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My
behavior
became
increasingly
clownish
;
and
I
grew
angrier
and
angrier
with
the
circumstances
that
made
it
so
.
Then
Jojo
came
.
It
was
during
the
last
week
of
September
,
a
fortnight
after
my
last
meeting
with
Lily
de
Seitas
.
Bored
to
death
with
myself
,
I
went
late
one
afternoon
to
see
an
old
René
Clair
.
I
sat
without
thinking
next
to
a
humped
-
up
shape
and
watched
the
film
—
the
immortal
Italian
Straw
Hat
.
By
various
hoarse
snuffling
noises
I
deduced
that
the
Beckett
-
like
thing
next
to
me
was
female
.
After
half
an
hour
she
turned
to
me
for
a
light
.
I
saw
a
round
-
cheeked
face
,
no
makeup
,
a
fringe
of
brown
hair
pigtailed
at
the
back
,
thick
eyebrows
,
very
dirty
fingernails
holding
a
fag
end
.
When
the
lights
went
on
and
we
waited
for
the
next
feature
she
tried
,
with
a
really
pitiable
amateurishness
,
to
pick
me
up
.
She
was
dressed
in
jeans
,
a
grubby
gray
polo
-
necked
sweater
,
a
very
ancient
man
’
s
dufflecoat
;
but
she
had
three
queer
asexual
charms
—
a
face
-
splitting
grin
,
a
hoarse
Scots
accent
and
an
air
of
such
solitary
sloppiness
that
I
saw
in
her
at
once
both
a
kindred
spirit
and
someone
worthy
of
a
modern
Mayhew
.
Somehow
the
grin
didn
’
t
seem
quite
real
,
but
the
result
of
pulling
strings
.
She
sat
puppy
-
slumped
like
a
dejected
fat
boy
,
and
tried
very
unsuccessfully
to
dig
out
of
me
what
I
did
,
where
I
lived
;
and
then
,
perhaps
because
of
the
froglike
grin
,
perhaps
because
it
was
a
lapse
so
patently
unlikely
to
lead
to
danger
,
so
patently
not
a
test
,
I
asked
her
if
she
wanted
a
coffee
.
So
we
went
to
a
coffee
bar
.
I
was
hungry
,
I
said
I
was
going
to
have
some
spaghetti
.
At
first
she
wouldn
’
t
have
any
;
then
she
admitted
she
had
spent
the
last
of
her
money
on
getting
into
the
cinema
;
then
she
ate
like
a
wolf
.
I
grew
full
of
kindness
to
dumb
animals
.
We
went
on
to
a
pub
.
She
had
come
from
Glasgow
,
it
seemed
,
two
months
before
,
to
be
an
art
student
.
In
Glasgow
she
had
belonged
to
some
bizarre
Celtic
-
Bohemian
fringe
;
and
now
she
lived
in
coffee
bars
and
cinemas
,
"
with
a
wee
bitta
help
from
ma
friends
.
"
She
had
packed
art
in
;
the
eternal
provincial
tramp
.
I
felt
increasingly
sure
of
my
chastity
with
her
;
and
perhaps
that
was
why
I
liked
her
so
much
so
fast
.
She
amused
me
,
she
had
character
,
with
her
husky
voice
and
her
grotesque
lack
of
normal
visual
femininity
.
She
also
had
a
total
absence
of
pity
about
herself
;
and
therefore
all
the
attraction
of
an
opposite
.
I
drove
her
to
her
door
,
a
rooming
house
in
Notting
Hill
,
and
she
evidently
thought
I
would
be
expecting
to
"
kip
"
with
her
.
I
quickly
disillusioned
her
.
"
Then
we
’
ll
no
see
each
other
again
.
"
"
We
could
.
"
I
looked
at
her
dumpy
figure
beside
me
.
"
How
old
are
you
?
"
"
Twenty
-
one
.
"
"
Rubbish
.
"
"
Twenty
.
"
"
Eighteen
?
