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A
moment
later
he
reappeared
,
crawling
up
over
the
edge
,
then
slowly
standing
.
Lurching
forward
again
.
Other
prisoners
came
weeping
.
One
vomited
blood
in
front
of
us
,
and
collapsed
.
"
Then
we
were
running
towards
the
village
.
We
came
into
what
must
have
been
once
a
street
.
Desolation
.
Rubble
,
fragments
of
plastered
wall
,
broken
rafters
,
the
yellow
splashes
of
lyddite
everywhere
.
The
drizzle
that
had
started
again
gleaming
on
the
stones
.
On
the
skin
of
corpses
.
Many
Germans
had
been
caught
in
the
houses
.
In
one
minute
I
saw
a
summary
of
the
whole
butcher
’
s
shop
of
war
.
The
blood
,
the
gaping
holes
,
the
bone
sticking
out
of
flesh
,
the
stench
of
burst
intestines
—
I
am
telling
you
this
only
because
the
effect
on
me
,
a
boy
who
had
never
seen
even
a
peacefully
dead
body
before
that
day
,
was
one
I
should
never
have
predicted
.
It
was
not
nausea
and
terror
.
I
saw
several
men
being
sick
,
but
I
was
not
.
It
was
an
intense
new
conviction
.
Nothing
could
justify
this
.
It
was
a
thousand
times
better
that
England
should
be
a
Prussian
colony
.
One
reads
that
such
scenes
give
the
green
soldier
nothing
but
a
mad
lust
to
kill
in
his
turn
.
But
I
had
exactly
the
contrary
feeling
.
I
had
a
mad
lust
not
to
be
killed
.
"
He
stood
up
.
"
I
have
a
test
for
you
.
"
"
A
test
?
"
He
went
into
his
bedroom
,
returned
almost
at
once
with
the
oil
lamp
that
had
been
on
the
table
when
we
had
dinner
.
In
the
white
pool
of
light
he
put
what
he
had
brought
.
I
saw
a
die
,
a
shaker
,
a
saucer
,
and
a
pillbox
.
I
looked
up
at
him
on
the
other
side
of
the
table
,
at
his
severe
eyes
on
mine
.
"
I
am
going
to
explain
to
you
why
we
went
to
war
.
Why
mankind
always
goes
to
war
.
It
is
not
social
or
political
.
It
is
not
countries
that
go
to
war
,
but
men
.
It
is
like
salt
.
Once
one
has
been
to
war
,
one
has
salt
for
the
rest
of
one
’
s
life
.
Do
you
understand
?
"
"
Of
course
.
"
"
So
in
my
perfect
republic
it
would
be
simple
.
There
would
be
a
test
for
all
young
people
at
the
age
of
twenty
-
one
.
They
would
go
to
a
hospital
where
they
would
throw
a
die
.
One
of
the
six
numbers
would
mean
death
.
If
they
threw
that
they
would
be
painlessly
killed
.
No
mess
.
No
bestial
cruelty
.
No
destruction
of
innocent
onlookers
.
But
one
clinical
throw
of
the
die
.
"
"
Certainly
an
improvement
on
war
.
"
"
You
think
so
?
"
"
Obviously
.
"
"
You
are
sure
?
"
"
Of
course
.
"
"
You
said
you
never
saw
action
in
the
last
war
?
"
"
No
.
"
He
took
the
pillbox
,
and
shook
out
,
of
all
things
,
six
large
molars
;
yellowish
,
two
or
three
with
old
fillings
.
"
These
were
issued
to
certain
German
troops
during
the
last
war
,
for
use
if
they
were
interrogated
.
"
He
placed
one
of
the
teeth
on
the
saucer
,
then
with
a
small
downward
jab
of
the
shaker
crushed
it
;
it
was
brittle
,
like
a
liqueur
chocolate
.
But
the
odor
of
the
colorless
liquid
was
of
bitter
almonds
,
acrid
and
terrifying
.
He
hastily
removed
the
saucer
at
arm
’
s
length
to
the
far
corner
of
the
terrace
;
then
returned
.
"
Suicide
pills
?
"
"
Precisely
.
Hydrocyanic
acid
.
"
He
picked
up
the
die
,
and
showed
me
six
sides
.
I
smiled
.
