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"

On

va

voir

ça

a

Athènes

.

Je

vous

donnerai

une

adresse

.

C

’

est

bien

a

Athênes

que

vous

l

’

avez

attrape

’

,

oui

?

"

I

nodded

.

"

Les

poules

ià

-

bas

.

Infectes

.

Seulement

les

fous

qui

s

’

y

laissent

prendre

.

"

He

had

an

old

yellow

face

and

pince

-

nez

;

a

malicious

smile

.

My

questions

amused

him

.

The

chances

were

I

could

be

cured

;

I

was

not

contagious

but

I

must

have

no

sex

;

he

could

have

treated

me

if

he

had

the

right

drug

,

benzathine

penicillin

,

but

he

could

not

get

it

.

He

had

heard

one

could

get

it

at

a

certain

private

clinic

in

Athens

,

but

I

would

have

to

pay

through

the

nose

;

it

would

be

eight

weeks

before

we

could

be

sure

it

had

worked

.

He

answered

all

my

questions

drily

;

all

he

could

offer

was

the

ancient

arsenic

and

bismuth

treatment

,

and

I

must

in

any

case

have

a

laboratory

test

first

.

He

had

long

ago

been

drained

of

all

sympathy

for

humanity

,

and

he

watched

me

with

tortoise

eyes

as

I

put

down

the

fee

.

Отключить рекламу

I

stood

in

his

doorway

,

still

foolishly

trying

for

his

sympathy

.

"

Je

suis

maudit

.

"

He

shrugged

,

and

showed

me

out

,

totally

indifferent

,

a

sere

notifier

of

what

is

.

It

was

too

horrible

.

There

was

still

a

week

to

the

end

of

term

,

and

I

thought

of

leaving

at

once

and

going

back

to

England

.

Yet

I

couldn

’

t

bear

the

idea

of

London

,

and

there

was

a

sort

of

anonymity

in

Greece

,

if

not

on

the

island

.

I

didn

’

t

really

trust

Dr

.

Patarescu

;

one

or

two

of

the

older

masters

were

his

cronies

and

I

knew

they

often

saw

him

for

whist

.

I

searched

every

smile

,

every

word

spoken

to

me

,

for

a

reference

to

what

had

happened

;

and

I

thought

that

the

very

next

day

I

saw

in

various

eyes

a

certain

dry

amusement

.

One

morning

during

break

the

headmaster

said

,

"

Cheer

up

,

kyrios

Urfe

,

or

we

shall

say

the

beauties

of

Greece

have

made

you

sad

.

"

I

thought

this

was

a

direct

reference

;

and

the

smiles

that

greeted

the

remark

seemed

to

me

to

be

more

than

it

merited

.

Within

three

days

of

seeing

the

doctor

I

decided

that

everyone

knew

about

my

disease

;

even

the

boys

.

Every

time

they

whispered

I

heard

the

word

"

syphilis

.

"

Отключить рекламу

Suddenly

,

in

that

same

terrible

week

,

the

Greek

spring

was

with

us

.

In

only

two

days

,

it

seemed

,

the

earth

was

covered

with

anemones

,

orchids

,

asphodels

,

wild

gladioli

;

for

once

there

were

birds

everywhere

,

on

migration

.

Undulating

lines

of

storks

croaked

overhead

,

the

sky

was

blue

,

pure

,

the

boys

sang

,

and

even

the

sternest

masters

smiled

.

The

world

around

me

took

wing

,

and

I

was

stuck

to

the

ground

;

a

Catullus

without

talent

forced

to

inhabit

a

land

that

was

Lesbia

without

mercy

.

I

had

hideous

nights

,

in

one

of

which

I

wrote

a

long

letter

to

Alison

,

trying

to

explain

what

had

happened

to

me

,

how

I

remembered

what

she

had

said

in

her

letter

in

the

canteen

,

how

now

I

could

believe

her

;

how

I

loathed

myself

.

Even

then

I

managed

to

sound

resentful

,

for

my

leaving

her

began

to

seem

like

the

last

and

the

worst

of

my

bad

gambles

.

I

might

have

been

married

to

her

;

at

least

I

should

have

had

a

companion

in

the

desert

.

I

did

not

post

the

letter

,

but

again

and

again

,

night

after

night

,

I

thought

of

suicide

.

It

seemed

to

me

that

death

had

marked

my

family

down

,

right

back

to

those

two

uncles

I

had

never

known

,

one

killed

at

Ypres

and

the

other

at

Passchendaele

;

then

my

parents

.

All

violent

,

pointless

deaths

,

lost

gambles

.

I

was

worse

off

than

even

Alison

was

;

she

hated

life

,

I

hated

myself

.

I

had

created

nothing

,

I

belonged

to

nothingness

,

to

the

néant

,

and

it

seemed

to

me

that

my

own

death

was

the

only

thing

left

that

I

could

create

;

and

still

,

even

then

,

I

thought

it

might

accuse

everyone

who

had

ever

known

me

.

It

would

validate

all

my

cynicism

,

it

would

prove

all

my

solitary

selfishness

;

it

would

stand

,

and

be

remembered

,

as

a

final

dark

victory

.

The

day

before

term

ended

I

felt

the

balance

tip

.

I

knew

what

to

do

.

The

gatekeeper

at

the

school

had

an

old

twelve

-

bore

,

which

he

had

once

offered

to

lend

me

if

I

wanted

to

go

shooting

in

the

hills

.

I

went

to

him

and

asked

him

to

let

me

have

it

.

He

was

delighted

and

loaded

my

pocket

with

cartridges

;

the

pine

forests

were

full

of

birds

.

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