shipping
world
.
The
arrangements
were
made
.
A
date
was
fixed
.
"
I
lived
in
his
house
for
three
weeks
,
unable
to
go
out
,
in
such
an
agony
of
self
-
disgust
and
fear
that
many
times
I
wanted
to
give
myself
up
.
Above
all
it
was
the
thought
of
Lily
that
tortured
me
.
I
had
promised
to
write
every
day
.
And
of
course
I
could
not
.
What
other
people
thought
of
me
,
I
did
not
care
.
But
I
was
desperate
to
convince
her
that
I
was
sane
and
the
world
was
mad
.
It
may
have
something
to
do
with
intelligence
,
but
I
am
certain
it
has
nothing
to
do
with
knowledge
—
I
mean
that
there
are
people
who
have
an
instinctive
yet
perfect
moral
judgment
,
who
can
perform
the
most
complex
ethical
calculations
as
Indian
peasants
can
sometimes
perform
astounding
mathematical
calculations
.
In
a
matter
of
seconds
.
Lily
was
such
a
person
.
And
I
craved
her
sanction
.
"
One
evening
I
could
stand
it
no
longer
.
I
slipped
out
of
my
hiding
place
and
went
to
St
.
John
’
s
Wood
.
It
was
an
evening
when
I
knew
Lily
went
after
dinner
to
a
weekly
patriotic
sewing
and
knitting
circle
.
In
a
nearby
parish
hall
.
I
waited
in
the
road
I
knew
she
must
take
.
It
was
a
warm
May
dusk
.
I
was
fortunate
.
She
came
alone
.
Suddenly
I
stepped
out
into
her
path
from
the
gateway
where
I
had
been
waiting
.
She
went
white
with
shock
.
She
knew
something
terrible
had
happened
,
by
my
face
.
As
soon
as
I
saw
her
my
love
for
her
overwhelmed
me
—
and
what
I
had
planned
to
say
.
I
cannot
remember
now
what
I
said
.
I
can
remember
only
walking
beside
her
in
the
dusk
towards
Regent
’
s
Park
,
because
we
both
wanted
darkness
and
to
be
alone
.
She
would
not
argue
,
she
would
not
say
anything
,
she
would
not
look
at
me
for
a
long
time
.
We
found
ourselves
by
that
gloomy
canal
that
runs
through
the
north
part
of
the
park
.
On
a
seat
.
She
began
to
ask
me
questions
,
almost
practical
questions
,
about
what
I
was
intending
to
do
.
Then
she
began
to
cry
.
I
was
not
allowed
to
comfort
her
.
I
had
deceived
her
.
That
was
the
unforgivable
.
Not
that
I
had
deserted
.
But
that
I
had
deceived
.
For
a
time
she
stared
away
from
me
,
down
the
black
canal
.
Then
she
put
her
hand
on
mine
and
stopped
me
talking
.
Finally
she
put
her
arms
round
me
,
and
still
without
words
.
And
I
felt
myself
all
that
was
bad
in
Europe
in
the
arms
of
all
that
was
good
.
"
But
there
was
so
much
misunderstanding
between
us
.
It
was
not
that
even
then
I
believed
myself
to
have
been
wrong
to
run
away
.
But
it
is
possible
,
even
normal
,
to
feel
right
in
front
of
history
and
very
wrong
in
front
of
those
one
loves
.
And
as
for
Lily
,
after
a
while
she
began
to
talk
,
and
I
realized
that
she
understood
nothing
of
what
I
had
said
about
the
war
.