"
"
Ge
’
away
wi
’
you
.
I
’
m
all
of
twenty
.
"
"
I
’
ve
got
a
proposition
to
make
.
"
She
sniffed
.
"
Sorry
.
A
proposal
.
Actually
,
I
’
m
waiting
around
for
someone
…
a
girl
…
to
come
back
from
Australia
.
And
what
I
’
d
very
much
like
for
two
or
three
weeks
is
a
companion
.
"
Her
grin
split
her
face
from
ear
to
ear
.
"
I
’
m
offering
you
a
job
.
There
are
agencies
in
London
that
do
this
sort
of
thing
.
Provide
escorts
and
partners
.
"
She
still
grinned
.
"
I
’
d
awfia
like
you
juist
to
come
up
.
"
"
No
—
I
meant
exactly
what
I
offered
.
You
’
re
temporarily
drifting
.
So
am
I
.
So
let
’
s
drift
together
…
and
I
’
ll
take
care
of
the
finances
.
No
sex
.
Just
companionship
.
"
She
rubbed
the
inside
of
her
wrists
together
;
grinned
again
and
shrugged
,
as
if
one
madness
more
was
immaterial
.
So
I
took
up
with
her
.
If
they
had
their
eyes
on
me
,
it
would
be
up
to
them
to
make
a
move
.
I
thought
it
might
even
help
to
precipitate
matters
.
Jojo
was
a
strange
creature
,
as
douce
as
rain
—
London
rain
,
because
she
was
seldom
very
clean
—
and
utterly
without
ambition
or
meanness
.
She
slipped
perfectly
into
the
role
I
cast
her
for
.
We
slopped
round
the
cinemas
,
slopped
round
the
pubs
,
slopped
round
exhibitions
.
Sometimes
we
slopped
round
all
day
up
in
my
flat
.
But
always
,
at
some
point
in
the
night
,
I
sent
her
slopping
back
to
her
cubbyhole
.
Often
we
sat
for
hours
at
the
same
table
reading
magazines
and
newspapers
and
never
exchanging
a
word
.
After
seven
days
I
felt
I
had
known
her
for
seven
years
.
I
gave
her
four
pounds
a
week
and
offered
to
buy
her
some
clothes
and
pay
her
tiny
rent
.
She
accepted
a
dark
blue
jersey
from
Marks
and
Spencers
,
but
nothing
else
.
She
fuffilled
her
function
very
well
;
she
put
off
every
other
girl
who
looked
at
us
and
on
my
side
I
cultivated
a
sort
of
lunatic
transferred
fidelity
towards
her
.
She
was
always
equable
,
grateful
for
the
smallest
bone
,
like
an
old
mongrel
;
patient
,
unoffended
,
casual
.
I
refused
to
talk
about
Alison
,
and
probably
Jojo
ceased
to
believe
in
her
;
accepted
,
in
her
accept
-
all
way
,
that
I
was
just
"
a
wee
bit
cracked
.
"
Then
one
October
evening
I
knew
I
wouldn
’
t
sleep
and
I
offered
to
drive
her
anywhere
she
wanted
within
a
night
’
s
range
.
She
thought
a
moment
and
said
,
goodness
knows
why
,
Stonehenge
.
So
we
drove
down
to
Stonehenge
and
walked
around
the
looming
menhirs
at
three
o
’
clock
with
a
cold
wind
blowing
and
the
sound
of
peewits
in
the
moon
-
drenched
wrack
above
our
heads
.
Later
we
sat
in
the
car
and
ate
chocolate
.
I
could
just
see
her
face
;
the
dark
smudges
of
her
eyes
and
the
innocent
puppy
-
grin
.
"
Why
you
grinning
,
Jojo
?
"
"
’
Cause
I
’
m
happy
.
"
"
Aren
’
t
you
tired
?
"
"
No
.
"
I
leant
forward
and
kissed
the
side
of
her
head
.