"
You
want
me
to
throw
?
"
"
I
offer
you
an
entire
war
in
one
second
.
"
"
Supposing
I
don
’
t
want
it
?
"
"
Think
.
In
a
minute
from
now
you
could
be
saying
,
I
risked
death
.
I
threw
for
life
,
and
I
won
life
.
It
is
a
very
wonderful
feeling
.
To
have
survived
.
"
"
Wouldn
’
t
a
corpse
be
rather
embarrassing
for
you
?
"
I
was
still
smiling
,
but
it
was
wearing
thin
.
"
Not
at
all
.
I
could
easily
prove
it
was
suicide
.
"
He
stared
at
me
,
and
his
eyes
went
through
me
like
a
trident
through
a
fish
.
With
ninety
-
nine
persons
out
of
a
hundred
,
I
would
have
known
it
was
a
bluff
;
but
he
was
different
,
and
a
nervousness
had
hold
of
me
before
I
could
resist
it
.
"
Russian
roulette
.
"
"
But
less
fallible
.
These
pills
work
within
a
few
seconds
.
"
"
I
don
’
t
want
to
play
.
"
"
Then
you
are
a
coward
,
my
friend
.
"
He
leant
back
and
watched
me
.
"
I
thought
you
believed
brave
men
were
fools
.
"
"
Because
they
persist
in
rolling
the
die
again
and
again
.
But
a
young
man
who
will
not
risk
his
life
even
once
is
both
a
fool
and
a
coward
.
"
And
he
had
me
.
It
was
absurd
,
but
I
could
not
let
my
bluff
be
called
.
I
reached
for
the
shaker
.
"
Wait
.
"
He
leant
forward
,
and
put
his
hand
on
my
wrist
;
then
placed
a
tooth
by
my
side
.
"
I
am
not
playing
at
make
-
believe
.
You
must
swear
to
me
that
if
the
number
is
six
you
will
take
the
pill
.
"
His
face
was
totally
serious
.
I
felt
myself
wanting
to
swallow
.
"
I
swear
.
"
"
By
all
that
is
most
sacred
to
you
.
"
I
hesitated
,
shrugged
,
and
said
,
"
By
all
that
is
most
sacred
to
me
.
"
He
held
out
the
die
and
I
put
it
in
the
shaker
.
I
shook
it
loosely
and
quickly
and
threw
the
die
.
It
ran
over
the
cloth
,
hit
the
brass
base
of
the
lamp
,
rebounded
,
wavered
,
fell
.
It
was
a
six
.
Conchis
was
absolutely
motionless
,
watching
me
I
knew
at
once
that
I
was
never
,
never
going
to
pick
up
the
pill
.
I
could
not
look
at
him
.
Perhaps
fifteen
seconds
passed
.
Then
I
smiled
,
looked
at
him
and
shook
my
head
.
He
reached
out
again
,
his
eyes
still
on
me
,
took
the
tooth
beside
me
,
put
it
in
his
mouth
and
bit
it
and
swallowed
the
liquid
.
I
went
red
.
Still
watching
me
,
he
reached
out
,
and
put
the
die
in
the
shaker
,
and
threw
it
.
It
was
a
six
.
Then
again
.
And
again
it
was
a
six
.
He
spat
out
the
empty
shell
of
the
tooth
.
"
What
you
have
just
decided
is
precisely
what
I
decided
that
morning
forty
years
ago
at
Neuve
Chapelle
.
You
have
behaved
exactly
as
any
intelligent
human
being
should
behave
.
I
congratulate
you
.
"
"
But
what
you
said
?
The
perfect
republic
?
"
"
All
perfect
republics
are
perfect
nonsense
.
The
craving
to
risk
death
is
our
last
great
perversion
.
We
come
from
night
,
we
go
into
night
.
Why
live
in
night
?
"
"
But
the
die
was
loaded
.
"
"
Patriotism
,
propaganda
,
professional
honor
,
esprit
de
corps
—
what
are
all
those
things
?
Cogged
dice
.
There
is
just
one
small
difference
,
Nicholas
.
On
the
other
table
these
are
real
.
"
He
put
the
remaining
teeth
back
in
the
box
.
"
Not
just
ratafia
in
colored
plastic
.