It
was
the
first
time
I
’
d
ever
kissed
her
,
and
I
started
the
engine
immediately
.
After
a
while
she
went
to
sleep
and
slowly
slumped
against
my
shoulder
.
When
she
slept
she
looked
very
young
,
fifteen
or
sixteen
.
I
got
occasional
whiffs
of
her
hair
,
which
she
hardly
ever
washed
.
I
felt
for
her
almost
exactly
what
I
felt
for
Kemp
;
great
affection
,
and
not
the
least
desire
.
One
night
soon
after
that
we
went
to
the
cinema
.
Kemp
,
who
thought
I
was
mad
to
be
sleeping
with
such
an
ugly
layabout
—
I
didn
’
t
attempt
to
explain
the
true
situation
—
but
was
glad
I
was
showing
at
least
one
sign
of
normality
,
came
with
us
,
and
afterwards
we
all
went
back
to
her
"
studio
"
and
sat
boozing
cocoa
and
the
remains
of
a
bottle
of
rum
.
About
one
Kemp
kicked
us
out
;
she
wanted
to
go
to
sleep
,
as
indeed
I
did
myself
.
I
went
with
Jojo
and
stood
by
the
front
door
.
It
was
the
first
really
cold
night
of
the
autumn
,
and
raining
hard
into
the
bargain
.
We
stood
at
the
door
and
looked
out
.
"
I
’
ll
sleep
upstairs
in
your
chair
,
Nick
.
"
"
No
.
It
’
ll
be
all
right
.
Stay
here
.
I
’
ll
get
the
car
.
"
I
used
to
park
it
up
a
side
street
.
I
got
in
,
coaxed
the
engine
into
life
,
moved
forward
;
but
not
far
.
The
front
wheel
was
flat
as
a
pancake
.
I
got
out
in
the
rain
and
looked
,
cursed
,
and
went
to
the
boot
for
the
pump
.
It
was
not
there
.
I
hadn
’
t
used
it
for
a
week
or
more
,
so
I
didn
’
t
know
when
it
had
been
pinched
.
I
slammed
the
lid
down
and
ran
back
to
the
door
.
"
I
’
ve
got
a
bloody
fiat
.
"
"
Gude
.
"
"
Thank
you
.
"
"
Don
’
t
be
such
a
loon
.
I
’
ll
sleep
in
your
auld
armchair
.
"
I
considered
waking
Kemp
,
but
the
thought
of
all
the
obscenities
she
would
hurl
round
the
studio
soon
killed
that
idea
.
We
climbed
up
the
stairs
past
the
silent
sewing
rooms
and
into
the
fiat
.
"
Look
,
you
kip
in
the
bed
.
I
’
ll
sleep
here
.
"
She
wiped
her
nose
on
the
back
of
her
hand
and
nodded
;
went
to
the
bathroom
,
then
marched
into
the
bedroom
,
lay
on
the
bed
and
pulled
her
wretched
old
dufflecoat
over
her
.
I
was
secretly
angry
with
her
,
I
was
tired
,
but
I
pulled
two
chairs
together
and
stretched
out
.
Five
minutes
passed
.
Then
she
was
in
the
door
between
the
rooms
.
"
Nick
?
"
"
Mm
.
"
"
Come
on
.
"
"
Come
on
where
.
"
"
You
know
.
"
"
No
.
"
She
stood
there
in
the
door
for
a
silent
minute
.
She
liked
to
mull
over
her
gambits
.
"
I
want
you
to
.
"
It
struck
me
that
I
’
d
never
heard
her
use
the
verb
"
to
want
"
in
the
first
person
before
.
-
"
Jojo
,
we
’
re
chums
.
We
’
re
not
going
to
bed
together
.
"
"
It
’
s
only
kipping
together
.
"
"
No
.
"
"
Just
once
.
"
"
No
.
"
She
stood
plumply
in
the
door
,
in
her
blue
jumper
and
jeans
,
a
dark
stain
of
silent
accusation
.
Light
from
outside
distorted
the
shadows
round
her
figure
,
isolated
her
face
,
so
that
she
looked
like
a
Munch
lithograph
.
Jealousy
;
or
Envy
;
or
Innocence
.
"
I
’
m
so
cold
.
"
"
Get
under
the
blankets
then
.
"
She
gave
it
a
minute
more
and
then
I
heard
her
creep
back
to
bed
.
Five
minutes
passed
.
I
felt
my
neck
get
stiff
.
"
I
’
m
in
the
bed
.
Nick
,
you
could
easy
sleep
on
top
.
"
I
took
a
deep
breath
.
"
Can
you
hear
?
"
"
Yes
.
"
Silence
.
"
I
thought
you
were
asleep
.
"
Rain
pounded
down
,
dripped
in
the
gutters
;
wet
London
night
air
pervaded
the
room
.
Solitude
.
Winter
.
"
Could
I
come
in
a
wee
sec
and
put
the
fire
on
?
"
"
Oh
God
.
"
"
I
won
’
t
wake
you
at
all
.
"
"
Thanks
.
"
She
slopped
into
the
room
and
I
heard
her
strike
a
match
.
The
gas
phutted
and
began
to
hiss
.
A
pinkish
glow
filled
the
room
.
She
was
very
quiet
,
but
after
a
while
I
gave
in
and
began
to
sit
up
.
"
Don
’
t
look
.
I
havna
any
clothes
on
.
"
I
looked
.
She
was
standing
by
the
fire
pulling
down
an
outsize
man
’
s
singlet
.
I
saw
,
with
an
unpleasant
little
shock
,
that
she
was
almost
pretty
by
gaslight
.
I
turned
my
back
and
reached
for
a
cigarette
.
"
Now
look
,
Jojo
,
I
’
m
just
not
going
to
have
this
.
I
will
not
have
sex
with
you
.
"
"
I
didn
’
t
fancy
to
get
into
your
clean
bed
with
all
m
’
clothes
on
.
"
"
Get
warm
.
Then
hop
straight
back
.
"
I
got
halfway
through
my
cigarette
.
"
It
’
s
only
’
cause
you
been
so
awfla
nice
to
me
.
"
I
refused
to
answer
.
"
I
only
want
to
be
nice
back
.
"
"
If
it
’
s
only
that
,
don
’
t
worry
.
You
owe
me
nothing
.
"
I
slid
a
look
round
.
She
was
sitting
on
the
floor
with
her
plump
little
back
to
me
,
hugging
her
knees
and
staring
into
the
fire
.
More
silence
.
She
said
,
"
It
isn
’
t
only
that
.
"
"
Go
and
put
your
clothes
on
.
Or
get
into
bed
.
And
then
we
’
ll
talk
.
"
The
gas
hissed
away
.
I
lit
another
cigarette
from
the
end
of
the
last
.
"
I
know
why
.
"
"
Tell
me
.
"
"
You
think
I
’
ve
got
one
of
your
nasty
London
diseases
.
"
"
Jojo
.
"
"
I
mebbe
have
.
You
don
’
t
have
to
be
ill
at
all
.
You
can
still
carry
all
the
microbes
round
with
you
.
"
"
Stop
it
.
"
"
I
’
m
only
sayin
’
what
you
’
re
thinldn
’
.
"
"
I
’
ve
never
thought
that
.
"
"
I
don
’
t
blame
you
.
I
don
’
t
blame
you
at
all
.
"
"
Jojo
,
shut
up
.
Just
shut
up
.
"
Silence
.
"
You
juist
want
to
keep
your
beautiful
Sassenach
coddies
clean
.
"
Then
her
bare
feet
padded
across
the
floor
and
the
bedroom
door
was
slammed
—
and
sprung
open
again
.
After
a
moment
I
heard
her
sobbing
.
I
cursed
my
stupidity
;
I
cursed
myself
for
not
having
paid
more
attention
to
various
signs
during
the
evening
—
washed
hair
done
into
a
ponytail
,
one
or
two
looks
.