"
He
turned
out
the
lamp
.
"
The
middle
six
hours
of
that
day
we
passed
in
waiting
.
The
Germans
hardly
shelled
us
at
all
.
They
had
been
bombarded
to
their
knees
.
The
obvious
thing
would
have
been
to
attack
at
once
.
But
it
takes
a
very
brilliant
general
,
a
Napoleon
,
to
see
the
obvious
.
"
About
three
o
’
clock
the
Ghurkas
came
alongside
us
and
we
were
told
an
attack
on
the
Aubers
Ridge
was
to
be
launched
.
We
were
to
be
the
first
line
.
Just
before
half
-
past
three
we
fixed
bayonets
.
I
was
beside
Captain
Montague
,
as
usual
.
I
think
he
knew
only
one
thing
about
himself
.
That
he
was
fearless
,
ready
to
swallow
the
acid
.
He
kept
looking
along
the
lines
of
men
beside
him
.
He
scorned
the
use
of
a
periscope
,
and
stood
and
poked
his
head
over
the
parapet
.
The
Germans
still
seemed
stunned
.
"
We
began
to
walk
forward
.
Montague
and
the
sergeant
major
called
incessantly
,
keeping
us
in
line
.
We
had
to
cross
a
cratered
ploughfield
to
a
hedge
of
poplars
,
and
then
,
across
another
small
field
,
lay
our
objective
,
a
bridge
.
I
suppose
we
had
gone
about
half
the
distance
we
had
to
cover
,
and
then
we
broke
into
a
trot
and
some
of
the
men
began
to
shout
.
The
Germans
seemed
to
stop
firing
altogether
.
Montague
called
triumphantly
.
’
On
,
lads
!
Victoree
!
’
"
They
were
the
last
words
he
ever
spoke
.
It
was
a
trap
.
Five
or
six
machine
guns
scythed
us
like
grass
.
Montague
spun
round
and
fell
at
my
feet
.
He
lay
on
his
back
,
staring
up
at
me
,
one
eye
gone
.
I
collapsed
beside
him
.
The
air
was
nothing
but
bullets
.
I
pressed
my
face
right
into
the
mud
,
I
was
urinating
,
certain
that
at
any
moment
I
should
be
killed
.
Someone
came
beside
me
.
It
was
the
sergeant
major
.
Some
of
the
men
were
firing
back
,
but
blindly
.
In
despair
.
The
sergeant
major
,
I
do
not
know
why
,
began
dragging
Montague
’
s
corpse
backwards
.
Feebly
,
I
tried
to
help
.
We
slipped
down
into
a
small
crater
.
The
back
of
Montague
’
s
head
had
been
blown
away
,
but
his
face
still
wore
an
idiot
’
s
grin
,
as
if
he
were
laughing
in
his
sleep
,
mouth
wide
open
.
A
face
I
have
never
forgotten
.
The
last
smile
of
a
stage
of
evolution
.
"
The
firing
stopped
.
Then
,
like
a
flock
of
frightened
sheep
,
everyone
who
survived
began
to
run
back
towards
the
village
.
I
as
well
.
I
had
lost
even
the
will
to
be
a
coward
.
Many
were
shot
in
the
back
as
they
ran
,
and
I
was
one
of
the
few
who
reached
the
trench
we
had
started
from
unhurt
—
alive
,
even
.
We
were
no
sooner
there
than
the
shelling
began
.
Our
own
shells
.
Owing
to
the
bad
weather
conditions
,
the
artillery
were
shooting
blind
.
Or
perhaps
still
according
to
some
plan
established
days
before
.
Such
irony
is
not
a
by
-
product
of
war
.
But
typical
of
it
.
"
A
wounded
lieutenant
was
now
in
command
.
He
crouched
beside
me
,
with
a
great
gash
across
his
cheek
.
His
eyes
burned
dully
.
He
was
no
longer
a
nice
upright
young
Englishman
,
but
a
neolithic
man
.
Cornered
,
uncomprehending
,
in
a
sullen
rage
.
Perhaps
we
all
looked
like
that
.
The
longer
one
survived
the
more
unreal
it
was
.
"
More
troops
came
up
with
us
,
and
a
colonel
came
round
.
Aubers
Ridge
must
be
captured
.
We
had
to
have
the
bridge
by
nightfall
.
But
I
had
meanwhile
had
time
to
think
.
"
I
saw
that
this
cataclysm
must
be
an
expiation
for
some
barbarous
crime
of
civilization
,
some
terrible
human
lie
.
What
the
lie
was
,
I
had
too
little
knowledge
of
history
or
science
to
know
then
.
I
know
now
it
was
our
believing
that
we
were
fulfilling
some
end
,
serving
some
plan
—
that
all
would
come
out
well
in
the
end
,
because
there
was
some
great
plan
over
all
.
Instead
of
the
reality
.
There
is
no
plan
.
All
is
hazard
.
And
the
only
thing
that
will
preserve
us
is
ourselves
.
"
He
was
silent
;
I
could
just
make
out
his
face
,
his
staring
to
sea
,
as
if
Neuve
Chapelle
was
out
there
,
gray
mud
and
hell
,
visible
.
"
We
attacked
again
.
I
should
have
liked
simply
to
disobey
orders
and
stay
in
the
trench
.
But
of
course
cowards
were
treated
as
deserters
,
and
shot
.
So
I
clambered
up
with
the
rest
when
the
order
came
.
A
sergeant
shouted
at
us
to
run
.
Exactly
the
same
thing
happened
as
earlier
that
afternoon
.
There
was
a
little
firing
from
the
Germans
,
just
enough
to
bait
the
trap
.
But
I
knew
that
there
were
half
a
dozen
eyes
watching
down
their
machine
guns
.
My
one
hope
was
that
they
would
be
truly
German
.
That
is
,
methodical
,
and
not
open
fire
until
the
same
point
as
before
.
"
We
came
to
within
fifty
yards
of
that
point
.
Two
or
three
bullets
richocheted
close
by
.
I
clasped
my
heart
,
dropped
my
rifle
,
staggered
.
Just
in
front
of
me
I
had
seen
a
large
shell
-
crater
,
an
old
one
.
I
stumbled
,
fell
and
rolled
over
the
edge
of
it
.
I
heard
the
cry
’
Keep
on
!
’
I
lay
with
my
feet
in
a
pool
of
water
,
and
waited
.
A
few
seconds
later
there
was
the
violent
unleashing
of
death
I
had
expected
.
Someone
leapt
in
the
other
side
of
the
shell
-
hole
.
He
must
have
been
a
Catholic
,
because
he
was
gabbling
Ave
’
s
.
Then
there
was
another
scuffle
and
I
heard
him
go
in
a
falling
of
bits
of
mud
.
I
drew
my
feet
out
of
the
water
.
But
I
did
not
open
my
eyes
until
the
firing
had
stopped
.
"
I
was
not
alone
in
that
shell
hole
.
Half
in
,
half
out
of
the
water
opposite
me
was
a
grayish
mass
.
A
German
corpse
,
long
dead
,
half
eaten
by
rats
.
Its
stomach
gaped
,
and
it
lay
like
a
woman
with
a
stillborn
child
beside
it
.
And
it
smelt
…
it
smelt
as
you
can
imagine
.
"
I
stayed
in
that
crater
all
night
.
I
accustomed
myself
to
the
mephitic
stench
.
It
grew
cold
,
and
I
thought
I
had
a
fever
.
But
I
made
up
my
mind
not
to
move
until
the
battle
was
over
.
I
was
without
shame
.
I
even
hoped
the
Germans
would
overrun
our
positions
and
so
allow
me
to
give
myself
up
as
a
prisoner
.
"
Fever
.
But
what
I
thought
was
fever
was
the
fire
of
existence
,
the
passion
to
exist
.
I
know
that
now
.
A
delirium
vivens
.
I
do
not
mean
to
defend
myself
.
All
deliria
are
more
or
less
antisocial
,
and
I
speak
clinically
,
not
philosophically
.
But
I
possessed
that
night
an
almost
total
recall
of
physical
sensations
.
And
these
recalls
,
of
even
the
simplest
and
least
sublime
things
,
a
glass
of
water
,
the
smell
of
frying
bacon
,
seemed
to
me
to
surpass
or
at
least
equal
the
memories
of
the
greatest
art
,
the
noblest
music
,
even
my
tenderest
moments
with
Lily
.