I
had
a
dreadful
vision
of
a
stem
knock
on
the
door
,
of
Alison
standing
there
.
I
was
also
shocked
.
Jojo
never
swore
and
used
as
many
euphemisms
as
a
girl
of
fifty
times
her
respectability
.
Her
last
line
had
cut
.
I
lay
a
minute
,
then
went
into
the
bedroom
.
The
gasfire
cast
warm
light
through
.
I
pulled
the
bedclothes
up
round
her
shoulders
.
"
Oh
Jojo
.
You
clown
.
"
I
stroked
her
head
,
keeping
a
firm
grip
on
the
bedclothes
with
the
other
hand
,
in
case
she
made
a
spring
for
me
.
She
began
to
snuff
.
I
passed
her
a
handkerchief
.
"
Can
I
tell
you
somethin
’
?
"
"
Of
course
.
"
"
I
’
ve
never
done
it
.
I
’
ve
never
been
to
bed
with
a
man
.
"
"
Jesus
.
"
"
I
’
m
clean
as
the
day
I
was
born
.
"
"
Thank
God
for
that
.
"
She
turned
on
her
back
and
stared
up
at
me
.
"
Do
you
not
want
me
now
?
"
That
sentence
somewhat
tarnished
the
two
before
.
I
touched
her
cheek
and
shook
my
head
.
"
I
love
you
,
Nick
.
"
"
Jojo
,
you
don
’
t
.
You
can
’
t
.
"
She
began
to
cry
again
;
my
exasperation
.
"
Look
,
did
you
plan
this
?
That
fiat
tire
?
"
I
remembered
she
had
slipped
out
,
allegedly
to
go
upstairs
,
while
Kemp
was
making
the
cocoa
.
"
I
couldna
help
it
.
That
night
we
went
to
Stonehenge
.
I
didna
sleep
a
wink
all
the
wa
’
back
.
I
juist
sat
there
pretendin
’
.
"
Tears
in
her
eyes
again
.
"
Jojo
.
Can
I
tell
you
a
long
story
I
’
ve
never
told
anyone
else
?
Can
I
?
"
I
dabbed
her
eyes
with
the
handkerchief
and
then
I
began
to
talk
,
sitting
with
my
back
to
her
on
the
edge
of
the
bed
.
I
told
her
everything
about
Alison
,
about
the
way
I
had
left
her
,
and
I
spared
myself
nothing
.
I
told
her
about
Greece
,
I
told
her
,
if
not
the
real
incidents
of
my
relationship
with
Lily
,
the
emotional
truth
of
it
.
I
told
her
about
Parnassus
,
all
my
guilt
.
I
brought
it
right
up
to
date
,
to
Jojo
heseif
and
why
I
had
cultivated
her
.
She
was
the
strangest
priest
to
confess
before
;
but
not
the
worst
.
For
she
absolved
me
.
If
only
I
had
told
her
at
the
beginning
;
she
would
not
have
been
so
stupid
then
.
"
I
’
ve
been
blind
.
I
’
m
sorry
.
"
"
I
couldna
help
it
.
"
"
I
’
m
sorry
.
I
’
m
so
sorry
.
"
"
Och
.
I
’
m
only
a
teenage
moron
from
Glasgow
.
"
She
looked
at
me
solemnly
.
"
I
’
m
only
seventeen
,
Nick
.
It
was
all
a
fib
.
"
"
If
I
gave
you
your
fare
,
would
you
—
"
But
she
was
shaking
her
head
at
once
.
There
were
minutes
of
silence
then
and
in
it
I
thought
about
pain
,
about
hurting
people
.
It
was
the
only
truth
that
mattered
,
it
was
the
only
morality
that
mattered
,
the
only
sin
,
the
only
crime
.
Once
again
I
had
committed
the
one
unforgivable
:
I
had
hurt
an
innocent
person
.