I
experienced
the
very
opposite
of
what
the
German
and
French
metaphysicians
of
our
century
have
assured
us
is
the
truth
:
that
all
that
is
other
is
hostile
to
the
individual
.
To
me
all
that
is
other
seemed
exquisite
.
Even
that
corpse
,
even
the
squealing
rats
.
To
be
able
to
experience
,
never
mind
that
it
was
cold
and
hunger
and
nausea
,
was
a
miracle
.
Try
to
imagine
that
one
day
you
discover
you
have
a
sixth
,
a
till
then
unimagined
new
sense
—
something
not
comprehended
in
feeling
,
seeing
,
the
conventional
five
.
But
a
far
profounder
sense
,
the
source
from
which
all
others
spring
.
The
word
’
being
’
no
longer
passive
and
descriptive
,
but
active
…
almost
imperative
.
"
Before
the
night
was
ended
I
knew
that
I
had
had
what
religious
people
would
call
a
conversion
.
A
light
in
heaven
indeed
shone
on
me
,
for
there
were
constant
star
shells
.
But
I
had
no
sense
of
God
.
Only
of
having
leapt
a
lifetime
in
one
night
.
"
He
was
silent
for
a
moment
.
I
wished
there
was
someone
beside
me
,
an
Alison
,
some
friend
,
who
could
savor
and
share
the
living
darkness
,
the
stars
,
the
terraces
,
the
voice
.
But
they
would
have
had
to
pass
through
all
those
last
months
with
me
.
I
had
the
comforting
sense
that
this
terrace
,
this
strange
story
-
telling
and
meeting
,
was
my
reward
.
The
passion
to
exist
:
I
forgave
myself
my
failure
to
die
.
"
I
am
trying
to
describe
to
you
what
happened
to
me
,
what
I
was
.
Not
what
I
should
have
been
.
Not
the
rights
and
wrongs
of
conscientious
objection
.
I
beg
you
to
remember
that
.
"
Before
dawn
there
was
another
German
bombardment
.
They
attacked
at
first
light
,
their
generals
having
made
exactly
the
same
mistake
as
ours
the
day
before
.
They
suffered
even
heavier
casualties
.
They
got
past
my
crater
and
to
the
trenches
we
had
attacked
from
,
but
they
were
driven
back
again
almost
at
once
.
All
I
knew
of
this
was
the
noise
.
And
the
foot
of
a
German
soldier
.
He
used
my
shoulder
for
a
support
while
he
was
firing
.
"
Night
fell
again
.
There
was
war
to
the
south
,
but
our
sector
was
quiet
.
The
battle
was
over
.
Our
casualties
were
some
thirteen
thousand
killed
—
thirteen
thousand
minds
,
memories
,
loves
,
sensations
,
worlds
,
universes
—
because
the
human
mind
is
more
a
universe
than
the
universe
itself
—
and
all
for
a
few
hundred
yards
of
useless
mud
.
"
At
midnight
I
crawled
back
to
the
village
on
my
stomach
.
I
was
afraid
I
might
be
shot
by
a
startled
sentry
.
But
the
place
was
manned
by
corpses
,
and
I
was
in
the
middle
of
a
desert
of
the
dead
.
I
found
my
way
down
a
communication
trench
.
There
,
too
,
only
silence
and
corpses
.
Then
a
little
further
on
I
heard
English
voices
ahead
,
and
called
out
.
It
was
a
party
of
stretcher
-
bearers
,
passing
round
for
a
final
ascertaining
that
only
the
dead
remained
.
I
said
I
had
been
knocked
out
by
a
shell
blast
.
"
They
did
not
doubt
my
story
.
Stranger
things
had
happened
.
From
them
I
learnt
where
what
was
left
of
my
battalion
was
.
I
had
no
plan
,
nothing
but
the
instinct
of
a
child
to
return
to
its
home
.
But
as
the
Spanish
say
,
a
drowning
man
soon
learns
to
swim
.
I
knew
I
must
be
officially
dead
.
That
if
I
ran
away
,
at
least
no
one
would
be
running
after
me
.
By
dawn
I
was
ten
miles
behind
the
lines
.
I
had
a
little
money
and
French
had
always
been
the
lingua
franca
of
my
home