It
needed
clearer
definition
than
that
,
because
no
one
was
innocent
.
But
there
was
a
capacity
in
everyone
to
be
innocent
,
to
offer
that
something
innocent
in
them
,
perhaps
to
offer
it
as
clumsily
as
Jojo
had
,
even
not
to
offer
it
innocently
,
but
with
darker
motives
.
But
there
remained
a
core
of
innocence
,
a
purely
innocent
will
to
give
something
good
;
and
this
was
the
unforgivable
crime
—
to
have
provoked
that
giving
and
then
to
smash
,
as
I
had
just
had
to
smash
,
the
gift
to
pieces
.
History
had
in
a
sense
smashed
the
ten
commandments
of
the
Bible
;
for
me
they
had
never
had
any
real
meaning
,
that
is
any
other
than
a
conformitant
influence
.
But
sitting
in
that
bedroom
,
staring
at
the
glow
of
the
fire
on
the
threshold
of
the
door
through
to
the
sitting
room
,
I
thought
that
at
last
I
began
to
see
a
commandment
.
The
missing
link
;
though
no
link
was
ever
missing
,
but
simply
unseen
.
And
after
all
,
not
unseen
by
Lily
de
Seitas
.
I
had
had
it
whispered
in
my
ear
only
a
few
weeks
before
;
I
had
had
it
demonstrated
to
me
in
a
way
at
my
"
trial
"
;
for
that
matter
I
had
even
paid
lipservice
to
it
long
before
I
went
to
Greece
.
But
now
I
felt
it
;
and
by
"
feel
"
I
mean
that
I
knew
I
had
to
choose
it
,
every
day
,
even
though
I
went
on
failing
to
keep
it
,
had
every
day
to
choose
it
,
every
day
to
try
to
live
by
it
.
And
I
knew
that
it
was
all
bound
up
with
Alison
;
with
choosing
Alison
,
and
having
to
go
on
choosing
her
every
day
.
When
Lily
de
Seitas
had
whispered
it
in
my
ear
I
had
taken
it
as
a
retrospective
thing
,
a
comment
on
my
past
;
and
on
my
anecdote
.
But
it
had
been
a
signpost
to
my
future
.
Adulthood
was
like
a
mountain
,
and
I
stood
at
the
foot
of
this
cliff
of
ice
,
this
impossible
and
unclimbable
:
Thou
shalt
not
commit
pain
.
"
Could
I
have
a
fag
,
Nick
?
"
I
went
and
got
her
a
cigarette
.
She
lay
puffing
it
;
intermittently
red
-
apple
-
checked
,
watching
me
.
I
held
her
hand
.
"
What
are
you
thinking
,
Jojo
?
"
"
Sposin
’
she
…
"
"
Doesn
’
t
come
?
"
"
Yes
.
"
"
I
’
ll
marry
you
.
"
"
That
’
s
a
fib
.
"
"
Give
you
lots
of
fat
babies
with
fat
cheeks
and
grins
like
monkeys
.
"
"
Och
you
cruel
monster
.
"
She
stared
at
me
;
silence
;
darkness
;
frustrated
tenderness
.
I
remembered
having
sat
the
same
way
with
Alison
,
in
the
room
off
Baker
Street
,
the
October
before
.
And
the
memory
told
me
,
in
the
simplest
and
most
revealing
way
,
how
much
I
had
changed
.
"
Someone
much
nicer
than
I
am
will
one
day
.
"
"
Is
she
like
me
at
all
?
"
"
Yes
.
"
"
Oh
aye
.
I
’
ll
bet
.
Puir
girl
.
"
"
Because
you
’
re
both
…
not
like
everybody
else
,
"
"
There
’
s
only
one
of
everyone
.
"
I
went
out
and
put
a
shilling
in
the
meter
;
then
stood
in
the
doorway
between
the
two
rooms
.
"
You
ought
to
live
in
the
suburbs
,
Jojo
.
Or
work
in
a
factory
.
Or
go
to
a
public
school
